Scorched

Don't let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.

-Astrid Alauda

Stress relief has become so kitschy.  Photographs of running "gray hairs", dressed in expensive sports clothing, canoeing, smiling lovingly at a partner, sitting at a cafe having tea and cookies, swimming in a lovely pool by themselves, faces without one line on them, adnasium.  Most times, it is simply NOT that at all.

We have wrinkles, in part, because we cannot relieve our stress any more.  We do not have physical, intellectual, emotional resilience and we, in many cases, have found life hard in the first place, before aging begins to really take its toll.  Even stress affects us differently now.

Where, once, a bad hair day, could be enough to trigger us, now, losing hair is one.  We have lost loved ones.  We have time to fill.  our relationships with our children have changed.  We have lost some of our physical abilities:  vision, hearing, balance, mobility.  Our blood pressure is high, or too low.  Our immune system is lowered as we age.  We can become more anxious as we age.  Our finances change.  We sense a feeling of separation from loved ones.  We deal with ingrained patterns of avoidance, stress management, thinking and may have said, "too old to change!", simply because we feel defeated and too tired to do anything differently.  We are full of thoughts of having to make more dire choices the older we get (institutionalization, housing, etc.)  Our health deteriorates.  We become more dependent on others (and we Boomer women fought long and hard for our independence).  Health care costs and availability (we have long denied our own health in the interest of others).  Our energy level has changed.  We lose the ability to do some of our favorite things.  We question our sense of purpose.  We, who defined our self according to our careers, our mothering, etc., have lost that sense of presence.  We lose our sense of being needed and the result is to become more needy.  We are less mobile in that we begin to know we are not safe drivers any more, we are night blind, we just sense a slow-down of reaction time.  We have "aging sleeplessness (at night), no problem during the day...lol...and we have to get up to go pee and that is the end of our good sleep.  We discover muscles we never knew we had.  We tire easily.  We become anxious easily.  We get frustrated more easily.  We become restless and forgetful.  We are fricken stressed to the max, and kitschy little sayings and same old same old placating cliches simply get old!  Yes, every new kind of stressor there is can come to visit.  Our cells age and with the physical, the intellectual, emotional arenas decline as well.  Everything changes but the amygdala reactions.

The reaction to any stressors seem magnified.  Intellectually, we can get foggy and there are times of confusion.  This really makes one worry more.  And emotionally?  Well, we can shatter like glass.  The more we stress the worse things get.  One has to learn to just lie down and rest and let it pass.  But, working on the emotional takes a great deal of effort.  Physical, intellectual and emotional reactions all join together.  There are few answers as to what one can do with it all.

I have learned I have to focus on "What CAN I do about this?  What CANNOT I do with this?"  I allow myself some time in the morning to do busy things, without allowing my body to sense I am that busy.  Then, I am kinder to self after lunch and tend to slow down and do some art or do something that is quiet time.  Because our house was flooded four months ago, and we just got back in, there are boxes in the spare bedroom with things I have never seen before and things I must not get rid of... And, yes, garage sale stuff.  I allow myself to do two boxes a day, at my leisure.  I allow (note my warped sense of control over this..NOT!!! but I try) The Bee Man to help me more than I ever have.  I try to spend at least half an hour outside; walking, or sitting, or puttering.  I refuse to worry over finances.  I refuse to worry over restoration stuff.  I call family and friends and try to keep in touch with them, although I do not know when I can visit again.  I have given up on my wonderful snowbirding. (Can't do it with heart/bp bouncing all over the place.)  I spend one evening a week out with girlfriend.  As far as my diet ( and new diagnoses of diabetes, I bought the yogurt and almond milk)..lol.. chite!  I have shown The Bee Man where my nitro is and explained how to give it, just in case.  I refuse to plan ahead just now.  Just making it through the day's dizziness is huge.  I keep a list of things to do and if I do them, great;  if I do not do them, there is always tomorrow. 

I am trying to learn to push away stupid worry.  I am refusing to stay where chaos and drama is going on - walk away!  And I am going to be authentic about how I feel.  My new mantra is "FFS, I am dizzy!"  I am learning I cannot multitask as well, so I am learning to stay more present and to focus on what the heck I am trying to do, without interference of "Squirrel!!!!"

I am learning to stay involved in my art projects.  It is my happy place.  It is my meditation.  It is my praying. 

I never hoped to have this sort of thing happen, but I think I deserve it.  It is said when your heart first beats, it has so many beats and then it is done.  I am sure stress used up half of my allotment.  To learn to try to deal with stress can, in itself, be stressful.  This is a lifelong habit I am trying to kick and it is deeply embedded.  I will continue to find my happy places and happy people to help me through this time of not being in control of my heart.  I know what is coming and h9ow danged soon if I do not.  So, if I walk away, if I turn away, if I seem not to be focused, just know I am working on other stuff you cannot see, but I can surely feel.  I am not toast.  I am scorched.

©Carol Desjarlais 10.19.18