"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so
helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own
accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a
little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become
of it." - Arthur Golden
I am feeling so conflicted. My grief, having abated some, and this being
my fourth year, I find my soul is awakening and things are coming to the
forefront again. My acceptance is
complete. The memory surfaces now and
again but in its leaving, it is leaving room for some things I had set aside
for four years. As it leaves, there is
remembering, of many things, in my soul/spirit/heart. It is, as if my body, mind, heart and soul
feels it has gone deep enough,. Do not
get me wrong. Sometimes grief sends a
huge wave crashing over me. I am very
aware of his journey and his moving off, further away. I am reconciled to it. I am being to find that the way of my living
life, for all those years, has come so I do not feel so totally abandoned.
My way of grieving was very much the way of The
People. I was raised knowing some of one
First Nations' ways, and when I moved North, I became immersed in another and
another and another. My belief system is
very eclectic because of my learning and because of the different teachers who came to teach me. I am very aware of my life cycle and what it
means and where it began and where it will go.
Something of me will always survive in its good ways. Something of him will go on. In honor did we journey together and Love. In honor do I allow him to leave me more and
more and have my path diverge for a time.
He now walks his journey alone, as well.
I was in no position to follow things as they have
been for generations. I had to do what I
did in my own way. As soon as I could, I
walked out under the harvest full moon and let her comfort me away from his
body for a time. I let my hair grow for
those 5 weeks of his dying. I had it cut
as soon as he left. Because I was
totally alone, after they took his body, I moved into the highest form of grief
I can ever go. I had no songs, no drums,
no offerings, no circle of women to comfort me.
I have never walked such a solitary journey for the next few days until
my daughter could come and collect me.
Under the harvest moon, I buried some of our sacred
stones. I gave away my regalia. I gave away his regalia. I put my medicine bag to sleep. I buried my pipe. I did so, with each, in great sorrow and reverence. The Giving Away took more and more of my
body, mind, heart and soul. His memory
remains and ever will.
Since I could not place sweet grass and tobacco in
his hands, I buried them where his soul would know to find them. I had been burying a portion of each meal
people brought before hand. There was no
gathering or meal afterwards and I had no one who knew I could not touch or
handle food for those first days. I had
to simply get through the nights and days until my daughter could fly in.
I was left with such complicated grief. I have had to forgive myself for so many ways
grief took hold of me. I was dealing
with a whole lifetime of being abandoned;
first, by a birth mother, then being in a foundling home, before a
mother came to take my birth mother's place.
I can only imagine how a new baby grieves and I can only know how that
first grief followed me through life.
Such a huge soul-wounding: I do
not know how abandoned babies survive it.
I nearly did not survive my sweetheart's death.
My life had many abandonments and I learned well to
abandon, reflexively. Grief made a
different me than I first started out in life.
Losing my sweetheart made another new me through it. I have always, I know, been in survivor syndrome, as well.
There were no tear-wiping ceremonies. There were no releasing ceremonies. My grief, initially impaired, had to walk a
lot of dark nights before I could be consoled.
I am resilient, indeed. My four
years of leaving behind all ceremonies and any form of group support has taken
its toll, indeed. But, it is returning
and I am soul-deep hungry for it.
As I re-orient myself to who I am in the world now,
without him, and this is the fourth year, I have tried to be kind and compassionate
to myself. I think that has been the key
to getting through to where I am. I have
done the right things to diffuse my grief.
That is not to say I do not think of him at some point during the day,
every day. I do. I had a major break down after watching A
Star Is Born. Whew! But the grief is lessening and the honor is
greater. Now I need a Round Dance.
In return the mother offered to teach her daughter a dance and songs so at certain times they could be together again. The daughter learned the dance and song and shared them with her people. This is our Round Dance. It is a time for those people who are here to commune with those who have, passed on."
It is all a process and it is as unique as we all are. Grief is a continuum and we are the ones following that path until we get through this valley of tears. Comfort and compassion is needed as we got through physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual changes necessary to let go and to walk on on our own. No chastising can hurry us. It can stop the flow of our process and we can be forever stuck in that place. We are adjusting to knowing how near our ancestors and loved ones are. He is as near to me as my next thought.
Karo Baha Alchesay, an Apache woman
who passed on February 16, 1988 has aptly expressed the tenet of deportment for
those remaining.
When
I Must Leave You
When
I must leave you, for a little while
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
and hug your sorrows to you, through the years.
But start our bravely with a gallant smile
and for my sake and in my name
live on and do all things the same.
Seed not your loneliness on empty days,
but fill each waking hour in useful ways.
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
and I in return will comfort you and hold you near;
And never, never be afraid to die,
for I am waiting for you in the sky!
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
and hug your sorrows to you, through the years.
But start our bravely with a gallant smile
and for my sake and in my name
live on and do all things the same.
Seed not your loneliness on empty days,
but fill each waking hour in useful ways.
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
and I in return will comfort you and hold you near;
And never, never be afraid to die,
for I am waiting for you in the sky!
https://allpoetry.com/poem/14186108-Temptations-Of-Trials-by-CarolDesjarlais?c=1163330169
I gather up my heart and move forward. Life is not going to get easier as I age and
this has built some strength I may need.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.24.18
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