Brave On

I had no idea that the Fountain of Youth would be the toilet bowl...at 3 am.  -CD

There is always someone who will negate your reality.  We all see those posts about

'being positive', mind over matter', about you being only as old as you think you are'.  These are people you really want to stay away from, methinks.  They are rowing their Boat of Life on the river of De-Nial.  They are the ones who will negate pretty much anyone else's desperations of any dire kind.  One dang thing for sure, growing older is not for sissies.

I have learned to multi-task a whole new way.  I find one or two things I can do at a time, and for convenience sakes, sit on bed and put shoes on and dust the night table same time.  I am getting good at that kind of multitasking.  I can sit on toilet and clean tub...same time... whoo hoo! 

I try to avoid being looked at as old.  For instance, it used to be the joke that old people always drive with hands at 10 and 2 on wheel.  I never drive with hands at 10 or 2 when someone is passing me.  And, when someone blithely says, "Oh, age is just a number," I say ( completely under my breath, of course) "...and Titanic was just a boat and wars are just a slight misunderstanding." 

And, I really think people who say, "Oh to be 16,20,40,60....again!"  Are you out of your minds?  Go through all that again?  Never.

As well, I used to worry about being a burden on my family as an age.  Now, I just want to be a nuisance.  Heck, I can blame my age.

And, for those who blather on about age just being a number.. yeah, I wish I could do number 2 most days.

Look, age is not for sissies, but it is a great time to try and have a sense of humor.  Our jokes are really not jokes at all.  We are laughing at ourselves.  Our life becomes a rat race of hurdles to jump and obstacles ahead to make sure we take note of.  I used to scream about stepping on legos in my bare feet.  Now, every step feels like legos.  I try not to grimace too much.

There are going to be so many times that are not funny, never will be, and I am not willing to try to turn them into something funny.  Some days are bearable.  It can be damned scary.  I am pretty serious about watching cracks in the sidewalk, not to turn to quickly because I can pirouette on a dime.  I congratulate myself when, after a fantastic fall, I get up and realize I never broke anything.  That's a good day.

We are brave souls.  We know we are in our declining and reclining years.  You cannot believe what a quick catnap can do for you.  I am aware of trying not to say "Pardon me, what?"  too often.  I can honestly say, if you hear I am driving at night, take another route.  I am scared, you ought to be. 

This is not a fairy tale.  You cannot reject or object that I am hurting a great deal of the time.. and it is in places I never knew I had.  I used to be able to reach in the back of the car and poke a bottle in the mouth of a crying baby.  Can't reach back there and get my purse, now, without getting a Charlie horse in my side.. not even where muscles are that I know of. 

Somehow we need to prepare for old age.  Yes, I do!  I, purposefully, will not turn the lights on in the hall when I am going to the bedroom to sleep.  I am practicing what it might be like when my eyesight completely dims.  Not kidding.  I do.  And, I am pretty good at it. 

OMG, I do not know how many times I pull out my pill bottles and load up my weekly night and day little spaces because one day there will be two pills, a Vitamin B12, and two Senecot S.  And, the next night there might be only two and I know it's wrong so I have to redo again.  And, picking up dropped pills, if I even notice, with neuropathic hands is a real joy.  Try picking up pickup sticks with gloves on.

Oh, and stuff you can never do again.  That's choice.  The other morning, I used my leg to kick my covers up and off. Well, after screaming in pain, I have spent two weeks not being able to lift my leg up, at the hip, to put my danged shoe on that leg.  Just sayin'

I used to laugh at being able to outdo my brain-injured student with my triple gainers.  Well, he ought to see me now.  I cannot bend over and be safe from continuing on over.  Balance is a big deal.  When I was in Maine, I had this marvelous natural rock garden.  Huge stones made a semicircle.  Well, I am out there, on top of the topmost rock and I lose my balance.  When I hit the wall of the house, 20 feet away, I had to be going 30 miles an hour.  Yeah.  It is worse now. 

Yes, we have to admit and then practice being a little more careful with ourselves.  To hop skip and jump around is pure gereatricide.  Yeah, pretty sure that is a word.  We need to safe proof our houses a bit.  We need to accept that what used to be adventure can now be life threatening.  Yes, do not dive into a powerful river and swim out to get daughter's fishhook and then barely live to make it to shore. We can laugh and say we were once beautiful disasters.  Well, now it can be danged true. 

Most of us have spent a lifetime of "I can do it myself" and it takes a few knocks on the head before we admit we cannot.  There is coming a time when we have to ask for help.  Hopefully we have not pushed them all off. 

It is absolutely normal for our body to wear out, for our mind to dim some, our hearts to hurt, and our spirits to long for some peace.  No, we are not totally fragile.  Yes, we will do what we want to do, even if it kills us, most times.  We should not deceive ourselves into thinking we are not every bit as old as we are.  I am 71 and I have learned some of my limitations.  My father said I never would learn from other's mistakes.  Yes, I am still in that place a bit. 

Being kind to ourselves means that we accept that we cannot do what our inner child, maiden, younger woman could.  Being kind to ourselves means , by all means, do not give up because there are some magnificent things to happen yet.  Be kind to yourself because our jobs are done and we have higher purposes now.  Being kind to ourselves is to make sure we have things we CAN do when we have to give up doing something else.  Now we have time to give uninterrupted love.  Now is time to walk , or run, if you can, for pleasure.  Now is the time to stop worrying and fussing over past crap because some real crap this way comes.  Now is the time to develop spiritually.  Again, this is going to take a whole new kind of courage.  Brave on sisters, brave on!

©Carol Desjarlais 11.27.18