Fall Regrets

 

 

“…three different “perceptions of self” exist in the psyche: our actual self, our ought self, and our ideal self.  Regret is typically based on the degree to which your ideal self (the person you dreamed of becoming — what you believe you COULD BE) diverges from your actual self (the person you are in reality).  The ought self (the person you feel you SHOULD BE based on your family history, personal values, religious beliefs, etc.) is responsible for regret that occurs when the actions you have taken conflict with your own moral values.  Moreover, since many people develop an ideal self that is greatly exaggerated and unrealistic, self-loathing due to what has not been achieved is not uncommon.” – Davidai and Gilovich

One could spend every waking hour dreaming up things to regret.  As we slip into early fall, nights threatening to steal our breathed prayers, we begin to enter the season of the West, the season of denning in, the season of meditation.  It is the season that could be filled with regrets if we allow that.  Yes, Fall is the season to complete unfinished business and resolutions.  Yes, it is time to gather and grind and make great loaves of bread.  We all have things we wish had happened, wished we had made better decisions on, wished… 24 hours-a-day wishing things we wished.  At some point, we simply have to accept tat things are as they should be.  It is what it is.  Fall is a time for gratitude.  I could spend 24 hours a day being grateful for the many things, people, places, in my life. 

Regret is self-judgement, self-blame, self-shame.  It is said that we are more prone to regret things in the recent past because things we might have regretted, in the distant past, seem to have come to their own resolutions.  I had to sit with that statement for a bit.  It is true. 

There are some things we can regret that urge us to change paths, to not do that again, to circle back and make right.  Allowing ourselves to fall into the pit of despair over a missed change, a misplace word, a misconstrued conversation, and, women, being FIXERS, can always find something to regret.  People pleasers can always find something to regret.  We forget that we do not get re-dos. What is, is.  What was, was, and we need to gather up our big girl panties and get on with making things better, making sure we do not do it again, and being kind to ourselves for perceived mistakes. 

We have to surrender to our life of the past.  What happened a moment ago is there and stays there, our perception of ourselves must accept that it was what it was and we did what we did because we knew no better.  At that point, we begin to stop living what we thought was an ideal life and simply be who we are.  We learn from every regret.  Regrets are part of survival, I think, because we learn from them.  Of course, regrets “we’ve had a few”, but they no longer define us the moment we realize that we can accept what happened, what choices we made, what experiences we experienced, and move on.

Fall reminds us of such. 

 

Early Fall -

Spell-bound season is stunned
by cool-shoulder slip of autumn
and leaves turn to cradle
what they have worked so hard for

gourds, snuggled between warm cradle
and flowered wallpaper
nestle into warm earth
and wait out morning’s coffee-rise

she takes her cup out on to cedar deck,
watches her breath stream sweet
as she whispers to them,
as if they were children, under sweatered watch

he, un-racking the hoe, curves edge
against borders, to keep them from falling
out of bed too early

© Aug 2007, Carol Desjarlais  

©Carol Desjarlais 9.1.24