I am always dragging an elephant around with me. I am constantly scanning for and monitoring for some kind of threats to our relationships. That is called threat monitoring. You can learn to control it! You can! It takes being Present! You are not who you were yesterday! You are not who you will be tomorrow! You only have today! This moment! Identify your triggers! Do not give those triggers control! No one, nothing, can make you feel anything you do not want to feel!
Now to the crux of it. I have to tell you I have spent the better part of my 77 years being afraid of my children. Yes, you read that right. I have been afraid of my children. I have worked on it these last two weeks. I am careful to monitor how they are projecting and what I might say or do to turn them away from me. I know when it started. 1984.
It all began with when I left my 19-year marriage and began single-parenting. I was constantly anxious that my kids would be drawn back to their father. I was afraid they would not love me and would leave me. I went through stages of being permissive and/or being overly conscious of parenting skills. I turned myself inside out trying to please my children. I had become very aware that loves lasts as long as the click of fingers. I was aware of so many “ifs”.
One area I exceled, was with being open in communicating with my children. We even had an “Amnesty Evening” every week, or when needed. Amnesty evening meant that they would all come siot around me on my bed and everyone got to say or ask or confess anything and I could not get angry about it. There were times I really had to bite my tongue and times when they made up stuff to try to confess. LOL. They could ask questions, ask for help, ask if their friends could join us because they wanted in on it too. It could be instigated by me, or the kids. We focusing on collaborative problem solving. There could be no complaining about each other, they had to be direct in their problems or solutions. It was a win/win activity and do not think a mother let it all slide. I was conniving in remembering and figuring out how to approach a confession in a much later time, as a mother does.
I had problems developing boundaries with my children. I did have my “bucket of rules” on the door top coming in to the house. Anyone who entering had that bucket of rules fall on their heads. Not literally… lol. I had told them, when we first left the marriage, that we could not talk about religion or their dad. But they could bring problems of both to me and we could discuss them, one on one, or later. These were their favorite things I built into our relationships. It built respect and support and helped them bond more closely. There was great laughter, sorrow, anger, all the emotions that go with serious and light discussions. One little hiccup was when I had to set a boundary with an older grandchild. We hugged and made up but it was important for both of us to make sure we understand each other’s boundaries.
Sometimes, I shielded them too much. Sometimes, it backfired. But that is life and they each had different needs and desires so we stumbled our way through their childhoods. I had to not let my own anxiety bleed into their lives. I made sure they understood that education was important and, when I had an exam or an important paper, I would tell them Mother had to do them so WE could get high marks. I always posted my marks and showed them, modeled for them, the importance of their own education.
I let them see, and learn, for themselves, the differences in parenting as they spent some times going with their dad. I had sole custody and I tried, sometimes too hard, to make sure they spent time with him. I bit my tongue to rags but I tried to not react to his negativity. I knew he would spend a lifetime trying to get them to choose sides. I never asked that of them.
Just this past two weeks, we had some deep conversations and I was pleased that they still remember our amnesty times and felt a sense of pride that we still absolutely open communication, yes...even about dad. I felt a great deal of closure on many things. I was calm, I felt peace surround me, and an abiding love that we felt for each other. My children are resilient. I did not feel any sense of threat nor did I have any negative feelings coming from them. It was super positive. It helped give a huge amount of relief as my soul settled in and I felt loved and cared for.
I know that chronic anxiety within familial groups can be huge. It takes direct self-talk to get us to some resolution and it does not need to take so many years to come to this. For some, it will come more easily. I have learned that I have accepted, surrendered and come to peace with whatever happens. My children nurture me as I nurture them.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.15.24
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