I have a sense of stitching things up, sorting through life’s experiences, and wondering how I ever did what I did. I am still hearing, or understanding through inferences, about single parents, single-parent raised children, and how difficult it was/is. The village is busy with their own lives, but there seems to be a bitterness, inferred, or vocalized, about single-parenting and single-parent children. Some of the bitterness comes from the view that is perceived about us (yes, I was one who single-parented) in that it is felt and/or expressed that we are, somehow, a burden on society. Where is that village it takes to raise our children?
This morning, I heard, on CBC talk, that 1 in 5 children, in Canada, is growing up in a single-parent household. It was said that, since no-fault divorce came into play, the numbers of single parenting have skyrocketed. No mother planned to be a single-parent mother. There was a relationship “issue” that was not tolerable and, even though single-parenting would be one of the toughest jobs, it was better than staying. It takes bravery and courage, resourcefulness, and resilience to make it through.
I was lucky to have a strong group of support within the Mature Student faculty of the University I went to. We were all on a rudderless ship and rowing with oars, hard, striking out towards being financially viable and career in hand to ensure we could have the best life possible. Many of us felt empowered, many felt shame, most of us were overwhelmed. Back in the 80’s, we were very aware, through media, through financial institutions, through religious institutions, through our very peers, that there was a stigma attached to us and our children. I, for one, fought hard to make sure my kids did not fit their statistics, their perceived notions, and I raised well-balanced kids who have become successful adults. (Of course, there is always that one who kept me humble).
We are, right now, hearing how financially difficult the economy is making it for everyone. Who considers the single-parent mother, or father? I have a son-in-law who has raised, is raising, six of my grandchildren. He is an amazing dad...a real Mr. Mom, and against all odds, he has done it. He is First Nations. He was the husband of my daughter who has kept me humble. He had a double whammy of minority considerations. He has worked hard to be able to raise the kids. I get what it might have been like for him; the stigmas, the constant judgments, the stereotyping, besides trying to work enough to be there for the children and pay expenses. We, single-parents are mighty strong and driven. We are. And have been, tenacious. We found ways to have enough, sometimes, just barely enough, sometimes not enough, and still, accessing ways to get what was needed. And, we did it alone, without a partner’s support, many times with no support at all. Our village has sometimes abandoned us.
And there is loneliness to consider. Tons of emotional baggage and not access to support. We learned to make decisions on our own. Not all of our decisions were the best, but they were the best at the worst of times. We learned to rob Peter to pay Paul. In other words, if we did go out, we had to pay absorbent childcare, and we lost precious time with our children. It was a constant emotional juggling act. Truly. And, sometimes we simply hit the wall. And we got to know that WALL intimately. We were driven because to not be driven meant we could collapse with the weight of it all and no one to catch us if we fell. Where was the Weeping Wall in the village to unload on?
Oh, be kind to those we know who are single-parenting. Go and find the single parent who has a crack in their soul and that crack lets in all the negativity, all the guilt and shame and fear. All I ever wanted as to raise my noys not to be like their father and my girls to be strong and have strong boundaries and be resilient. We want other single-parents to communicate with; to support and encourage and model and brace our backs. We are a bunch of single-parents who seem to have no tribe. We patch things up as life hands us yet another challenge, all on our own, and we should not have had to do it alone. We need to remember where we came from, those of us who made it through. We need to turn back and give a hand up to those who are following our paths we took. We need to be encouraging, empathetic, understanding and truly supporting. The challenge I give you today is to seek out that neighbor, that relative, that girl at the bus stop who you know is single-parenting. Find that father who is trying to be super Mr. Mom and give him some encouragement. Help them to stich up the gaping holes in the body, mind, heart and soul. Like it or not, we are all a tribe of some kind. Rach out to those who do not have a circle. Take them the needles and the threads to stitch up the gaping holes in body, mind, heart and soul.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.16.24
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