Those of us who have abandonment issues, (given away by birth mother, for instance), could very well have conflict avoidance issues. It is exhausting to make sure that everyone loves us. We condition ourselves to fear such things as rejection, so we fear conflict out of fear of being rejected. When we fear conflict, it could be because our deepest first wound might be one sensed as abandonment or rejection.
I know a family where the parents worked from dawn to midnight and the kids rattled around in life on their own. The parents feared conflict with the children and so did everything but turn themselves inside out trying to appease them, to make up for not being there, and absolutely gave them everything rather than have the kids create the chaos of conflict. Those children are adults who are still being appeased at great cost. It is a classic case of conflict avoidance.
Relationships are tough at best of times. But parents, themselves, can feel vulnerable. Some adult women remain vulnerable when there are these issues. They might feel like they are constantly “goal-keeping” around any conflict that might arise. The type of person who avoids conflict is, typically, a people pleaser, peace-maker, isolationist, poor communicator, passive-aggressive, the ever-humorist, perfectionist, anxious. There, it is said. I could be all of those at different times. I, too, have some conflict issues, to be sure, that I work on constantly. It is strange to me that I could be a type A personality, gregarious, opinionated, and strict self-boundary-maker, and still be avoiding conflict. Ah, but there is the rub. I crave being “the nice woman” to the 9th degree. I guess I will spend every day of the rest of my life being a conflict avoiding person if I do not get this sorted.
We can actually possess coping skills around conflict-resolution but our people-pleasing in close relationships can be a whole other problem to deal with. We can be totally aware that confrontation is evidenced in every day living, but, sometimes, we would rather walk away, leaving the conflict unresolved. We can get a headache, a stomach ache, a flu bug, anything rather than do so. We may find being isolationists easier than trying to meet others’ needs to pacify them. We are also, or can be, guilty-ridden people because we are in conflict in the first place. Oh, I know this woman well, as well.
This kind of woman is a great caretaker, will close off our own needs, rather than cause any conflict. We are nurturers. They are understanding. They are empathic. We accommodate others. We do not say “NO!” easily. Some avoid any emotional responses to others because emotions are just too difficult to manage. When suddenly confronted with a conflictive issue, their reaction might be totally out of character and they tend to verbally vomit all over everyone and then think all is fixed, or they walk away and do not defend themselves at all and spend days, weeks, months, trying to figure out what happened. We can become emotionally exhausted easily.
You know, sometimes conflict is necessary and as we mature, we should develop better and better skills at resolutions. I have been working on personal conflict resolution for these last couple of years. I have shared my feelings around a conflictive topic and set my boundaries, clearly, so that I know when to five in and try to communicate a resolution, or, I have learned there are times when walking away is simply the best for all parties. How important is the person, in reality; the topic, in reality, the incident, really? I have, timidly, begun to say “no” to things I just simply cannot do, to things I simply cannot accept. Baby steps. And, it can be, actually, terrifying. Handling people, places, things in conflict and remain quiet, is really really hard. But, remembering politeness surely would help. I then have to confront myself bout boundary-setting and the anxiety that causes. I try not to script, in other words, expect confrontation when I speak up. (Those deadly “what ifs”. I have learned the benefits of “pausing”….think before speaking or acting.
Am I getting the best control of self…no, but I am truly trying. Speaking up is, perhaps a generational thing where those of my generation were taught, and conditioned, not to speak out. We might have been called “aggressive” instead of “assertive”. I am learning that I do not need to try and force others to see from my point of view and that there is a way to get people to listen to my ideas/opinion. I am learning that it is okay to allow people to disagree with me. I am learning that, during that pause I take, to consider their perspective, and understand how truly they value their own opinion and so, if I value mine, they should be allowed to value theirs. I refuse to take all the blame and stop nitpicking looking for others to blame. Confrontation is a common thing. How we deal with confrontation is who we truly are. I am learning to be accountable for who I am. Sometimes “I am woman, hear me roar”! As we seek to change ourselves, our thoughts and actions, how we value people, how we value what we believe, we are sending ripples of change out into the ether. Is it going to be easy? No. And every day we have to work at improving ourselves and learning better and better coping skills with just about everything, in my case.
Caring for self, and others we love, means that we must love from a deep and honest way and that also means forging deeper, healthier, ways with coping with conflict because in every relationship there comes, or has potential to come, conflict. Resolve to make resolutions.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.30.24
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