“THE UNIVERSE IS FULL OF MAGICAL THINGS, PATIENTLY WAITING FOR OUR WITS TO GROW SHARPER.” – Eden Phillpotts
Every decade, my needs, wants, desires changed. I was coached by conditioning through the many efforts of community, of institutions, of culture, of society. But I seem to be refining what is needed, wanted, desired. I am sensing that I have morphed into more soul/spirit and needing grace and dignity, peace and calmness. I am not intellectually needy. I am not emotionally needy, but I do have to say, as 78th year has begun, I am physically needy. I am surrendering and accepting and learning to let go more than ever, on a physical level. Pain and aching of a whole new way has become my daily suffrage. Sometimes it just is almost too much. Some days are a nagging ache. And I am learning to accept even that. I am doing what I can do and accepting that my body is truly aged and I have not been super kind to it. I continually remind myself to be older than I think I am.
I find that I can easily let things go. I am not over-thinking everything. I am somewhere, emotionally, between boredom and calmness. I try to keep busy, keep learning, stay attuned to my feelings, and find something, every day, to feed my soul. I love to get up at dawn on these summer mornings and love to watch as the daylight comes to touch my spiraling up of flowers, measure, by eye, the growth of my lilies, and listen to the chatter of birds peeling back night. I plan my day and then go in to do the prepping for food, for my art for the day, for the evening. Sometimes I research a new recipe for things I have on hand. Right now, I have sour cream and blueberries and I have found a cake to make, if my day flows into doing it. I do not remain tied to my “list” in my head. It is flexible because I do not know if I might want to read a book, do more art, or go shopping. All of it, I let flow as it will and there is tomorrow for my “list” of things I did not get done. By ten o’clock, I am “free range woman”. It still gets very hot and I take time out to rest my knee, to sit in the air conditioning, watch some Netflix, do art, read a book. Nothing is a “have to”. Life is easier in those ways.
Most of us seniors have an inkling of what older age might be like because we watched our mothers and/or fathers aged and we saw what they went through. Both of my mothers sunk into forgetting where the body is left and the soul seems to wander. I remember my mothers saying, often, how much her shoulders hurt, she complained about losing things, and she said it hurt to get older. I remember the long sighs of a caregiver. I remember her being frustrated by how long it took dad to get to the vehicle and get in. I remember my dad complaining mom was always going somewhere. She would say that Dad would hide her yarn so she could not crochet. He would hide the remote. He would do things that he thought would keep all her attention on him. I, also, knew that she had to have ME TIME. Mother was a saint, truly, and she gave everything she could to make dad’s aging easier for both of them. I get that all now. I get it in the pain in my knee, the sighing, the restlessness as one’s world gets smaller.
One has to be on constant watch that one does not sink into apathy, make one’s world even smaller than it should be, and sink into a type of lethargy. There is a difference between acceptance, surrender, and giving up. Every day, one has to enrich one’s life. It is imperative to take care of your body and do whatever is necessary to keep as much hurt away as one can. Pain ages us. I saw a woman, yesterday, who has aged so much in the last year. I do not know her name but she went from a vivacious woman to waking with two canes, her skin is sallow, her eyes have no sparkle they used to have, her back is bowed, and there is a definite deterioration of personality. It had me weigh how I appear and, being ever vain, I do as much as I can to not look sallow-skinned and having no pizzazz. I have always been a ball of energy and I know that I have definitely toned down. I wear stylish clothes when I go out. I make an extra effort. Most days.
I am grateful for more small things. I am learning to accept patience. I am relearning some coping skills as life gets more difficult. I certainly know I am aging. There is no denying that. I stay home when I am really hurting. I cannot fake a good knee. I realize how much of us ‘fake it ’til we make it’. I try to learn something new every day. I keep as much structure as possible so I do not have time to brood. I get full joy in sunrises, sunsets, the gathering of geese to teach the young ones how to build stamina for the long flight south. I am critically aware that as the geese prepare to fly, I, too, am preparing to accept that physical change from body to soul. I want to make that transition peacefully.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.21.24
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