“You aren’t falling apart. You’re well beyond that. You’re just rattling along now. Elven dolls doing what little you can to gather the pieces as they fall away. But you don’t know how to properly reattach them—a doll does not repair itself. So you hug those brittle fragments to your chest until you simply cannot hug anymore. Until you’ve had to leave so many behind that you no longer remember what it is you’re missing.” ―
I do not know why we struggle with surrender, other than it is our Ego that gets in the way. Sometimes it feels like giving in in a negative way. Sometimes it feels like losing. Sometimes it feels like someone else is winning. Sometimes it simply depressing. Sometimes it makes us angry. Sometimes it is easy and freeing. Sometimes it is really difficult and causes more problems than we feel it was worth. It is why, sometimes, it is a last resort.
Everything about us dislikes feeling vulnerable. But, when you surrender during difficult times, the outcome can be more chaos than you were in in the first place. There are repercussions. Some serious checks and balance lists have to be made. There is the decision to be made that has consequences and implications and there are alternatives. It is often the alternatives that layer on the stress of decision-making over hard things. Suddenly you feel a sense of not being able to cope any more and you are pushed towards “giving up” or making decision(s) to walk away, totally… That kind of decision-making. It all just gets harder and requires more faith in yourself, more bravery, more courage to face the aftermath and how it affects everyone involved.
I have just faced that kind of decision and no matter what the decision, I had to consider who it would hurt the worst. I tendered my decision by “If this ever happens again, I will have to go….” That was my surrender. I would be giving up something precious for my own health, peace of mind, emotional peace, and the very saying of that hurt another, but I had to save myself in this.
Our very soul wants to be able to be in control of every situation. For some situations, control is futile. We try every coping skill we have to deal with some situations. We reject, we push, we pull, against situations that give us turmoil. When it becomes painful and, even when we know there will be repercussions, we have no alternative than to let life happen. We are dumped into a time where we are, indeed, vulnerable in new ways. We desperately want relief and at the end of things, somewhere, some time, it is there within reach. In those moments, after rejection of a situation, and following our decision, we are absolutely Present. We place our trust in Life, or something that is in charge of Life and, in that, comes a sense of wary relief…but relief, just the same.
That is the core of it all: We trust a process that we have decided on to save ourselves from one situation and, holding a belief in good things, we have become willing to go through the end of it to get to a place of physical, intellectual, emotional and/or spiritual peeve from the original situation. Again... we place or trust in the end result. I wish you this in these kinds of situations. Blessed Be!
©Carol Desjarlais 06/09/23
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