Lost My Joy Somewhere, Has Anyone Seen It?

 

 

“To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over. No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it…it’s over. It can hurt you no more.”  -  Mandy Hale

I lost my joy somewhere.  Have you seen it, lying like a dropped handkerchief where the wind might have stashed it?

I have just gone through three months of heavy-duty emotional barrage.  I lost my oldest daughter; in itself, a huge complicated thing.  I feel alone and disappointed.   I am disappointed with my inability to cope. All the things that typically give me joy are not.  I am gaining ground and coping better, but I certainly have my moments.   I have learned that to verbalize my feelings, being authentic about how I am feeling, without shame or guilt, is a huge step towards gaining that ground to well-being.

Many are not used t me being vulnerable to tell how deeply I am feeling things.  I am exuberant.  I am typically, precocious.  I talk a mile a minute.  Sometimes I share some deeper things, but not often.  I have spent decades being strong and brave and I hate to lose that veneer.  Few can look at me and see that deep down I might be hurting.  I do not give the depths away easily.  I do not want pity.  But I am careful about my need for compassion.  Everyone has so much they are dealing with.  My pitiful little problems do not come close to what they might be going through.  But this time... this time...

I am really close to my brother and sister-in-law.  I only just told them a bit of it all last evening.  I was careful to tell them I was going to speak to a professional and have a consultation with one so that I can clarify my feelings.  I get all muddled when I try to speak of my very depths.  I simply told a sketchy part of the things that brought me to my knees over the past three months.  I do not want anyone to solve my problems, just to listen as I verbalize them and not give advice... simply listen.  I need to solve this on my own or it is not really solved. 

You have noticed, I am sure, that there have not been daily daily blog entries.  I have been a bit scarce online.  I had to leave the house and be really really busy.  I found good things to focus on.  I have the open house tomorrow night.  I am finishing my ribbon skirt today so I can wear it.  I have other projects I can work on and will do so to keep myself busy until I go to Lethbridge the end of the month to care for my brother and keep him company while my sis-in-law goes on her yearly, well-deserved, holiday.  Things are getting better… truly.

The only reason I share this now is because I am on my way back up.  Things are resolving.  I see a light at the end of this dark tunnel I have been in.  If I was still in the depths of it, I could not share.  I will be busy seeking my joy over this next while. 

 framed photo of my expression of Splatsin and Enderby