By the end of day, you are done. You have pasted a smile on your face all day, chit chatted about things that wore you down, dealt with frustrating things, and…you are just done. You are crabby by the time evening comes and you bang the pots and pans and make dinner, stack the dishwasher, wash the pots and pans, wiped off counters and table and swept or mopped the floor. You are done and the last thing you want to do is deal with more people…even your people. Your day was filled with stuff that is physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritually draining. Yes! You are DONE! Now you have to deal with who you must spend the evening with, even though you love them, you do not want to People any more. How do we be more loving to those who deserve our love after you have hit the wall?
See, we think these people who we love will forgive us our bad moods, will know that we are done, and not demand anything more of us. Doesn’t happen. Seems that the more you are cranky, the crankier they get. We forget family niceties. We forget the unspoken rule that family needs the most tender loving care, even when we feel least like doing it.
It is hard to shut off the emotional draining of the day. Our feet hurt. Our brain hurts. We seem to just wait for the spark to set us off and our Ego/Evil Inner Witch is raring for an outlet. We are not too tired to react. It is at that critical moment that we have to rise above our weakened defenses and find ways to de-escalate, fast! Excuse yourself for a few minutes, go to your bedroom, take some deep breaths, count to ten, yell into a pillow, think calm thoughts. Take a comment to realize you are responsible for your bad mood. You are responsible for your anxiety and your ire. These people, here, in your now, are not. They do not deserve to pay for everyone else’s demands of you. Change your clothes. Brush your hair. Have a quick shower. Realize that these people are the ones who are your tribe, your very important people, the ones who deserve, not just your time and effort of the day, but deserve your love. They, too, have had “a day”.
I used to work off my angst. I could clean the house in half an hour, from top to bottom, doing, as my granddaughter said, and not too long ago, ‘Oh, look mom, Grandma is ‘mad-cleaning’. Someone, other than my people, had set me off, and I was working it out. Literally… the moment she said that, and I heard it, we laughed and laughed and soon all was forgotten because I loved these people so much. We were all aware that that is how I dealt with stress and frustrations. I cannot do that any more.
Sometimes, at the end of a day or two or three, you need to fake it til you make it just a little bit longer. If you walk into a room full of black and bluster, you will be met by black and bluster. These are the moments to practice gratitude, to be kind, to give to others what you so desperately need at the moment. You can deal with your own issues after a bit when your last nerve stops tingling. Remember that you really do love these people you are ‘stuck’ with at the end of the day. Though they can set your teeth on edge, remember, they deserve your kindest words. Believe me, if even something happened to even one of them, you’d be lost. They are not your sounding boards. They are the braces for your back.
Sometimes we expect too much of our people. We know it cannot be all love and joy and happy and easy. WE are not all love and joy and happy and easy. You do not mean to bicker. You do not mean to roll your eyes. You do not mean to sigh like they are the worst in the world, you do not mean to be muttering under your breath, you do not mean to be bitter and snarling, hiss and spit… but sometimes we do and are and it is not their fault. When we have been, it does not feel good. That bed you were dying to hit hours ago does not fit easily when you are ashamed of yourself, angry, or bitter. We know we should have been nicer. We know we need to do something to get them to forgive us, and fast. If you are sleeping in an angry bed, so will they be. Best we tuck in our today and try treating them in a way that they will be glad to see you on the morrow.
Be mindful that everyone has a day’s story to tell. Sit down and let them tell you theirs. Most likely, by the time they have shared a bit, the laughter will come. You really do love these people of yours. They are the ones that matter. Every moment with them is a memory. Realize that you, being overwhelmed, need to just breathe. Check the tenseness of your body. Pop some popcorn, make yourself a chai tea, bring in drinks for the rest of your people and realize that this is the last service of the day that means the most to your whole world. Have a challenge, for just yourself or for your people. See how many chews it takes to swallow a mouthful of popped popcorn. Take it further if you have to, until you are all laughing. Toss popcorn to see if you can get it in the mouth of one of your people. You will suddenly feel the day drain off you. We can all be such silly things and sometimes the silliest of things can be the release of the day’s tensions. Popcorn can cure so many family ailments. It did with all my children who knew when to ‘clear out’.
Remember to own your own feelings. Remember to be angry at the people, places, things you mean to be angry about. Warn your people. ‘I have had a rough day….” Love those that deserve it most. Your People.
©Carol Desjarlais 9.18.23
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