She Knew Who She Was and Lived That

 

 

 

“Deep inside she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often funny. But somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.” – Julia Quinn

 

I never was a good rule follower, really.  I tried but often my personality got in the way and I would break silly conventional rules.  I have never been a conventional person.  I was a dreamer.  I was a poet.  I was always finding out I was at the wrong place at the wrong time.  I never meant to actually break rules, most times.  I simply was not an ordinary child, youth, adult.  I was not always proud of being who I was.  I put myself in a “pickle” more times than not.    Sometimes I was much ashamed.  Sometimes I was pure guilt.  Sometimes I was delightful but not many found me so.  I was only delightful to myself.  I was ‘precocious’, they said.  I was wrong more times than not.  I meant to be right but wrong was so absolutely delicious and full of adventure.  I was an entity to myself.  I was not always brave nor was I always a lamb.  I lived as authentically as I could yet I wished to live to please.  If I had the chance to do it all again, I would do more wrong.  I wud live out loud without feeling guilty.  I would not let the world hurt me nor would I hurt the world.  I would be pure, unadulterated me.  The child of wonder and wanderlust; the child of love and ‘let go’ without grief; the child of laughter and joy and adventures; guilt-free.  Yes, I would be who I am today, comfortably me; decidedly me; deliriously lovely and adventurous me.  I would be less fearful.  Yes, I would be that.

I always loved wear Harley Davidson boots and emulated Diane Keaton’s Annie Hall character.  I still do when I am in the mood to be the real me.  I love long skirts and the hippy dippy look when I can find things to pull together to do so.  I am not so interested in the style since I have gained weight.  It looked so much better when I was skinny.  I am going to go for it again. 

I love to dye my hair, or parts of it, since I was 16 years old.  My girlfriend and I dyed our hair with food coloring. It went green and I spent days trying to wash out the remnants of it out.  I still have a pop of color somewhere on my head.

I softly whistle, almost without thought, at any moment.  I find I have a song in my head all the time and it may break out in a soft whistle. One note can lead into another song.   I am sure, if I sink into Alzheimer’s or dementia, I will be whistling through the senior’s lodge. 

I get paint on everything I wear.  I try not to, but Muse can be a sloppy artist.  I do art every day and plant to do so for the rest of my life.  Art is my prayer, my meditation and my opening to inner soul that heals me as I work.

I read magazines back to front.  I guess that is how I live life too... I do according to the end and work back to clean up my messes.  I often read full books that way too.  I like historical romance or new age topics.  I do not read as much for enjoyment as art takes my creative time.  I think, when I am old and parked in a senior’s home, hand me a box of crayons and I will be in my glory.

When I am driving, I turn my music up to blaring.  I tend to sing along when I am on long hours of a drive, but short drives, I listen to CBC talk radio.  I learn such interesting things.  I am a lifelong learner and I choose things that soothe me to listen to.  I listened to certain rap songs, TLC’s “Waterfall” and still listen to things like “God’s Plan” by Drake.  I like songs that relate to my life.

I have a daughter… the middle one, who keeps me humble…this is a song for her: 

Lyrics:

“A lonely mother gazing out of her window

Staring at a son that she just can't touch

If at any time he's in a jam she'll be by his side But he doesn't realize he hurts her so much

 But all the praying just ain't helping at all

'Cause he can't seem to keep his self out of trouble

So he goes out and he makes his money the best way he knows how

Another body laying cold in the gutter

Listen to me

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to

 I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all

But I think you're moving too fast

Little precious has a natural obsession for temptation
But he just can't see
She give him loving that his body can't handle
But all he can say is, "Baby, it's good to me"
One day he goes and takes a glimpse in the mirror
But he doesn't recognize his own face
His health is fading and he doesn't know why
Three letters took him to his final resting place
Y'all don't hear me

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

I seen a rainbow yesterday
But too many storms have come and gone
Leavin' a trace of not on God-given ray
Is it because my life is ten shades of gray
I pray all ten fade away
Seldom praise Him for the sunny days
And like his promise is true
Only my faith can undo
The many chances I blew
To bring my life to anew
Clear blue and unconditional skies
Have dried the tears from my eyes
No more lonely cries
My only bleedin' hope
Is for the folk who can't cope
Wit such an endurin' pain
That it keeps 'em in the pourin' rain
Who's to blame
For tootin' caine in your own vein
What a shame
You shoot and aim for someone else's brain
You claim the insane
And name this day in time
For fallin prey to crime
I say the system got you victim to your own mind
Dreams are hopeless aspirations
In hopes of comin' true
Believe in yourself
The rest is up to me and you

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast

 

Drake’s God’s Plan 

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This is me and I am living it.  Sometimes I live it out loud, sometimes I am a low whistle, but here I am, arting and blogging, a forever learner and a striver to do good things at good times by living it… living my authenticity. 

©Carol Desjarlais 4.20.22.