But, I did it my way. And, with out regret, what would keep us from bouncing off experiences to heck with it and everybody else? And, who would it impact more than us? If I did not have regret to curb me, whatever would I have become? It is a scary thought because I think we need a dose of regrets now and then. But, regrets are not always negative.
Yes, a whole bunch if shame and guilt can be embedded in that word, painful even, but it all depends on what we are regretting. It is what we do with regret that holds the key.
Regret was once something that taught us a lesson about threats and survival. We want to avoid those things and regret is afterthought about what we did that we wished we had not, or something we should of done but did not. Today we attach it as missed opportunities, unintended pain we gave others; an emotionally driven aspect. It is, it seems, a common human experience to view past things in the negative. Why that is, I have not figured out yet, but I still look at the things I think I regret and I am able to weigh that regret to the positive changes I made in my life. You better believe there are few things I regret that I should not, and there are a few things I regret that made me change my life so much for the better. I think we are vulnerable to negative feedback and so there is a space for regrets to fill.
So often we sense regret as a sense of failure. It mainly hits about menopause when all things are heightened anyways. It represents a time when things are changing and we feel a need to have done so, or on the cusp of changing. Regrets belong to the past and have nothing to do with the future, unless we decide to be mired there. The present is the moment to make that change that will influence the future.
Learn to see regret as a signal to change. Yes. There is something missing in our life and so we need to strike out sand seek that. Yes, we have made decisions that we wish we had not… but, consider the decisions we made, in the long haul, that were for the best.
I have often said, “If I had known how horrible divorce proceedings could be, I would never have had the nerve.” I would have stayed and died a thousand deaths because I had not. That would have been the real regret. In the end, the divorce was the greatest gift I gave all of us. The fear, the abuse, the horrible dramatic months broke me but made me anew. I came out of it with full sole custody of the little kids and joint custody with the older ones. It was horrible but it was best. It took the future for me to be able to look back and be grateful I had summoned up the courage. What gave me the courage was the little kids. Single-parenting it through university was one of the hardest things I would ever do in life. I could not have done it now. I had one chance to do what was right for all of us and, by darn, I did it. We all flourished, eventually. Yes, there are some ‘cling-ons’ as each of the seven children work through their issues, or not, but I have learned to let be what will and accept what is and let each find their way to flourish or not. It had to be one for all and all for one decision, at the time. I do not know where I got such bravery, courage and commitment. I do not regret my decision. What a wonderful life we would have all missed. That, that would have been real regret.
We can stew and mire in our need to know the weight of decisions that might lead to regrets. Although, at the moment of decisions, it may not be clear. Sometimes you just have to jump off the weary road. This does not mean denial of consequences. Oh, there will be consequences, but having faith in the end of it all being right for us is the key. Own it. Live it, although sometimes it feels like dying, and going on despite it all, as hard as that may be, can lead us to un-thought of chances to really be ourselves… fearfully brave and all, where we grow from what felt like regret.
©Carol Desjarlais 4.27.22
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