Shadows

Shadows

for a moment     just before you open patio door

your shadow dragging dog out with you

i saw sunshine peak through ominous clouds

my friend is cleaning house

stem to stern    she has slow growing cancer

soon to be drugged into silence

and forgetting

in order to take out darkness in her uterus

my brother     another episode in a night

hours wait in a chair in a waiting room

contemplating shadows behind drawn curtains

twelve days beyond strokes and heart attack

crumpled with worry and wonder

at what lie ahead

my fake fingernail came off its glued center

keys of my keyboard are more black than white

and every plunk of that fingernail-free fingertip

reminds me of how little I have to care about

except that you might get rained on

our earlier downpour maybe return

and both of you will come home sodden

but come home      and I will complain

about your muddy feet     such a silly worry

that might break up monotony

of my mid-day musings   about shadows

©Carol Desjarlais 6.27.19

Sometimes we live under that shadow of important, life-impacting things.  As we age, life becomes more tenuous and, yet, predictable.  Sometimes we end up alone.  Sometimes we end up with a partner for comfort.  Sometimes we are taken care of, sometimes we are caretakers.  Some of us will be celebrating our 50th - 60th anniversary together.  Some of us are new.  Some of us are respected and are shown gratitude.  Some are not.  Some of us are old friends.  Some of us are happily living out our lives with peace and comfort.  Some see us, second women in their dad or mom's lives as interlopers or just someone who is a glorified caretaker so they do not have to do it.  Always living in shadows, we are. 

Some of us might be totally taken care of by our new partner.  Some of us are wise enough to take care of ourselves and pay our own way besides paying half the expenses.  Some of the adult children of this blended, or unblended, family get how vulnerable it is to be second or thirds.  Some of the adult children will resent everything we do.  Some will appreciate us.  Some of us fit right in.  Some of us keep our personal belongings packed up, in case because we know the adult children might be savage dogs once their parent is gone.  There is always a shadow we live under. 

Some of us live in houses of our own design.  Some of us will live in another woman's house.  Some can surround themselves with photos of their own children, with a home made new and part of the new couple.  Some do not.  Some buy new homes as a couple.  Some women are made most comfortable by knowing they have done something worth the other making sure they are okay after he goes, or she makes arrangements for him.   Some live with their own furniture.  Some start anew. 

Soem of us can go to sleep at the same time and rise at the same time.  Some like to sleep in.  Some sleep toegh4eter.  Some sleep on the couch because ratcheted knees or hips are more comfortable in a recliner or a couch.  Some fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow.  Some cannot sleep until much later so watch television until late in the night after one has retired.  Some like music in the background.  Some do not.  Some like the heater up.  Some like an air conditioner on.  Some are warm.  Some are cold.  Some compromise way more than the other.  Some realize we are compromising.  Some like certain foods.  Some do not.  We compromise.

Some are continually compared to the old.  Some are grateful for just being and being allowed to be.  Some enjoy travel and some do not.  Some have places they routinely go for activities.  Some do not. 

Most times a second feels like a second and adult children will draw a line in the sand and you are not included ...my dad/my mom, my dad's things/my mom's things.  Some find out early that they are resented.  Some are taken aback when the line is drawn.  Some have made a strong enough commitment to be loyal to their spouse.  Some have not.  Always shadows.

Some have lived totally different lifestyles and it is hard to have the others made to feel like an integral part of the new family circle.  It is so difficult when you add on to your tribe.  What they eat can be different, even that causes shadows.  "Don't feed THAT stuff to my dad."  Ugh!  Sometimes one wonders if it is worth it, but then you love their father/mother and you realize it is part of the deal and you are in it for way better reasons.  But, there is always tension; Especially if their recreation is so different than yours, their education and maturity levels are so different.  It, truly, can be a struggle.

I guess a "second..." should expect that the adult children of a spouse will be critical.  You are NOT their mother/father and they struggle, too, with differences in culture and expectations.   One should expect that they are too busy to be caretakers and to leave the partner would put her/him in desperate situations.  In being 'second..." one has to maintain a sense of self within the new circle.  One has to stay who they are and it works or does not work and that's the deal.  Shadows!

One can create boundaries, but in doing to, you are not allowing for a closeness which some partners are used to with people.  When adult children were raised a different way than one raised their own, it can create lots of tension, and, betimes, chaos.  No matter why the new relationship, death of spouses or divorce, the family is already broken and we are all dealing with that brokenness. 

Even if you make sure that the parent and their children have issues of inheritance and finances taken care of, early in the new relationship, y9u always think that they are holding part of that against you.  In my case, I ask for nothing, pay my own way, pay my own share into everything home related so that it can never be said I used my partner in any way.  I keep a healthy boundary with such.  But, if he should go before me, the dogs would become savage, seen the potential, experienced it before, and it is a fear that resides with us...another shadowy thing. 

Old family issues are still at play in the new family.  Very often we, the "second..." can become the target for their old problems.  I am pretty good at placing it back on them, but there are things I know nothing of.  I might be their punching bag for something I have no idea of.  Somehow I have to walk my journey, a bit distant from all.  We have to try to keep our relationship strong and how we have developed our connection, without having any intrusion or misunderstandings of what our relationship is.  There is chaos I am not even capable of dealing with, so one holds oneself away from relationships at all, other than a neighborly-type relationship. 

Somehow even territory has its shadow side.  It has to be expected and some things are more brutal than others.  Being "second..." is brutal to the psyche and sense of self and they often know that y9u are vulnerable and they will use anything against y9u.  I am so aware of shadowy areas.  Every so often it comes up, but lately, as their father ages, they begin drawing deeper lines.  I will forger be worried and so, now, I have a shadow side as well.  I am not leaving, but things are getting packed and sorted for 'just in case'... because I know the hardship of those kinds of things and I am preparing, just in case those shadows turn into monsters.  I will know exactly where everything is and know where they are so they can be packed u by me, or, if I go first, can be easily found by my children or whomever comes to get my 'stuff'.  It is a sad way to live, but one has to protect oneself from all kinds of shadows. 

Do you live with shadows?  I think most of us do.

©Carol Desjarlais 7.1.19