" there is a "primal wound" that
develops when a mother and child are separated by adoption
shortly after childbirth. It describes the mother and child as having a vital
connected relationship which is physical, psychological and physiological, and
examines the effects of disrupting such bonds. all adoptees, even those adopted
at birth, will retain memories of the separation from their birth mothers, and
that regardless of the way the adoption is presented and handled by adoptive
parents, these memories will have profound effects on the emotional and
psychological well-being of the child and adult adoptee." - Wikipedia
What I have found, in talking to so many who have
been found, or have found, their birth mother or father, is astounding. At some point, in our lives, we make our own
identity. It feels, somewhat, like you
are put on someone else's sports team because there is only one of you, so you
sort of live on the fringes. Then,
suddenly, you are found, and, if you are lucky, you are drawn right into the
circle.
How many of us, given away, taken away, spend our
lifetime wanting to be mor3e, to be more connected? How many of us seek to fit in at any
cost? How many of us finally strike out
on a totally different path, knowing we will never fit, and find/make a place
for ourselves. My one cousin ran away
from home to join the navy and found his 'place' there. He made his 'place' there and stayed until he
retired. He loved the navy. It came to feel like a whole home. We are within fourteen names of his birth
parent that has the same last name as mine was.
A friend made his way to the far north to find his 'place'. He ended up on the series Ice Road
Truckers. He finally found his birth
father and mother's families. For some of
us, it is the first time that we have felt home.
There are many who do not know of the Primal Wound. It is a common story in the lives of those
who were abandoned, given away, raised in foster homes, or foundling homes, or
adopted as small children. It has
profound implications. No matter how
wonderful parenting is in the new homes, no matter how much they are told they
are gifts, no matter how much love and attention is spent, it is not enough,
and it becomes a sense of guilt in the adoptee or re-familied child. Most of us believe love will cure all. It does not.
In a study I did, in University, for a paper, I
spoke to and interviewed adults who had been separated as children from
parents. So many became confused as we
spoke of connections, abandonments, rejections, self-esteem, emotions and
behaviors that did not seem to fit other people's reality. Some could not put their finger on why they
felt such. To add to this was guilt and
shame at not feeling what the new families gave to them, in a deep, soulful,
personal way. And, a sense of never being able to repay them for loving and
caring about such an unqorthy thing. In
many cases, they had acted out what they sensed of themselves. Attachment disorder was huge. I knew these things of myself.
Another thing that showed up was surrounding
critique and criticism. To flung-far
children, a critique or criticism was always felt as personal. I did bad so therefore I am bad. The "I am bad" comes down the tube
from earliest memories. Why else would
one have been given away? There was
always that constant fear that we could never be enough, do enough, be worthy
of much else. We simply do not trust ourselves, either.
To a person, we all had a sense of deep grief and
loss, no matter how we covered that up.
I have a sense that, if we are not found by, or find, birth family, we
will deal with the Primal Wound forever.
Others cannot understand what we do not understand ourselves. Just know, no amount of love from others can
ever heal like the love of blood and bone.
Many of us have been found, or found, and have been rejected again. This was my greatest fear when meeting my
birth mother. I knew how much courage
and what a risk I was taking in going to meet my maternal birth family. And, yes, one has rejected me. It hurt in a deep place that can never be
given light of day. I understand the why
of her rejection and abandonment. The
politics are huge in returning, and in the original families. There is no deeper bond than blood and
bone. There is no deeper wound than
original rejection, abandonment, even if it was the best and afforded a better
life. There are no clichés. There are no sweet little pat phrases. It is soul deep and the soul knows.
If you have a family member, or friend, or know of
any that are around you, just know their struggle is real; their struggle is deeper than they may know. Love does not heal all, but love and understanding and compassion helps.
©Carol Desjarlais 7.16.19
No comments:
Post a Comment