False Identity

"I was very young when I was cracked open. 

Some things you should let go of

others you shouldn't

Views differ as to which.

-Emily Berry, "The Numbers Game

I was doing some reading on accidental identity.  Accidental identity, I think I have figured out, is when one things happens and we allow that to be our identity.  When something traumatic happens to us, for instance, we accidently take that as our identity.  It was true once but not forever.  What may happen to us, does become some of our identity, at that time, but not forever, because we have eternal ability to change every moment.  Who I was, as that abandoned baby, does not mean I was ever always abandoned.  Just because I may have been, or felt, abandoned again, does not mean it was the same abandonment.  I spent a lifetime feeling abandoned and rejected because, the Primal 'wound left me, a child, feeling some sense of loss I may never have understood.  Later, I adopted that abandonment and rejection as my whole identity.  it was not. 

Yes, I was rejected as a baby, and different kinds of rejections happened to me as a child.  Then, as a teen, I was, or felt I was, abandoned by boyfriends, by adults, and so on.  They knew nothing of my feelings of abandonment and the surrounding emotional effects of that first abandonment.  I spent a lot of time doing what others called, being over reactive/over emotional over what they perceived as small things.  My core believed I was not enough.  Somehow, I never got that the original wounding was not supposed to be a lifelong sense.  I am pretty old to come to this epiphany of sorts.  What other negative self-perceptions have I adopted?

I, of course, know I am not who I was as a baby, a child, a teen, a young adult.  But, that core belief of self, I never questioned.  Well, perhaps I did when I spent those two years writing the story of my life.  I questioned, but not deeply enough.  I had to really work on fact from fiction.  This last visit to my childhood home, as I said, had me question more.  Sometimes we might fantasize what our identity was and is and tried to tell a shining story of our childhood.  Childhood is where most fantasies begin.  Perhaps we did not accept just negatives.  Perhaps we made a more pleasing story of our story.  Perhaps our Self-identity is made up of both.  Perhaps we need to challenge some of our own stories.  This, then, will empower us to be more authentic.

As we spend some quality time peeling back the layers of who we think we are, we learn to question that inner voice (yes, that danged Evil Inner Witch/Ego) that is always criticizing us, talking us into false actions and reactions.  That Inner Voice makes us question everything but what we should question.  It chatters on and on and we enable it to do so.  The more we let it have its reins, the more it chatters.  It does not take a genius to figure out that how we treat ourselves, they way we let our inner voice talk to us, that that is exactly what we think of ourselves.  To enable the Inner Voice is to show ourselves that we are weak, vulnerable, and unable to cope with our real life experiences.  Perhaps it is a type of surrender, a way of not being responsible for our decisions, but who is going to say, "The Devil made me do it!"...wait, that is exactly what we might do and say.  It is a way of abdicating responsibility.  We are our own devil's advocate, our own dissuading being, our own wreck and ruin. 

If you find you are allowing your Evil Inner Witch to take over your thinking.  Stop, find a pad and pencil, and start writing down what she is saying. Let your EIW have rein and just write down every negative thing that is being thought/said.  When you are sure she has spent herself, then put the list away. turn some beloved music up, high, and go do something you really enjoy doing.  Make note that you left your EIW speaking wherever you put that list.  Come back to it later and then try and say them out loud.  Bet you can't.  You see, suddenly, the words are outside you.  Take some time to look at that list and figure out whose voice it belongs to in the real, and in the past.  Where did those words come from...  who made you feel liek they were about you?   Follow the thoughts on each phrases/word, until you can get to the root:  The key trigger.  Then, put the list back away and look at it again another day, another time.  Make sure you take note that those words/phrases are not inside you anymore.  They are outside.  They never did belong to you.  It was an outside interference.  You allowed someone's voice IN your head... now they are out.  Bit by bit, bring out the list, cross off the ones that you figured out.  And keep it far away from you until you get through them.  Sometimes you need close examination to disempower your EIW.

Once you have uncovered who the voices really belong to, it is easy to defuse their power.  After you know where they belong, and whom they belong to, you can begin to react more compassionately to self when that EIW starts up again. 

©Carol Desjarlais 7.20.19