Satisfaction Versus Happiness

"you have so much

but we are always hungry for more

stop looking up at everything you do not have

and look at everything you do

where satisfaction lives"

-the sun and her flowers - rupi kaur

Somewhere between memory and new happenings in our lives, is happiness.  As we age, it takes less to make us happy.  We tend to begin to know we want to have a happy ending rather than a sad, angry, depressed one. 

We have things that can have us feel depressed; you know, finances, living arrangements, health, losses...everyday normal things for our age.  We have wrinkles and sags and bags, weakening things, dribbling things, leaky eyes, forgetfulness and failing eyesight, stumbles, falls.  There are no end to things we have to deal with.  All we have that we can keep constant is our attitude towards it all.  Happiness, they say, increases our longevity.  But, wait, some of us do not want longer.  We feel done.  We are having a struggle to keep a positive attitude about future things when we already feel near crippled by our present.  We might forego happiness for just finding we are able to feel satisfied.  Perhaps we forego our past connotations of happiness and are really clamoring for satisfaction.  Perhaps we blink past unhappy things in order to focus more on the positive.  Perhaps we know that we do not have many happy years left, so we are satisfied with just simple pleasures.  I know I am refusing negativity as much as possible;  this includes criticisms, judgments, those who think I am too dumb to figure out things for myself ( i.e.:  this is bad for you... yadda yadda posts on Face book.  I am filtering better. 

One myth I have debunked for self, and probably others, is that Old Age is The Golden age... and we get happier with age.  I think we figure out more realistic goals and we are better at filtering out dark things.  Attitude:  It is all about attitude.  No one can make us feel anything we do not want to feel, even the thoughts of our Evil Inner Witch/Ego.  We should not expect what we expected in our earlier ages.  Hopefully, we have all matured beyond the teenaged year's mentality.  I think we adjust better once we realize that there will always be pain, aches, losses, etc.  And we know our body is wearing out.  What did we expect?  I think a main focus now, especially for me, is to maintain a good emotional balance. 

Emotional balance has a whole lot to do with expectations.  For instance, take sleeping changes.  If we are awake at 2 am, what is the difference?  There is no law about resting in the afternoon to re-gather our energy.  Do not just lay there and let your EIW do the thinking.  Get up, take a drink, do some research, watch a movie, whatever it takes to lull you back to rest.  We do not have to work at 8, 9, am.  We have options. 

And, as far as past stuff, well, there are things from the past that might need a reckoning day.  I have just moved into my month of mourning and longing.  Man Hands died on August 27, so for this month, I honor him.  I am more quiet.  I am honoring my feelings of loneliness for him, my sense of loss, my sense of everything about keeping myself in an honoring-sense of mind.  We should all look at death, if we are Christian, as a happy birthday elsewhere.  Yes, I am honoring my half-ness for I will never be who I was before August 27th.  I accept that.  So, in part, I am honoring my losses and in part I am honoring his life with me.  There is a dearness and a closeness felt in doing such.  I have no choice, right?  So, I adjust my thoughts when I am feeling pitiful and accepting what IS.  I walk a different walk on a different journey.

So, regain your footing.  Do things that satisfy you.  Make sure your satisfaction heights are realistic.  Change your idea about what you need, want, and what adventure might mean to you.  Rebuke past negatives.  Nothing in heaven or on earth will change any of it.  it is over.  Give it up and focus on building your attention attitude towards what can make you happy/satisfied.

Heartache Perspectives

what is stronger

then the human heart

which shatters over and over

and still lives

-"the sun and her flowers" - Rupi Kaur

Heartache makes you or breaks you.  You get to decide.  Well, kind of.  Maybe something deep within decides because my worst heartbreak was losing Man Hands.  I broke.  Yes, I now, I have written that before, but it was a profound event in my life.  I will never be the same.  Some wiring changed in my brain, I think.  Some synapses are not snapping.  I was crazy and insecure, vulnerable and felt violated by God.  Emotional pain takes its toll on body, mind, heart and soul.  I researched what grief/heartache does to the brain.  Here are some things I know, now:

Stress and acute emotions of grief, etc. make the brain move into hyper mode.  As the brain feels the acute emotional sense, it collaborates with the physical body and the brain, then, release more adrenalin and cortisol and this is why it feels difficult to breathe, and can have you feel nauseated.

The brain, body, mind and soul are all at war with the acute grief, etc.  You cannot think straight.  You cannot make decisions, because everything is haywire wired up there in your brain.  You cannot make choices and decisions.    You go a little bit, in my case, a whole lot, of craziness.  The closest we can come to this feelings is when recovering addicts are fresh off a drug or alcohol and they go through withdrawals.  The longer the relationship, the deeper the relationship, the more dopamine is released.  Then, to have that abruptly change, is crucifying.,  Believe me, I know that wounding well.  

When you are in the middle of all the hurt emotions, you begin making safe paths in case it happens again.  For a while, you will be ultra sensitive.  This is when the waves of grief return.  Perhaps the blessing of old age is that life makes us more resilient due to these paths that have been forged before.  Our perception changes from total breakdown to at least a little hope for we have been 'here' before.  Our subconscious remembers the paths we took to conquer our emotional wounds.  If we have worked through them, without crutches of any kind, there is more hope for our future woundings.  I guess we are being prepared.

Grief is an unconscious thing happening in the brain.  We may notice the effects, we might not realize how learning the lesson of the grief can help us when we need to go through it again.  Ride through it.  Gain the perspectives with each new grief so that when a bigger one comes along, or a similar one, we do not cloud one grief with another one from the past.  

This is not THAT one, this is a new one.  Perspectives can keep us in the Present and feel Present emotions not old one.  Tough but so.

©Carol Desjarlais 7.24.19

How to Feel At Home In Your Own Skin

“The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are– bald or old or fat or poor, successful or struggling- when you don't feel the need to apologize for anything or to deny anything. To be comfortable in your own skin is the beginning of strength.”
― Charles Handy

Do you realize what makes you unique?  It is your authentic soul.  If you do not feel at home in your own skin, then you may have abdicated your authenticity for something other than Soul-Self.  What is it about you that leaves a lasting impression on others?  Are we all cut-out paper dolls with different dresses?  Have we become so like others that we do not stand out?  I, for one, do not ever want to be the bleating sheep amongst other bleating sheep.  It is part of my identity to NOT blend in.  To even dress in a way common to most goes against my grain, my authentic self.

I had to learn to accept self, however self expressed itself.  Conformity was never part of who I have been.  I have something special to offer as a gift back to the world, to Creator.  I have developed a deeper sense of who I am, by not completely conforming, by being authentic.

Every decision we make must come from authentic self, not Ego self, not because you are conforming.  It can be difficult because in some ways we must conform to society, to culture, to certain other areas in our life.  It is a fine balance and to make the wisest decisions, we have to truly know who we are, what we absolutely need, where we want to be.  To be comfortable in your own skin, you have to develop stronger sense of authentic Self. When we are true to ourselves, we do not have to sweat making decisions.  I know I struggle with this.  I can break out in a sweat when I have to make decisions that are important to me.  I need my immediate actions and reactions to come from a strong sense of Self and who I am and where I want to be.  I need to have such a strong sense of self that my subconscious is allowing its authenticity.  My whole identity will be authentic so I do not need to sweat.

When we have trouble making deep connections with others, when we stumble and choose people to be around that are not worthy of us, when we are discouraged by others point of view about us, when we are being belittled or being badgered by others to be other than we are, we have to remember we are adult.  We need to develop relationships with those who see us as rare and beautiful soul.  We need to be around people who are not rebelling just to rebel against society, etc.  We need to be around those who have proven they can be trusted with our soul.  We need genuine people in our tribe.  We need people who encourage us to walk towards new possibilities no matter what the EIW says.  We need thriving people who help us thrive.  These kinds of people love even our skin.  They will feel like "HOME" to us because we feel at home to ourselves.

We will feel at home in our skin when we realize our worth.  Our inner thoughts of inadequacy and failure and being not enough, erodes sense of self.  I posted a gif yesterday about a butterfly not feeling guilt that it was a caterpillar.  Yes, we transform.  Yes, sometimes we fail sometimes we succeed.  Why do we focus on our failures?  Why do we focus on past self when we are no longer that person?  I am not that person I was a moment ago.  I am relearning how to deepen this new sense of self.  I broke August 27th, 2005.  I have been rebuilding myself since then, slowly but surely.  I know I had value before.  I know I have more value now that I have learned what not to pay attention to.  We reap what we sow, yes?  My confidence is building.  My self-confidence is building again.  I am grateful for so many more things.  I refuse to do things that overwhelm me, until I can gain control over self enough to do them.  Tiny steps, betimes.  I work hard on the thoughts, the actions, the reactions, to life and its events, so that I come from a positive frame of mind.  I am learning to shrug off criticisms that I should not own.  I, constantly, question what is right for me, what I need to change, and who I need to be in new situations.  I am weeding out the old weeds that kept me from thriving.  I am glorifying the events that happen that push me to thrive.  (i.e.:  my paternal families finding me in this great big world and how wonderful it feels to have contact with both maternal and paternal birth families.  What a blessing it is to my soul.)  I am offering my help with another adopted DNA cousin so he might find this wholeness as well.  It is, in valuing my worth that I become more worthy. I feel a purpose.  I know my part in that purpose.  I give back what I receive.  That is my worth...well, part of my sense of worthiness and worth.  

Knowing what is your inner self, your authentic self, puts your life in better balance and you can take the hard times, the times you don't succeed, into yourself and learn the lesson more easily.  People who are on the same path will be attracted to you.  Water finds its level. We are mostly water.  I can buy that thought.  When we are working on building our Inner connection to soul, we become more confident.  It will show.  You will be more willing to step out of your norm and begin growing soul more deeply.  Your path will be easier to discern.  You will make decisions based on authentic soulful self.  You will feel at home in your skin.  I wish you this, sister-friends.  I wish us all this!

©Carol Desjarlais 7.22.19

Our Inner Companion

1. Explore a deeper connection to your soul.
2. Live a more spiritual life.
3. Have a better understanding of your... journey.
4. Figure out your next step.
5. Discover where your  [thoughts]...come from.
6. Learn why your soul chose this life.

Soul Prompts: Finding and Hearing Your Inner Voice

by Morgan Dragonwillow

Our Inner Companion can be squelched by our mistrust of the negative Inner
Voice (Evil Inner Witch:  Ego).  We need to do some deep soul-searching to discern what voice is our soul and which voice is our Ego.  We have learned to question soul/intuition.  But we have let the EIW have reign with us.  We need to be compassionate with ourselves.  We have let our EIW simply knock us down, moment by moment.  We need to learn to listen only to the gentle voice of soul.

Yes, we have flaws.  Yes we have short comings.  But, rather than enable our negative thoughts, we need to empower our soul/intuition.  I am so tired of giving in to that negative voice.  Aren't you?  

How often have you contemplated why someone is the way they are?  I have long said I seek the WHY of someone's actions.  I was trained to do so.  My career was based on this.  Why do we not turn that on ourselves?  I have kept so busy that I do not have much time alone for that is when my EIW runs rampant.  What I needed to do was sit with myself and when a thought comes, follow that thread back to the original voice.  That voice was NOT my soul.  That voice belonged to someone else.  We should think of ourselves as our own best friend.  The EIW will absolutely throw a fit and fall in it and drag us with it, if we let it.  

One thing that has helped me find my authentic self, in the past, was being around people who were my kind of tribe.  As we age, we will be more and more isolated.  There is time enough for that.  While we can, we need to find ways to stay involved and find more of our tribe.  Look for positive people.  Look for people whose soul is a matured as your own.  Look for friends and develop your tribe, one person at a time until there is no room for loneliness and alone time for the EIW to thrive.  Find people who bring out your beautiful soul.  Find people who can help you drop your defenses.  Be around people who support your goal of knowing who you really are (not who your Ego would like you to be for its own purposes).  The more positive soulful people we are around, the more we will learn, and be supported in, finding our own inner companion that will hold us through the last long years.

We know who is judgmental and negative to and for us.  We know who supports and encourages us towards deeper soul meanings.  We know who is aware of our personal strengths and who knows us so well that they help us to develop a deeper understanding of Self.  At some point, when we do connect deeply with our own soul/soul companion, we will no longer be victimized by our own decisions and thoughts, we will no longer be vulnerable to people who would tear us down, and we would no longer be and feel helpless in critical decision-making.  

Oh, Ego will rebel the moment you try to make changes to your own attitude about self.  It will have us feel like no one can be trusted...let alone our own self.  It will whisper  all sorts of negative things to you as you turn your ear away from EIW.  Yes, there will be resistance.  But, are we not stronger than that negative inner voice?  Of course we are.  We choose which voice to listen to.  

When we empower our Inner Companion, that is soul, we will build our soulful intuition.  We need to look at our childhood and understand what we took in and made part of our identity.  We were too young to perceive with wise eyes of an adult and there were circumstances that were forced on us.  The more vulnerable we were as a child, if we do not sort these things out, as an adult, then we will remain in a child's ideology of our own power.  Are we still trying to prove ourselves worthy because, as a child, we had something happen that made us feel unworthy?  Do we have to carry that on as adults when , now, we have discernment of an adult?  Are we afraid to trust, to risk, to take a stand because our EIW was made so strong that it thinks it is in control?  It/EIW/Negative Inner Voice is only able to have any control we allow it to have. 

It is never selfish of us to make soulful decisions that mean that we are choosing what is best for our soul.  We need to seek our own authentic self.  There is nothing more authentic than our soul.  Ego is not authentic.  It is past.  It is still a temper-tantrum-throwing child.  Our Inner companion needs strengthening because we have a long haul here as we climb that last mountain.  We need to seek what makes us feel whole, healthy, loving, serving women.  As we strengthen our Inner Companion, we will never ever feel alone.  

©Carol Desjarlais 7.21.19