"Where is my beautiful girl... gone girl!"
Few of us have been spared the complications of Addictions
in our family and friends. It is a
horrible affliction. Grandparents are
involved. Parents are involved. Siblings are involved. Friends are involved. Culture is involved. We need to educate ourselves on what the
Addictive qualities are. Understanding
and being informed can help alleviate the grief, the anger, the indecisions. We have a long way to go to truly understand
it all.
There is a great deal of controversy about whether addiction
is a mental disease or biological factors.
It is a known fact that use changes the brain so that it needs whatever
the drug or alcohol. If we think it is a
disease, we have to admit that it was a choice to use. Then, over time, there are neurobiological
changes so that the brain adapts to need to function: Cravings, distress and relapse. It is then that choice is overridden and
willpower to change gets more and more difficult.
We see generations after generation making that first move
into addiction. They say genes represent
50% of addiction. That is a scary
thing. We have to safeguard our children,
our next generation. We have to find
ways to give them euphoria and joy in healthy ways so that they do not need
altered emotions. I have long said, to
clients, groups, classes, that they need to feel emotions in the raw and real
in order to stay real. I have heard many
addicts say they want to remove the masks that come from addiction but they do
not know who the real person is under it all.
Some have said they have to hurt others so that they get hurt back
because it is the only emotion left that they feel. That is terrifying and many of us have
experienced that.
Through my career, and all the paper behind my
qualifications,a nd my mothering an addict, I learned some things:
Physical:
Their addiction causes stress on addict and all those around
him/her. They have poor sleeping habits and will call or visit at strange times
in the night. They tend to be physically
inactive and not eat healthily. They,
very often, are involved in physical violence and can also be involved in sexual
abuse. If we are aware, there is often
family violence they begin or exacerbate.
Intellectual:
Because they have so much going on because of the drive to
get addicted, they do not have time to think things through. They can be impulsive and resistant more than
is common. There problem-solving skills
get worse and worse. They tend to be
drop-outs in education. They are passive
learners in that they will resist any new educational ideas. They resist those who have higher
education. They will deride those that
have higher education. They tend to
believe conspiracies. They tend to have
poor planning skills. They fear choices.
Emotional:
Most addicts have unresolved grief issues. They have low self-esteem and will either
show too much bravado or are too passive and are blocked. When they show emotion it is typically overwhelming
to them so they tend to have little gray area between emotions. They feel overwhelming shame although, again,
will cover with bravado or are evidently depressed because of it. Because they are not honest with their
emotions, they tend to be dishonest. The
do not trust other people, places and things.
They just are not connected to their feelings. They tend to focus on past failings and
perceived past failings of others.
Spiritual:
Because anger is the easiest emotion to show, they will tend
to be angry at God. They can be confused
about the differences of religion and spirituality. They tend to be culturally unaware. They do not feel worthy. The hugest th8ung of all is that they know
fear of so many different kinds.
Social:
They are easily led to the things that keep them
addicted. They are drawn to addictive relationships. They may seek strong partners but then tend
to attempt to tear them down:
Co-dependency traits. They tend to be egocentric and lack social skills
as they advance more and more into their addiction. Their ability to communicate also becomes
more and more self-centered. Bit by bit they lose their social supports and are
more and more alienated and become fringe people.
So, what can we do with those loved ones who spiral out and
away from us?
It took me some years and lots of education, but I learned I
had to tough love it. I had to learn to
let go and let them make their choices.
I could not save any of them.
That is Creator's job, not mine. I
raised seven children. My middle one has
broken my heart. I wait for the phone
call that tells me she has been killed on the streets. I cannot chase her. Once a run-away and you chase after them, it
can become a syndrome as well. I had to
let her have her own way. I had to set
really strong boundaries and it nearly killed me to make sure I stuck with
it. She has drawn away further and
further. I could no longer enable
her. She gave away her six children for
drugs and alcohol. She has had treatment
after treatment. I stood, and will
always stand up for her, when she is clean and sober. She knows that I love her but cannot love her
addiction. She knows I will come at the
first call but also has had to earn she could not phone me drunk or high. I saw her, two years ago. She could not go fifteen minutes without
smoking crack downstairs. She finally
brought it upstairs and said I might as well see what she does. I stayed until she became her angry, illogical,
self, left my new number and said to call me when she could be clean. I wept.
She wept. But, I could do no
more. I keep track of her through her
oldest son and through her ex-husband who has raised the kids. I keep track of her through my youngest
daughter who runs into her maternal relatives now and again. I ache for her so often. I am sure she aches for me as well. Funny I could help others save themselves,
but not her. That is the way of it. She has different genes than I do. She was a gift to me from her maternal
grandmother and my friend. She is still
my gift. She taught me about tough love
and boy does that one hurt. Sometimes
they have to save themselves before we can ever support them again. She has taught me about a mother's heartbreak
in a whole other way. I continue to wait
for her call or for that alternative that will crucify me.
May Creator watch over them and the way they choose to live.
Aho!
©Carol Desjarlais 11.27.18
