Fall Regrets

 

 

“…three different “perceptions of self” exist in the psyche: our actual self, our ought self, and our ideal self.  Regret is typically based on the degree to which your ideal self (the person you dreamed of becoming — what you believe you COULD BE) diverges from your actual self (the person you are in reality).  The ought self (the person you feel you SHOULD BE based on your family history, personal values, religious beliefs, etc.) is responsible for regret that occurs when the actions you have taken conflict with your own moral values.  Moreover, since many people develop an ideal self that is greatly exaggerated and unrealistic, self-loathing due to what has not been achieved is not uncommon.” – Davidai and Gilovich

One could spend every waking hour dreaming up things to regret.  As we slip into early fall, nights threatening to steal our breathed prayers, we begin to enter the season of the West, the season of denning in, the season of meditation.  It is the season that could be filled with regrets if we allow that.  Yes, Fall is the season to complete unfinished business and resolutions.  Yes, it is time to gather and grind and make great loaves of bread.  We all have things we wish had happened, wished we had made better decisions on, wished… 24 hours-a-day wishing things we wished.  At some point, we simply have to accept tat things are as they should be.  It is what it is.  Fall is a time for gratitude.  I could spend 24 hours a day being grateful for the many things, people, places, in my life. 

Regret is self-judgement, self-blame, self-shame.  It is said that we are more prone to regret things in the recent past because things we might have regretted, in the distant past, seem to have come to their own resolutions.  I had to sit with that statement for a bit.  It is true. 

There are some things we can regret that urge us to change paths, to not do that again, to circle back and make right.  Allowing ourselves to fall into the pit of despair over a missed change, a misplace word, a misconstrued conversation, and, women, being FIXERS, can always find something to regret.  People pleasers can always find something to regret.  We forget that we do not get re-dos. What is, is.  What was, was, and we need to gather up our big girl panties and get on with making things better, making sure we do not do it again, and being kind to ourselves for perceived mistakes. 

We have to surrender to our life of the past.  What happened a moment ago is there and stays there, our perception of ourselves must accept that it was what it was and we did what we did because we knew no better.  At that point, we begin to stop living what we thought was an ideal life and simply be who we are.  We learn from every regret.  Regrets are part of survival, I think, because we learn from them.  Of course, regrets “we’ve had a few”, but they no longer define us the moment we realize that we can accept what happened, what choices we made, what experiences we experienced, and move on.

Fall reminds us of such. 

 

Early Fall -

Spell-bound season is stunned
by cool-shoulder slip of autumn
and leaves turn to cradle
what they have worked so hard for

gourds, snuggled between warm cradle
and flowered wallpaper
nestle into warm earth
and wait out morning’s coffee-rise

she takes her cup out on to cedar deck,
watches her breath stream sweet
as she whispers to them,
as if they were children, under sweatered watch

he, un-racking the hoe, curves edge
against borders, to keep them from falling
out of bed too early

© Aug 2007, Carol Desjarlais  

©Carol Desjarlais 9.1.24

 

Conflict Avoidance and Heartfelt Resolutions

 

 

Those of us who have abandonment issues, (given away by birth mother, for instance), could very well have conflict avoidance issues.  It is exhausting to make sure that everyone loves us.  We condition ourselves to fear such things as rejection, so we fear conflict out of fear of being rejected.  When we fear conflict, it could be because our deepest first wound might be one sensed as abandonment or rejection. 

I know a family where the parents worked from dawn to midnight and the kids rattled around in life on their own.  The parents feared conflict with the children and so did everything but turn themselves inside out trying to appease them, to make up for not being there, and absolutely gave them everything rather than have the kids create the chaos of conflict.  Those children are adults who are still being appeased at great cost.  It is a classic case of conflict avoidance.

Relationships are tough at best of times.  But parents, themselves, can feel vulnerable.  Some adult women remain vulnerable when there are these issues.  They might feel like they are constantly “goal-keeping” around any conflict that might arise.  The type of person who avoids conflict is, typically, a people pleaser, peace-maker, isolationist, poor communicator, passive-aggressive, the ever-humorist, perfectionist, anxious.  There, it is said.  I could be all of those at different times.  I, too, have some conflict issues, to be sure, that I work on constantly.  It is strange to me that I could be a type A personality, gregarious, opinionated, and strict self-boundary-maker, and still be avoiding conflict.  Ah, but there is the rub.  I crave being “the nice woman” to the 9^th degree.  I guess I will spend every day of the rest of my life being a conflict avoiding person if I do not get this sorted.

We can actually possess coping skills around conflict-resolution but our people-pleasing in close relationships can be a whole other problem to deal with.  We can be totally aware that confrontation is evidenced in every day living, but, sometimes, we would rather walk away, leaving the conflict unresolved.  We can get a headache, a stomach ache, a flu bug, anything rather than do so.  We may find being isolationists easier than trying to meet others’ needs to pacify them.  We are also, or can be, guilty-ridden people because we are in conflict in the first place.  Oh, I know this woman well, as well. 

This kind of woman is a great caretaker, will close off our own needs, rather than cause any conflict.  We are nurturers.  They are understanding.  They are empathic.   We accommodate others.  We do not say “NO!” easily.  Some avoid any emotional responses to others because emotions are just too difficult to manage.  When suddenly confronted with a conflictive issue, their reaction might be totally out of character and they tend to verbally vomit all over everyone and then think all is fixed, or they walk away and do not defend themselves at all and spend days, weeks, months, trying to figure out what happened.  We can become emotionally exhausted easily. 

You know, sometimes conflict is necessary and as we mature, we should develop better and better skills at resolutions.  I have been working on personal conflict resolution for these last couple of years.  I have shared my feelings around a conflictive topic and set my boundaries, clearly, so that I know when to five in and try to communicate a resolution, or, I have learned there are times when walking away is simply the best for all parties.  How important is the person, in reality;  the topic, in reality, the incident, really?  I have, timidly, begun to say “no” to things I just simply cannot do, to things I simply cannot accept.  Baby steps.  And, it can be, actually, terrifying.  Handling people, places, things in conflict and remain quiet, is really really hard.  But, remembering politeness surely would help.   I then have to confront myself bout boundary-setting and the anxiety that causes.  I try not to script, in other words, expect confrontation when I speak up.  (Those deadly “what ifs”.  I have learned the benefits of “pausing”….think before speaking or acting. 

Am I getting the best control of self…no, but I am truly trying.  Speaking up is, perhaps a generational thing where those of my generation were taught, and conditioned, not to speak out. We might have been called “aggressive” instead of “assertive”.  I am learning that I do not need to try and force others to see from my point of view and that there is a way to get people to listen to my ideas/opinion.  I am learning that it is okay to allow people to disagree with me.  I am learning that, during that pause I take, to consider their perspective, and understand how truly they value their own opinion and so, if I value mine, they should be allowed to value theirs.  I refuse to take all the blame and stop nitpicking looking for others to blame.  Confrontation is a common thing.  How we deal with confrontation is who we truly are.  I am learning to be accountable for who I am.  Sometimes “I am woman, hear me roar”!  As we seek to change ourselves, our thoughts and actions, how we value people, how we value what we believe, we are sending ripples of change out into the ether.  Is it going to be easy?  No.  And every day we have to work at improving ourselves and learning better and better coping skills with just about everything, in my case. 

Caring for self, and others we love, means that we must love from a deep and honest way and that also means forging deeper, healthier, ways with coping with conflict because in every relationship there comes, or has potential to come, conflict.   Resolve to make resolutions.   

©Carol Desjarlais 8.30.24

 

 

Prayer and Meditation With Sage Smudge

 

 

This is what I have been taught:

So many different nations are using sacred medicines, but, perhaps, in the wrong way.  While using our medicines as simple incense is really appropriation.  It can be used if you use it the right way. 

The sage must be gathered in a certain way.  Offerings must be given.  If you buy it, it means that you must smudge it all first before it is used, praying hard to bless it and given honor to Creator and Mother Earth for such medicine. Then you express gratitude for it, for the hands that picked it, and ask that it favor you with what blessing you need from it.  You do not walk away from it until it is completely burned.  At the end, give thanks, again, and end with a closing phrase.  Some say “Hii hii”, some say” aho’, or some closure in their language, some place their right hand over their heart and give silent closure.  The ashes are taken out to Mother earth and another prayer of thanks and the smudge ashes are placed in Mother Earth. 

Smudging has a certain way to be started and used the appropriate way.  Only use as much sage as you can roll into a ball shape or a clutch of sage plant gathered and wound with thread, etc.  A pinch of sage is taken from the ball-shape and offered to the four directions, above and below, with prayer of gratitude to Creator and Mother Earth for the medicine and light with a match (not lighter) or ember from a fire.  Then it can be lit.  Never blow on the smudge.  Use a feather to fan the embers started in the sage.  Remembering every moment that, when you smudge, you are communing with Creator and it is very very sacred. 

One uses the sage to give a ritualistic body wash of smoke.  Again, different tribes may do it a different way.  I was taught to wash myself in smoke from top of head to feet, including underneath the feet.  The smudge is then drawn to the eyes that they might see what they should see, to the nose that one might sense what one must sense, smudge drawn to the mouth that one might speak the words that must be spoken, the smudge is drawn to the ears that one might hear what one must hear, and then smoke is drawn to the heart and a closing phrase. 

Educate yourself in the use of sage and the best way to do that is to ask an elder how they would suggest you use it.  Remember to give an offering of tobacco to the Elder before you ask any question.

Once you start the smudge, surrender to the process and your heart and soul will help you know what to say and ask.  There is no negativity around the smudge.  Be kind, compassionate, and loving towards yourself. As you sit before the smudge, after gratitude to all things, be absolutely Present and simply be at one with the smudge, in deep mediation.  Once the smudge is out, on its own, you can close.  The smudge must be taken, as I have said, out and given back to Mother Earth with the same prayerful way as I said about collecting it.  It is a sacred activity and you come out of the smudging in a sacred way.

The ritual is sacred and aged as smudge was done since the beginning of time. It was used to bless, to seek solace, to strengthen relationships in a truly sacred way.  Being in the smudge is being in a place of healing and renewal where the chattering inside your head is soothed and quietened.  It is truth that sage has antibacterial properties that can keep infectious bacteria, viruses and fungi away.  It is cleansing; body, mind, heart and soul.  Sage smudge has been used to clear spirit and heighten intuition.  It cleanses and it heals.  It helps to clear negativity around childhood trauma, unpleasant experiences and clear negative energies of people or things around you. 

Many of us use smudge to cleanse things we bring into our home such as second-hand things or new tools, such as that I smudge my canvases or papers or objects I am going to work with when I am doing a painting or creation that I consider sacred. 

Many of us smudge to cleanse our emotions, to remove stresses and anxiety, change negative moods, and eliminate pain.  It can clarify thoughts when we are unsure of something.  It can help with our sleeping habits that keep us from getting restorative rest. 

The tools you need for burning sage are a sage bundle or loose sage you can scrunch into a ball shape. A natural bowl.  In other words, a clay saucer, a shell, something natural to hold the burning smudge and ashes.  Matches.  Feather(s) to fan the smudge with to create smoke.  Any type of sage or sage bundle. 

For cleansing self, do it privately.  To cleanse a house, smoke windows doors, etc., as well.    Make sure you leave a window open or a door cracked to let smoke, and what it carries, out.   Walk with smoking smudge and walk clockwise through house.  Some tribes do walk counterclockwise.  Do as you intuit.  If cleansing an object, completely smoke the whole object. 

After the smudge is done, make sure it is completely out…do not use water or blow on it to make it go out...let it finish on its own.  If using a bundle, daub it on the container to make sure it is completely out.  Make sure everything is out before you store the sage in a dry place.  Take the ashes out and give it back to Mother Earth, and give an offering of gratitude. 

Smudging is a ritual, a ceremony, sacred.  Treat it with utmost respect.   It will bless you, yours and your things, if done properly. 

©Carol Desjarlais 8.26.24