It would be so easy to simply set our sails for a safe harbor and stay there, but, eventually, we would become restless and in need to sail on. It is as if something calls us to move, to continue on full of life in full life. Trust and Risk I life is huge. I am sure we have all had issues in our lifetime that scuttled our ability to trust, to risk. I have sat on the shore for way to long, betimes, and knew that I needed to move, to change, but I felt that too many “ifs” waited on the next horizon.
In this pandemic, we realize, finally, how vulnerable we are to the disease, to others, and we tend to withdraw, not because isolation is mandatory, but because it means our very safe life to do so. For some, who are introverted, in the first place, it may feel like a relief. For those of us who are extrovert, we feel it full on. It is a storm that rises and moves towards us, and we are on our own to find a way to stay safe.
Life has always been a risk. We have trusted and been betrayed. We have met storms we had no warning of. Life, itself, has rocked our boat. Have |I truly learned when to give in, to trust, to rise and paddle on? How much growth have I scuttled by not taking the risk, not seeking new truths, new ways, new paths?
How many times have I girded up my bravery and taken that next route? I tend to attend to life like I attend to taking a risk when there is a beautiful slow body of water inviting me to jump in. I stand at the shore. I test the temperature. I know I am going to swim but I take my time. I wade in a bit, then return to shore. Then, suddenly, a burst of risk hits me and I simply dive in and am hit with the cold mountain stream’s force and it feels invigorating. It is invigorating, not simply because it feels good. It is invigorating because I still dare to risk that sudden plunge. I think that is an analogy of my life choices and actions.
Sometimes it is so pure to risk, to trust. Sometimes it is spontaneous. Some will test the water and walk away. Some will approach their fears and know them and then dare to risk or trust. It is then we live life to the fullest.
Yes, we will be let down a thousand thousand times. Yes, people, places and things will let us down. Yes, some times we make unwise choices but the important thing is that we made them and the lesson is there for us to learn.
I learned a great deal this Spring. It hurt like a beggar. I trusted. I took a risk full of good intentions. I was betrayed and I suffered greatly for it. I had negative thoughts but fought them because I wanted to let the hurt wash over me so I learned the lesson well. I wanted to defend myself. I held myself back. It resolved itself. I am numb to that person. I feel nothing after all these months. I am a pleaser so it was hard not to try to “fix it” for her, for the third party, for myself. I realized I needed to trust myself and so I did nothing. I stood at a far shore and waited for the storm to pass. It was the wisest choice I could have made. I trust myself more, now. I am, again, willing to trust others. I have made new friends. I am ore on guard, yes, but I still am willing to be vulnerable and honest about my own story and know where boundaries need to be no matter how well I might know someone, no matter how intimate our conversations, no matter how others might react to my truths. Somehow, I am more me, more risk-taking, more trusting in myself and learning the lesson of risk and trust is huge. I refuse to stagnate in a rotten pond. I have learned to move on with grace and dignity.
I wish you this.
©Carol Desjarlais 8.17.20
No comments:
Post a Comment