“Yeah, I will do it later…”

 

 

I tell my friends that are healing/in recovery and have ‘fallen-off-the-wagon”, to get up, dust themselves off, and give themselves credit for the number of hours/days/weeks/months they were clean and sober and try for one day/ week/month more than before.  As I considered this, I realize I need to use my time-worn phrase on myself.  I am a procrastinator.  “Yeah, I will do it later…” means, I am probably not going to.  Or, not do it until it is too late to change it.  My insulin/diet/sugar cravings/taking blood sugar levels/documenting is all part of this. What happened to “super-organized” person I used to be?

I have begun my mornings by putting out things to remind me what I meant to do.  My pledge, a canvas with a hole in it, food saver bags so I divide the huge block of Costco wieners we got so I can sperate them and seal them, the butter container so I remember to refill it, some peppers to freeze, and I will add as I think of it.  I do not allow myself to take them off the island counter top until they are done.  Wonder how long some will sit there? But, I did dust and mop through the whole house with my new swifter spray mopper.  Lol.  I am betting the canvas with a hole in it gets done though.  I am selective… new word for procrastination… with what I might do.  Lol  Oh, yes, have done two loads of laundry.  Now to remember to listen for buzzer that demands I finish that task. 

In the meantime, …  I might remember to take my meds.  I do check my daily calendar for stuff I really need to do.  Oh, and every time I open the fridge, I do a clean sweep of what is up front on the shelves and I either use it for lunch and/or dinner or chuck it.  Oh, and when I remember, I put a jar on the counter to make sure I water my plants.  My priorities changed, actually, disappeared.  I do what absolutely needs doing and let the rest slide... there is always a tomorrow. 

Those of you who know me know I am a whirlwind of energy…ok, well, I used to be.  Now, I do the minimum and clean a pathway to the couch so I can get there.  I am watching Bridgerton for the third time and I am watching Downton Abbey, for the third time, as if that was on my list to begin with.  It is not that I am not motivated, I just “don’twanna”.  And, I do not feel guilty.  It just takes one visitor calling to say they are coming over, for me to become a whirlwind again.

Procrastination is, or can be, a way to overcome stress.  I get tired, easily, and/or it could be that I am maligning.  Lol.  I used to be so organized that my seven kids each had different coordinating color of towel, bedsheets, toy boxes; I had a card system to make sure everything was clean all the time; I even booked in cards that reminded me to go on a weekly date with each kid.  Ah, I think I wore my “do it” out.

My bucket list got as far as the bucket.  My goals became just daily ones.  I do whatever to keep boredom away. And I art.  Oh, yes, I do do that every morning.  I do set 10 am as the time to get everything done so I do not have anything “to do” in the afternoons because I learned the love of an afternoon nap. 

Trouble is, when I have spare time, I start thinking about serious things, like what to do about the wrinkles, and where did my eyelashes go, and then I do nothing about it.  I am not into breaking any cycles.  I quite enjoy procrastination. 

I have a book on my coffee table.  No longer do I speed read through a book in a day and look for another.  The book might get read within the month.  Oh, I am reading, “The Further Observations of Lady Whistledown”, written by three different authors.  Another Bridgerton spinoff.  Oh, and I really want to bake a new bread recipe but it is still too hot to bake bread.  And I would make a new dessert but the last one is sitting dangerously in the front part of my fridge and I am controlling how much of it I eat, and no one is coming to visit so it is mine alllll mine. 

I guess I am letting go of my perfectionist controlling issues.  I am so in control that I actually do put stuff on my island counter top and consider that a job done.  It really should be a list in my head that is stamped “maybe list” and it is okay.  I refuse to feel guilty, shameful, etc. and as I type this, I look at my art table and think it needs straightening. or…. I could pull out that canvas with a hole in it… yeah, I could.

©Carol Desjarlais 9.3.24