There is not a person alive that has not faced negativity in their life. I can tell that it would be easy to feel depressed and stressed if we are wont to focus on the negativity of aging. I look at the twenty – thirty-forty-fifty-year-olds with a bit of “just you wait” as they pontify ever-so-wise phrases and post ‘smh’ memes about being only as old as you feel. We know we are old and told. Our bodies are wearing out, we are forgetting stuff, we are dropping/misplacing things, and we walk with a little wider stance to keep our balance. We can be overly positive, we can be simply more positive, or we can be negative, or we can be seriously focusing on the dying process. Some of us get it: We were born to die, as with all earthly things. It does not mean we can not find enjoyment, entertainment, be productive, and find alternative activities to do that make our life still have great meaning.
Pain triggers a sense of vulnerability and desperation and our moods might fluctuate with such. Drama around us can be deridingly a trigger for negativity. Not healing our past can cause some to be bitter and malcontent. I find that I cannot cope with drama and chaos any more. I withdraw. I am caretaking myself.
I see things differently than I used to. I am still compassionate and understanding, but I do not try to be the “ever-fixer”. I refuse to defend myself. I am enough and woe be it to any who choose to think less of me. They are the unhappy ones. I am learning to divorce myself from others’ problems. I have feeling, a frame of mind, that everyone is where they are supposed to be by their own choices.
I find I am more in tune to things I might have missed when I was busy busy busy. Small things give me a sense of gratitude. This last full moon, that I stood under in 2015, sorrowing as hard as I have ever sorrowed, now brings me great succor. I wonder at the darning needles that fly at night. I hold my breath as I see a hummingbird moth hovering over my last blooms in the garden. I do not fret over waking up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep. I am grateful for night things. I am not even ‘practicing’ gratitude. I am full of gratitude. It could all be worse.
I have family, friends who support me. It is not easy for me to seek support but I am learning to let go of things easier when I know there are people who love me. I know which doctors to go to. I know who give great counsel. I know my limitations. I seek out like-minded people. Support is imperative. I am surrounding myself with people who are positive, have great sense of humor, and are still seeing life as some kind of adventure.
I am learning to celebrate my own achievements. My sense of achievement has even changed. I celebrate that I remembered to take my pills. I celebrate my ability to put my pants and shoes on without pirouetting. I celebrate that I got my house all tidied up by 10 am so I can reward myself by doing art. I celebrate that I slept all night. I celebrate that I watered my flowers. Little things are big things now. I am grateful to be able to do what I do.
I am, seriously, looking for the bright side of things and know nothing lats forever and that there is always at least two sides to every story. I accept that I might have a mood swing and no longer blame others or other things. Sometimes you just feel sad, angry, and that is okay. I can even allow myself to cry when I feel the need. That is huge.
When life is the pits, I put one foot in front of the other, try not to react, but to act. Stepping back is not giving in. surrender is not a dirty word. In all things there is a lesson or two and I delve into things and try to figure out the lesson and learn from it all. I am compassionate, understanding and patient with myself, never mind all the other people, places, things. If I practice self-care, I feel good. I might buy a new lipstick or foundation or eyeliner and never give up on these dratted wrinkles and dimples and dry skin episodes. Little things mean a lot. At least I am trying.
A win is a win no matter how small. I cannot control the weather but I can control what I do during a storm. I keep a Blessing journal and when things get tough, I create expressions around the blessing of the lessons rather than create expression of the storm. I try to keep busy when the energy is there and enjoy the rest when I cannot. Am I doing it all perfectly? Heck no! I will always be a try-hard. But I refuse to throw shade on anyone else because I am in the mist of a storm. I step back, feel as miserable as I feel necessary, and then step out of the shadows and smile and nod and play nice.
©Carol Desjarlais 9.3.24
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