You might be sharing one-on-one. You might be in a sharing circle. It is very important to verbalize our experiences
of trauma, but there can be too much sharing. Know the boundaries.
It is painful and takes courage to share a traumatic experience. To NOT share is allows it to sit in our memories and haunt us, trigger us, and the more we try to push the memories away, the more pronounced they become. Not sharing reinforces the sense of guilt or shame we have attached to that memory. One of the reasons we do not share is because we do not want to sense that the listener(s) will think less of us. Since we are hypersensitive around the trauma, we will be hypersensitive about the reaction of those we share it with. As well, we script that a listener might criticize us in some way and it can cause us to not have the courage to tell anything at all, which is a much worse tragedy.
A positive about sharing is that we take away the emotional power of the traumatic event. It loses its power to become part of our identification of who we are. We are not our trauma. We are not weak because we experienced trauma. We can, as we share, begin to get a sense of the reality of the trauma in that we will be less self-critical about it. We can get a sense of compassion for ourselves and compassion can become the main focus rather than the trauma. We extinguish the triggering effect of memories and/or flashbacks. It loss it raw intensity.
Sharing our trauma story may be coming from a sense of being broken, unfixable, forever damaged. In sharing, we can find our stories of courage, bravery, our ‘warrioress’ identity, our strengths.
As we share, our memory(ies) of the traumatic event(s) will be more connected, rather than disconnected. See, we may disassociate part of Self in order to dal with the trauma and as we begin to share our experience(s), it becomes more organized, more processed. We begin to see the tory(is) as having a beginning, a middle, and an end, rather than flash of memory in a disorganized manner. For instance, I have a memory of chicken-shit dust dancing on the sunshine peaking through a hole in the roof of the tiny chicken coop. That is my main visual, not the trauma itself. As I have healed, that visual is still there, but I have been able to go through the whole memory, not just that. And, although it may be a senseless event, we can begin to make sense of it, as an observer, rather than as a victim. We begin to make connections of our reactions, who we are, because of that trauma. I came to see my trauma as a gift because decades later, in my career, I found that clients did not always have to find the exact words to express what happened to them. There is like a secret set of codes, of language, (body language, etc.) that happens and a survivor can read that. I could stand in front of a whole group of children, or women, and I could rea tat secret set of codes and know “that one” and “that one”. I was capable of being a better professional because of the gift. It helped me be a gift to them. Telling your story can be a gift to others. It helps them not feel alone. It helps them find the gift in their experiences.
We all need to remember that, if we re experiencing PTSD, depression, anxiety re: The Incident(s), that not talking about them does not make it go away. It makes the experience have more power and those issues that we have are a result of embedded memories. Those Issues create other issues. I have been otld that my birth father drank himself to death when he could not find us to take us away from our mother. I am judging here, but I believe, he thought to erase his leaving his first family – simply walked away from them. I believe he thought that finding us and caring for us might erase the negative resulting shame and guilt, somehow. I get that. Do I do what I do, and what is it I do, to erase what I feel is something shameful or guilt-ridden in memory? And then I consider, if I can see what is not needed to be spoken, how many others see in me what I have not expressed? Deep thoughts, now, even now…
When we share, we must be sure that the audience/listener is going to be validating, be understanding, be compassionate in our telling of our trauma story. I am well aware, now, that I have one friend I cannot share with. I do not know if she is somehow jealous of my strengths or whether she is trying to deny some of her own trauma, but nonetheless, I must not tell her. It does not mean I will never tell her. It just means that now is not the time because I sense her struggling. Being careful about when, where, why of the telling, is crucial to our own well-being.
Timing is also important. It may take time before you're at the point where you're able to put the trauma into words. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that "not now" doesn't have to mean "never." Again, you get to decide when, where, and how you tell your story, which is a crucial part of owning the events of your life. Having two emotionally upset people does not help. One must be able to listen without judgement and we need to be sensitive to that.
And, oversharing is not helpful for anyone. Sharing can be empowering and freeing, but oversharing is a sign of unhealed trauma. If someone overshares with you, know that I might be a cry for help because there has been no healing. As a listener, this can be very uncomfortable and can lead to listener’s anxiety. When we tell our trauma story, we have to be aware that we must not put too much detail in the story. Too much detail can implant our emotional responses to them and their story(ies). Do not tell so much of the story that you place your trauma on the listener.
We all have had traumas. Knowing when, where, why and how to tell our story is crucial to us and to our listener(s). There is a time and place for all things. Make sure you are healed enough to know the boundaries before you, impulsively, share. I send you love and light in your knowing.
©Carol Desjarlais 1.11.24
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