Monday, January 15, 2024

For No Other Reason, But For This

 

 


“I believe in strong women. I believe in the woman who is able to stand up for herself. I believe in the woman who doesn't need to hide behind her husband's back. I believe that if you have problems, as a woman you deal with them, you don't play victim, you don't make yourself look pitiful, you don't point fingers. You stand and you deal. You face the world with a head held high and you carry the universe in your heart.”
C. JoyBell C.

I am fiercely independent, yet, I do not always want to be so.  I am brave and strong, or have been, and, as I age, I find that I am feeling vulnerable, weak, and in need of others to strengthen me.  Although, I be that, I will always stand up and face whatever life hands me.  I have been through the fire and come out of it, not unscathed, not unwounded, but standing in the ash of that fire with my fist raised and a sense of wonderment in that I have lived to tell the tale.  I am full of pride, but have been humbled and am willing to sacrifice that pride in order too not compete.  Perhaps that has been the hardest of all.

Once, I expected respect from the disrespectful and was further disrespected.  I have even disrespected myself.  There is a sense that, with all I have gone through, with all I have succeeded in, that there ought to be respect.  Even my age ought to be respected.  And, yet, there is so little respect for much in these chaotic rough days down here on this hard earth.   So many women have joined the competition of Patriarchy’s way.  They are like crabs in a bucket that see one succeeding in some way and their whole goal in life is to pull them down.  I have been sensitive to this.

My father used to say that my mouth would always get me into trouble.  How insulting I thought that was.  How right he was.  I grew up being in defensive mode.  I did not respect authority that showed me that they did not deserve respect.  I ha authority figures wound me.  My defensiveness became foolhardy.  I defended myself when I did not deserve to defend.  I have been far from perfect.  And, as a perfectionist, I would suffer greatly because I could not be perfect. 

I have fought battles I knew I could not win, but took inner strength in my lack of defense for doing so.  I have stood up for those I saw weak.  I have lost respect for those who fight battles just to fight battles.  I have come out of the fray war torn and broken-hearted, but have silently walked away from those I dearly loved who have betrayed me.  When I was a child and a young adult, I had a recurring dream of being in some kind of war and being betrayed by someone I loved.  I have lived long enough to have had this come true so many times.  I have trusted those I should not have trusted.  But rather than fight for my right to be right, I have turned and allowed them to feel right and I have walked away.  The fray changed me.  I am more withdrawn and am finding a new kind of self-respect in doing so.  Battles within myself have been the most bitter. 

Those who know me well, know that, if I get silent, I am best left alone until I work through whatever it is I am struggling with.  I can get angry, but my anger only lasts as long as it takes me to deal with it and it does not last long.  I can clean house like a dervish when I am struggling with something.  And, when I am hurt, deeply, I like walking in the rain:

“She loves walking in the rain,

Can’t tell the raindrops from the paindrops…

She loves walking in the rain…

Some say she lost her homeland…

Some say she lost a child…

But she will softly smile

And go out walking in the rain…”

-Jeff Desjarlais, recorded song

When I am truly angry, I go silent.  It is then that those who know me know that, again, I am best left alone.

“It's not my words that you should fear, but my silence. My words speak straight to the core but my absence will leave you speechless.”
Nikki Rowe

I am like a wounded wolf.  I draw away, into my forest of feelings, to heal or die.  I come to resolutions more quickly with age.

In a way, with my type A character, I, sometimes feel like I have given up.  I have not.  I am simply walking on a different path than I have ever walked.  In the last couple of years, through crises, I have come to a more peaceful place.  I chose my friends more wisely.  I love whether I am loved back or not.  There is more serenity on this path.  By choosing this path, I have placed myself in a position to meet people who are true-hearted.  I feel safe with them.  I feel nurtured.  I feel compassion.  I feel protected.  That is huge in my life now.  Life brought me to my knees.  I have learned to be willing to be weak.  I have never allowed myself to be that before.  I have never allowed others to give and not feel deeply indebted.  I have learned to be grateful for those who do not demand more of me than I can give.   

This is a mere snippet of where I am today.  And why.  And that I am okay with being okay.  I am okay even though those who knew me before this walk, that will sense the change and some may worry.  You need not worry.  I am more of myself than I have ever been.  I give service, not to be loved, but because that is who I was born to be, what I was born to do.  It may have been my sole purpose for being here at all.

In saying this, I continue to blog, to keep my group, to wish to empower, for in empowering others, I am empowering myself.

Blessed be.

©Carol Desjarlais 1.15.24

 

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