On Christmas Eve, we, four, chaired up to my computer screen and watched and listened to Garhen give a New Year’s Eve address. Part of the main theme was how we should Observe, not Judge. It was an eye-opener and gave me great thought over these few days. I am guilty of judging everything. I use to think I was looking for a WHY of people’s actions, when it was simply judging since I could never know the whole story. Can we judge out of love as we seek ways to understand those who are hurting, or hating? My career was all about understanding the WHY of behaviors and digging in with a client in order to help them through transference behavioral modification. Many times I came to the conclusion that removing their way of dealing with tough things was doing more harm. Street kids haf a way of surviving and if I took that away from them, how would they cope?? I knew many would return to their street-wise ways because it was easier for them since they were deeply committed to that way of coping. I struggled a great deal a I did my job and helped them transition to ‘family’ living and social acceptable living and dealing with, and ‘in’ ‘normal’ lifestyles. Today, retired, old and told, I see where my thoughts are often not just observing but judging from my observations. How do I go from who I have been for 76 and a half years of over-analyzing/overthinking (now known as ‘judging’) to simply observing? In my case, it was not only professional, but it has been one of my innate child-reaction to analyze what people aid to me, as a defense mechanism. How does one learn to separate judging peoples’ behaviors from judging them as people?
I am sure, in some cases, it has been good that I judged, in that I built great relationships with those I understood at a deeper level (according to career training at university...thank you my psyche-profs). I was more effective, professionally. But have I done harm in my own reality to others and myself in private personal life? I have worked hard to befriend those excluded by most and have developed lifelong relationships with some others avoided. I did not do it for my own ego. Can I relearn about NOT judging and accepting without judgement, other simply for who they are, how they act, etc?
I realized that it is a given that we might judge actions of others. With carful listening, deep reflection, wisdom, we can judge our own reactions to behaviors of others, that might be off-putting. Somehow, we need to separate behaviors from those people who, previously, provoked the thought to judge.
I have been paying attention to my thoughts thee last few days. I went to a New Year’s Day gathering for a few hours and I paid attention to observing without judgment, and noticed how many times I had to correct my thinking. I knew little of most of the people there. When I was in line for food, someone started a new line and I ended up having to choose to go to the back of a long line. Something silly, I know, but I chose to ask to fit in rather than go all the way to the back. I almost judged. I corrected myself and instead of being put out, I simply asked to fit into the other line. I think I learned to cut others some slack rather than being offended in some way. One of the biggest problems in the world today might be that we get offended too easily because we judge.
I, who need other people’s acceptance, have most likely put people off because I judged, and was hurt by other people’s judgment of me. Years ago, I met a young woman whose father was best friends with my kids dad, during our divorce. She came to me one day and gave her father’s perception of who I was. I was deeply insulted. It actually ‘stuck in my craw’ for a long time. I knew from whence the judgment came. But, still, I was offended. I work hard, an have worked hard, not to judge others through someone else’s judgment of them. I became lifelong friends with a neighbor who others ostracized. I grew too love that woman very much and never saw in her what others said of her. I raised my kids to stand up for the fringe kids. As adults, they still do such and it is beautiful to see. I learned to give people three chances. While it was not always wise, it gave me a chance to take time to reflect and try to understand behaviors. Perhaps I did it because I most often needed three chances myself. Sometimes, at the third chance, the feelings of rejection of them were powerful. The last few years, I have had reason to walk away from long-term friends. I observed and was awakened as I realized I had not seen it coming when I really should have… it was empowering not to defend myself, not to stay enmeshed in two who ha made my life difficult for a long time. Just quietly walking away…yes, suffering the loss; yes, longing for it all back; yes, being tempted to let them back into my life; but knowing that I could not for my own self-preservation of emotional well-being. Hard, hard, lessons to learn.
“To stop judgments is to allow for more compassion”, said Garhen. And I have stopped and done some reflection and deep thinking on such. Imagine a world where we were kind, where we were not driven by judging, where we were less offended, less outraged, less driven by judging others. How much more wonderful would be living down here on this hard earth be? Imagine a culture driven by compassion?? Can it ever be so? No likely, in the Western World as everything is in chao reigh now. But, we can make a difference in our own world and in the world around us. Checking our own ‘judginess’ can make our own little place in the world a better place and space to be.
What do you think about judging and observing? Were you aware of the difference? Would any of us be willing to give up the conditioning too judge, or to at least try and become more aware of it in our own lives?
©Carol Desjarlais 1.3.24
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