“When drawing a face, any face, it is as if curtain after curtain, mask after mask falls away… until a final asl reasons, one that can no longer be removed, reduced. By the time the drawing is finished I know a rat deal about that face, for no face can hide itself for long. But although nothing escapes the eye, all is forgiven beforehand. The eye does not judge, moralize, or criticize. It accepts the masks in gratitude as it does the long bamboos being long, the goldenrod being yellow…”
– Frederick Franck.
As a child, I was able to disassociate. To disassociate is to disconnect from thoughts, feelings memories, etc. The only time I was aware of such was during a truly traumatic event. There may have been more than once when I was a baby. There is a slight memory. When one disconnects from an event, you are also disconnecting from what is going on around you and even disconnecting from self. I have come to know that the whole memory is not there. It is a coping mechanism, a defense mechanism, that allows a person to be able to stand what might be happening. It allows the psyche to desensitize. What is left to recur is that following stressful events can cause greater anxiety where you disconnect from the reality of situation(s).
I spent the majority of my lifetime art journaling, learning grounding techniques, coming up with strategies for problem solving stressful events, even so much as practicing crises technique’s that would help me deal with stress. And, when I listened to a talk by Garhen, The Tiger Apothecary, where he spoke of observing without judgement, I realized that doing that is part of what I was learning to do, rather than disassociate. I worked hard on regulating emotions that arise during traumatic events, stressful events. Most people who know me would think that I really dealt well with problems of everyday life, etc. In fact a friend spoke of me smiling even though she knew I was dealing with things. What she did not know is that I stay awake at night and art because when I o so, I am meditating, am moving to that altered space of prayer and deep self-counsel. I do not obsess over problems. I spend a few hours thinking about it all and requesting help from my Higher power, and then allowing my own soul to come up with solutions as I art in that sacred space of creating. I have learned that answers to questions, such as this, come from within. We have our own answers and moving to creative space, that is timeless, that is when you directly access your soul’s teachings and self-healing solutions. Now you know why I am a prolific artist. Yes, it, too, is a type of disassociation, but a healthy one.
I am also known to ‘work it out’ in that I will clean house like a spinning dervish. I will pace. I will talk to myself. I will cuss. But I will do it so that no one knows what I am really doing is working through a problem. It helps ground me. I am less likely to react to situations in unhealthy ways. I am like a wounded wolf who will go out into the forest to heal itself, away from the pack. Or, like a dog that goes out in the forest to die. I take my problem with me and let it dissipate as I seek my own counsel.
Perhaps it is why I am drawn into painting faces of all kinds. I have often said that I do not know, for sure, where the faces cone from, but, in reality, I think they come to express something in me that needs balancing, needs expression that I do not have words (or appropriate words) for, each a surrogate of my own psyche in some way. Whatever it is, wherever they come from, it is good for me.
©Carol Desjarlais 1.14.24
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