Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain, American writer
How lucky can we be to be trapped for two hours with a crabby person? You know the one: grouchy and making snide remarks about everything and everyone. It is a constant barrage of negative talk. It becomes uncomfortable and all you want to do is escape but you are in a meeting, or out to lunch, or sitting at a table playing bingo. Other than getting up, scraping your chair out of the way and stomping off, being grouchy yourself, there is little you can do but swear you will never go anywhere with her again. But you do. God knows why, but you do. Sometimes it is downright mean. You think she will be in a better mood next time... and she is not as adamantly negative but the snide remarks are still there.
Professionals say that negative people are mean mouthed about others because they feel especially bad about themselves and putting other people and things down makes them feel better about themselves. I see it as a type of jealousy, fore the same reasons. A constantly crabby person will never say anything nice to even you and sometimes her meanness comes through. Personal self-esteem can be such that it becomes aggressive behaviors. Their crabbiness says way more about them than we care to know. They are insecure and it is not up to us to try to change them or their views. I tend to draw away from such people for a time because I might make a negative retort to them that I can not take back.
I realized that ‘crabby’ people are really passives aggressive. They do not openly share their negative comments with the person they are being negative about. They share it with someone else in order not to deal with face-to-face conflict. They gossip. They tell hurtful jokes. They whisper venomously to someone else rather than the person they are speaking about. The problem is that they involve you and it almost feels as though they are taking their anger out on you rather than who they are upset with. If it goes on very long, it begins to eat at you because you feel attacked. Our ego gets involved and we feel defensive.
I find it better to distance myself emotionally and let the anger bounce off me rather than fall into defense. I do not engage in the negative talk and let the crabby person have their say and I do not respond. As long as I d not respond, her vitriol goes now here and she runs out of things to say about someone else. Most of all, I remember that hurt people hurt people.
A crabby person needs empathy. Any other response can escalate the vitriol. Just saying nothing sometimes seems to make the crabby person even crabbier. If you feel a need to respond, say something that will distract them. Saying something humorous can lead to laughter and no one can be bitter and laugh a something funny.
After spending a couple of hours with a crabby person, you can feel drained. It is as if we are powerless to do anything about it. It is as if you cannot hear anything else but their snide remarks about everything. You are their audience. They consciously want you to agree with them and would love you to be as miserable as they are. After those hours, I swore to never go anywhere with her again and get caught in her melodrama of misery. I would not allow her to drain me emotionally like that again. But, I will.
We are as opposite as any two people can be. I am a hugger, a pleaser, a notoriously smiling person. I see the glass as a vase to stick flowers in, not half empty or half full. I smile and speak (compliment) passersby. I avoid confrontation like the plague.
When it is just us, she will not give a compliment for anything. I have lost 54 pounds and it really shows. I am down three sizes. She will not compliment me for that, does not like my art, and will not even ask about our cruise, but she loves me. She misses me when I go to Alberta. She will not talk about my finger. I recognize her sense of low self-esteem. It is her lack of self-esteem when she speaks cruelly of others. So, I make a conscious effort to compliment her. I am authentically interested in her daily life. I truly care about her. I seldom say anything when she is on a negative roll. I have only confronted her once for saying something negative to me. After I she crossed my personal boundary as what I feel right, I was quiet for a time and then I said, “My reason for sharing about how hard it is with strangers in our yard for a month, and their ongoing drama and chaos they caused, daily, I said I had told her because I was hoping for some compassion. I never phoned her nor spoke to her for weeks. When I relented, she cried and said she had missed me. That is as close to an apology as one can get from her. I make a point of being interested in her life. I try not to judge her, but understand the WHY she can be so embittered.
All of us have, at one time or other, met a bitter person. When it is someone you have cause to spend a lot of time with, the only thing you can do is communicate how it makes you feel. It makes us worry that it will make things worse, and takes courage to confront such a person. A relationship with a cranky person means you have to accept that her crankiness is part of who she is and either end the relationship or try to understand and give her what she really needs. I know my friend is who she is, and why she might be so bitter. I know that being friends with her means I accept her lock, stock, and barrel (mouth). There is a reason we are friends. It might not be apparent, but inside that angry soul is a compassionate person who is hurting , blunt, and has incredibly low self-esteem. I have to accept that too.
I hope today’s blog gives you rise to examine your relationships. Do you have a relationship with a bitter person... or, are we the bitter ones?
©Carol Desjarlais 10.29, 2023
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