Time to clear the air and learn the lessons. It baffles me, but I have to come to the lesson that I have been taught in this last year. How could friends, decades long, suddenly become my bullies? I have always said, I have had two lifelong friends and was so secure in that, and suddenly a meanness in them came out I was never prepared for. It was deeply personal, it was done in inferential ways, or where no one else could hear, and it was evil. Yes, I can tell you that adults bully. I can also tell you, as an adult, a senior, an elder, that it happens and, at the last years of life, hurts soul deep. But there is a lesson I need to learn because I drew them in, did not see it coming, and I am the common denominator.
Bullying happens when someone tries to put you down, humiliates you, sucks the life out of you, insults you, ridicules you, threatens you, shames you publicly, invades your personal space through yelling or actions.
Bullies are all about power and control, they bully to intentionally hurt or cause you harm, and the bullying progresses, like all abusive relationships. There are many kinds of bullies with agendas. It can be someone who has control over finances or some kind of authority over you and they use intimidation. There are bullies who use their language to criticize, to tease in mean ways, and it feels threatening. There are cyber bullies who send nasty texts, harassing texts, nasty emails, but do it undercover so that only you know it is happening to you. Of course there are physical bullies. But, the kind of bullying I find most often, with adults, with me, is that of passive-aggressive kind of bullying.
Passive-Aggressive bullying is pure evil, as far as I am concerned. The are definitely the wily fox in the cunning ways in that they act like they are nice and kind to you, around others. But, when you least expect it, they will say something, do something, that is totally out of that character to wards you. It takes you by surprise and hurts as bad as a fist. They ridicule, mimic, and cause real confusion in you in that you can not equate the person you thought they were with this evil nasty person who is now being really mean to you. There is great anxiety and insecurity that comes from this as you are an adult and you hate to tell anyone what is happening. It is hard to prove. They know it. And they continue to drive the screw in when no one else is around or not looking or hearing.
As I consider this, and me, being the common denominator in all these, I have had to take almost three months to deal with the last one. It came out of nowhere and came from a place of her illness. I was totally shocked, very unprepared. Unbelieving. I was being emotionally blackmailed for money I absolutely did not owe. I was being a pawn to hurt someone else. I am having to take a long look at why this happened. How did I invite such? What in me made them think any of them could do such?
First of all, I need to become aware that bullying is beginning, when I can. And, when it is apparent to me, I need to keep my distance and not even use the energy to help them with it. I am such a helper. This is a huge part of it. I give people too many chances, as well. With insidious passive-aggressive bullying, since it tends to be only you experiencing it, walk away. When they are using anonymous names, etc. to bully you, simply block in every way you can. Do not entertain their bullying. You can figure it out later. If it is face-to-face bullying, make eye contact. Bullies have a hard time not having empathy if you look them straight in the eyes. Maybe. Only one of mine was eye to eye and I simply walked away. In extreme cases, document. If you are a daily journaler, journal about it because a journal that has been kept faithfully every day can be used as evidence. I know this. I have had it happen when charging someone with abuse of one of my children. Make copies of texts. Report it.
Bullying can take a huge space in your soul. It makes you question everything about yourself, never mind the other. It disrupts your personal calm, your sleep, your sense of self. Make sure you have a tribe you can turn to. The depression that can come may need you to see a professional. Work on your self-confidence. Mine was in the trash, believe me. I was so unprepared for such meanness. By turning to those who know you well, know that such should be uncommon for you, are a support to you, you can talk things out and get some insight into the WHY of it all... including the why of you inviting such to happen.
Bless us all as we are mere travelers through his lifetime. I pray you find the strength, if you are being bullied, to rise above it without giving up being a loving, caring soul. Yes. Yes. Blessed be!
©Carol Desjarlais 14.10.23
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