Angels Amongst Us?

First off, I do not believe in ghosts as defined, but I do believe in spirits, good spirits.  I believe in signs from elsewhere.  I believe that there are guardian angels ( not with wings and things, but they look like wings but are the pull of light through one realm to another.  I believe in some being born with an old spirit.  I do know there are some things that cannot be explained.  I, also, believe in types of guardian angels.  

Sometimes we may have hair stick out at the back of our neck and it seems to be just an anomaly but it is definitely a sensation that can be uncomfortable at times.  I was once taught to know “watchers” , the Medicine Man and head of Native Studies at the University of Lethbridge, who said I needed to really recognize such.  He had taken a special interest in me and what I was driven to develop for Educational thematic Curriculum that I would use to retrieve troubled native youth in troubled native communities.  He was an amazing teacher and I became his willing student to be sure.  He said that I would be challenged as I moved in to do good things with Native Education and that it would not always be people.  One morning, I took my kids to the U of L daycare.  It was just coming dawn and I had an early class.  I parked and took my kids in but when I parked, there was only one other vehicle, a truck, in the parking area.  I felt uncomfortable, but got back in the vehicle, after dropping the kids off, and drove down to my usual parking area closer to the doors that led to the tunnel.  

 Because I was feeling something uncomfortable, I decided NOT to walk through the tunnel down to the atrium.  I walked the long way down inside the levels of the University. Each floor I walked; I would see that man.  It gave me the heebie jeebies.    I went into the to cafeteria, got my coffee, and went to sit at our usual spot close to the exit areas of the cafeteria.  When I went to sit at our usual gathering area, there was a guy sitting there.  He was wearing a feather down coat, looked like a worker in work boots and definitely did not fit in to the usual student characterization.  He was rough looking and hair stood up on the back of my neck as I sat down in the same area.  I had ben told, by the Medicine Man, that when you get the sensation of a “watcher” nearby, to never ever look them in the eyes.  I did not feel comfortable sitting with my back to him, but I was eerily aware of him staring at me constantly.  I waited for the rest of my usual morning group to come and a constant prickling sense overtook me and I got up and moved.  When I finished my coffee, and no one else, but him, were there, I decided to go up to the computer lab and work on my computer presentation that I was struggling with.  I found an open computer station and sat down to work.  A few others came in and I was just getting in to an intent part of making a windmill that moved, using coding, so I did not pay attention to them.  Suddenly someone spoke, “go see Professor ______”.  I turned and said, aloud, “What?”  A Native student near me, looked at me in surprise, and suspicion, and said, “What?  I didn’t say anything!”  It was weird but I had to get that danged assignment done.  I kept working but a voice in my head got louder and louder, “Go see Professor ____” (the Medicine Man who was the head of Native American Studies).   I tried to talk myself out of it.  I could not.  It go more adamant.  I finally gave in to what I thought was me being overly dramatic, and went up to Professor ___’s Offices.  I thought he might not be there that early, but there he was.  I entered his door with a kick knock, and he said, “I have been waiting for you.  You recognized him.”  I had to sit down; I was so blown away.  There is more to the story, but Professor ___ had taught me to know watchers and I had.  I had been taught to be aware of sensations that were warning me or that would lead me to follow my intuitions.

Another lesson I was taught, in this way, was about Deja Vue, that sense that comes over you that you have done this thing, seen this thing, before.  I was taught that this feeling was a way the ancestors let us know we are on the right track/path/making a right choice.  We are all the answer to an ancestor’s(s) prayers”.  We have a purpose we cannot know but will be given signals for.  

Another time, I was driving down a lonely side highway towards home.  I had been to the city and I had just the three older kids in the backseat of the car.  We had driven two hours on the main highway and this side highway was a shortcut to home.  Suddenly a sort of thought came into my head, it said, “Stop the car and tell the kids you love them!”  I tried to ignore it, it got louder.  Stop the car and tell your kids you love them!”, and finally, “STOP THE CAR AND TELL THE KIDS YOU LOVE THEM!”  I could no longer ignore it.  I pulled over and stopped and turned to each child and looked them directly in the eye and said, I LOVE YOU!”  No explanation, just intently told each one of them.  I started up the car and headed on.  I was waiting for a reason for why I had been demanded to tell them that.  Was there going to be an accident?  Was something horrible going to happen to us?  Nothing happened.  I could have ignored the incident to me being dramatic or something, but I knew better, some how.  I learned not to question those kinds of signals.  Some times we receive messages, out of the blue, and we might wonder where those come from.  It will be personal and meaningful to you.  Is this a message from a guardian angel; some kind of direction or guidance?  

When the love of my whole life was diagnosed and then died in 5 weeks from the fist sign of cancer of the liver, he and I were doing some of our last conversations.  He did not believe in God nor heaven nor anything of the sort, but I said to him, Richard, if there is another place, send me feathers in weird places.  I have found feathers fall from an open sky on to my should.  I have had feathers blow into the vehicles open window when I was driving.  I have had feathers show up where no bird of that kind of feather would be.  Coincidence or a sign?

Some people have a significance with a coin.  They, too, find coins in different places at different times.  Perhaps it is a rainbow that is somehow significant to you and is meant to affirm you, to help you know you are being comforted, that you should have faith in such. For some, there are symbols in the clouds.  Some see and receive images and messages in tea leaves.  Some get flashes of light, see shimmers, see orbs and know these as signs or symbols of something beyond present day life.  The smell of peonies, the sight of peonies, immediate signal a moment with my mother who grew magnificent peonies and they were her favorite flower.  A random moment in some environment can signal a connection to a memory of a person, place or thing.  How do you explain such things?

I have an absolute personal knowledge that we are not alone and even spooky stuff is the stuff of signs and symbols from another place, a good and beautiful place.  I am not talking about negative senses of things, but something beautiful and peaceful.  So how DO you explain these things?

©Carol Desjarlais 7.2.20

Aging and Coping

“Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?” – Frida Kahlo

The Isolation for these months has really seemed to have done a job on us.  I think, from what I hear from friends and relatives, isolation is easier on women.  I think we know how to fill time.  I notice The Bee Man has really suffered.  Finally, he got his Bee Queens so he is happier having them to work on.  I, also think, that women have better stress-coping skills.  But, is that the norm?  Is Age a factor?

As we age, our cells age, and either we become calmer and more effective, or we move further into chaotic living we may have been used to and chaos turns to depression or need for medication.  As well, the medication we take can have a huge effect on our emotions and body efficiency.  Our aging body is burden enough. Our minds are, I believe, more reflective and now, we find that we struggle if chaos enters our life.  I have a sense that we might be less resilient when anxious times comes to visit. 

As seniors, our anxiety and stressors come from losses, too much time, too less energy, and too much alone time.  Some of us do not have the ability to be able to gather eye to eye with friends or family that we can share our everyday worries with, or to get relief by sharing with.  Yes, we have social mediums but we crave and need face to face.  How do we socialize then?  It is a basic need.  Find ways like Face Time, Zoom, etc. to see someone’s dear face as you share.  

With this imposed semi-isolation, we have stressors added on to the normal aging stressors.  We have pills to get and take, we have worries about others giving us the virus, we have worries about how long this is going to be before things relax and we are safe.  These worries up our blood pressure and cause triggers that stress and anxiety can have on our body, mind, heart and soul.  There is always something on the news to worry us and we need to stay informed but if we cannot find a way to peace while all these things (second waves, smoke from Africa, killer wasps, hurricanes, climate, pipelines, governments…) are going on it can begin to add up and it will…will show up as physical, emotional responses. 

In fact, I truly noticed the emotional responses this spring.  Life bit me and my health bit me and my everyday stress-responses were totally skewed.  Sometimes I get my words wrong, sometimes I forget or miscue things, often I drop things, trip on things, and struggle to keep my proverbial chite together.  Every time I do any of it I worry about falling, about getting my DNA shared proclivity towards dementia, etc.)  It is unnerving how often that chite is happening to me.  When I think logically, I realize I AM older and must be careful and I am finding this aging body of mine almost foreign to me.  

As we age, it is easy to get discouraged, to withdraw from adventures, to settle in and settle for less than we should.  Many of us have different kinds of chronic things going on and we have meds and changed meds and med reactions.  (Hello two weeks of hell because I was given an antibiotic that I had an extreme adverse reaction to and on meds for that now for six weeks).  We can find our moods all over the place and isolation definitely does not help.  I am very aware my mind works like a middle-aged woman, or younger, but the body cannot keep up (the falling, the dropping, the mixed-up feelings).  We have to be honest and accept when we need help in any way.  Oh, we boomer women with our “I can do it all…equality...band standing for our rights” suddenly, we are not able to keep that up and it is mightily hard for us to surrender to pretty much anything.  I find that keeping busy, doing things differently, trying new things, trying old things I used to like to do, all these helps me get through my 24 hours until the next day.  

When I find myself frustrated, I do turn back to what sustained me in the past.  My ‘go to’ is cultural traditional things.  One thing I am excited about is a class in making birch bark baskets that is done outside and where we can maintain social distancing.  It is something I have always wanted to do.  This last year, I have been moving back in to doing some cultural and traditional things I have not been able to do for my four years of grieving.  I am into five years now and I can open up even more.  I know there will be laughter because that is part of First Nations healing processes.  I need that spiritual stimulation where my soul knows The Good Red road to recovering self, in balancing soul to the rest of this, to be nourished and sustained.

What are you doing for self-care during this time?

©Carol Desjarlais 6.29.20

For The 'Remains' Of Your Days

All of us have been betrayed by someone we thought cared about us.  Every time…every danged time… it happens, we give our head a shake and ask ourselves how we could make such poor choices in friendships.  We are quick to blame ourselves for some lapse in relationship choices.  The reality is, we call “Friend”, those who are not and we simply put on blinders and walked part of our journey with those who will teach us good hard lessons.

We all have those friends (or THAT friend) who always seems competitive with us.  We know it.  We refuse to think of the consequences.  They seem to often (or always) find a way to dampen your joy.  This is pure toxic because everyone needs a cheerleader in their life.  If who you call friend is constantly deriding your joy at some small success, then they are toxic indeed.  Gracefully walk away and feel the relief that comes.

We all have that friend ( or friends) that know how to give and receive in equal balance.  Some ask too much of us.  Instead of uplifting, the drag us down with their constant negativity and desire to have you fix them.  We are all fixing ourselves.  Again, we need a cheerleader not a burden.  If you find you are worn out with their drama, although it is very difficult, and many of us are “fixers”, our very well-being depends on our ability to withdraw and keep on our journey without them.  Enabling is not empowering.  If we are constantly being asked to fix them, it is too much.  Water seeks its own level.  Soon we will be in need of fixing if we continue to let them suck the sap from you.  

As I said, we all need cheerleaders.  We need someone who can make us laugh, can tease our heart with joy, who bring us flowers on our saddest days, who uplift and inspire for no other reason than friendship with them is pure and authentic and safe.  We all need the kind of friend we do not have to watch everything we do with.  We need girlfriends we can whisper secrets too and know that she is a safe person and will keep all your idiosyncrasies safe from the outside world.  Mature friendships would never betray but will make beautiful that special connection you have that includes being as real as you may have ever been.  

I wish you the kind of friends that are angels in your life.  I wish you be an angel for your friends for the remains of your days.

©Carol Desjarlais 6.28.20