The Voice

I have done daily art for years, taken courses after courses, practiced, experimented, and sweated over trying to allow my Muse to do the painting.  But, I have a kerfuffle.  I do not seem to have found my whole artistic voice.  I do think my faces have my voice.  When I slip back into earlier ways of doing things, I see Modigliani influences since he was the first artist I tried to learn techniques from and took a course on painting like Modigliani.  I, often, slip back into the long face and long neck.

I think I do better art when I just do, with no agenda, no prompt, no other art to use as inspiration.  Sometimes those faces surprise me.  Once, after a grueling fist classes in mixed media, I was so frustrated, and it was so difficult to make my brush be what the teacher wished it to be.  I scribbled, finally, and gave up.  I think my voice wanted to come out and I was refusing it by following directions explicitly.  I was trying to force my voice, my art, myself, into being what others thought I should be doing.  If my end result was not exactly like the teacher's, I felt a failure.  

Eventually, I started painting with no agenda.  That was key for me.  I could use a prompt, yes, and I owe thousands for those that kept me experimenting, practicing, failing and succeeding.  But, I had to give up control.  I had to allow my very soul to express itself.  I could not copy a landscape, a flower, a pastoral scene, a face, for the life of me.  I have always been a "show Me", not 'Tell Me'' person.  I may begin to use an example to paint, but, then I have to look away and do it from that place in my head and heart and soul where voice resides.  I had to stop mumbling and rumbling in order for my authentic voice to be heard.  

So often we may paint for the acknowledgement of others.  This is when your ego is talking over your authentic voice.  Somehow, amidst it all, it has to feel and look like other than you did the painting, drawing, art.  I, often take my oldest books, canvases, sheets of paintings, and use them in other ways.  There were paintings there that I thought were not as good, but there were some that took my breath away.  I would wonder "Did I do that?"  Ah, therein lays the authentic voice.  

In letting go of what you think a piece should look like, giving yourself personal feeling in what shapes, colors, words, ephemera, etc. SHOULD be... and letting a pile of art stuff and tools HAPPEN, is allowing your voice to come out.  

I keep harping to self about "where my voice might be", and yet, that is not it at all.  Yes, I begin to see patterns.  Yes, I begin to see a certain style.  Yes, I begin, more and more, to prefer to do something in my own way.  It is something to do with personal soulful truths.  I begin to notice I have confidence when I am turning loose and allowing myself to simply DO!  

With this painting, I share with you now, is an example of where my voice took over without me trying to have it happen.  I have struggled and struggled to do a boy portrait.  Then, suddenly, in my head, a new start happened without an agenda, without me saying, "I am going to paint a boy."  I began thinking of my little boy triplet grandchild, Aidan.   And, without even trying, he appeared.  This will be a gift to him when I get the girls done, when my Muse decides I am.

If you want to catch a glimpse of your voice, go back to all the art you did in the beginning and see how you adjusted and changed along the way.  You will begin to recognize your own Voice.

©Carol Desjarlais 4.13.19