Choose Well, Sister-friends

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.
But sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life.
That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

There are so many decisions to make in life...myriads of causes and effects. We are our decisions.  As we age, those decisions become, I believe, even more, personally, dire.  All our previous decisions come to bear.  All our reconciliations come..all is right here, in our immediate NOW I AM. 

The decisions, now, as we meet our senior-most years, will impact us, perhaps for our forever in ways they have never impacted us before.  For some decisions, we do not have time to recover from, to change around, to bring to a balanced conclusion. 

Our physical decisions are most dire.  Now we have to really give thought, and make choices, on how we want our Ending to be.  We need to make decisions about where, why, how, when, those kinds of decisions.  It is sobering, to be sure.  We cannot be wishy washy or sit on any fences, here.  Some of us may feel like we are sitting on a cliff, and, seriously, we have no choice but to jump. 

For some, our intellect may wane and we will more feel confused about these dire danged decisions.  Not all of us feel we have the wisdom, yet, to make such decisions.  Some of us are really trying to have our life more peace-driven rather than chaos-driven.   When we look, now, at our decision-making processes, we realize the commonality, the patterns, in how we do that.

Look, these decisions are not the decisions of a child, a youth, a young woman, a middle-aged woman, with all the age-appropriate decisions one can find during those times.  This time, it is for REAL serious outcomes.  Our emotional decisions are huge, as well.  Do we mend fences?  Who would we mend those fences for?  Is it worth the hole in the fence, after all?  Do we finally give up on waiting for someone, something, somewhere?  It is difficult to keep our emotions authentic.  We realize we may still have that Lizard Brain in our head and Ego is a huge thing that can want us to keep things as they are and if we had all the time in the world.  And, we don't have all the time we need to fix or walk away from everything.  We have to decide what will matter to us when we are no longer able to do for ourselves. We get to a place where we have to make big decisions on who we still want in our lives, who deserves to be in our lives, and who we wish to gather into our lives.  No one else's souls will be affected by our choices in this, just our own.  How do we find that elusive peace we have always wanted and now know is imperative in our lives?  Soul Peace!  Is there such a thing, even? 

Sometimes we mess up our decision-making thoughts with the past and because we think we know too much, and, in fact, some will gather even more information on how to make such and such a decision.  But then, that would make it not our decision.  When we do that, we are finding loopholes in how we might or might not make a decision.  In the end, the only one that should be involved in our decision is us. 

Our soul begins to gnaw at us to get decisions made.  Sometimes it is only a niggle, sometimes it is a pounding headache of a drive.  What we really need, and most of us seem to have falling into our personal space, is a quiet time to make decisions that will impact the end of our lives.  We want there to be no know crises feeling to it. We have to let go of the could, would, shoulds.  We need to be so at peace that our soul can tell us what to do.  Once we make a decision, emotion-free, only then can we take ownership of decisions we make.  Sometimes it a lonely space to be, but it is a quiet space, and we may have always tried to have groups involved in our decisions.  These are sacred times and sacred decisions.

Perhaps we have been ones who needed chaos to make decisions.  "That's it, I am leaving!" and we walk out the door.  Or, we have been addicted to impulsive decision making and then forced ourselves to live with such.  I am guilty of such, both.  I have always just made the decision with devil-may-care attitude and then lived with it.  My father said once, of me, "She made her bed now she can sleep in it!" Perhaps that scripted me for a time because it is exactly what I did.  Sometimes I stayed longer than I ever should have.  My father also said, "You never learn from other people's mistakes.  You always have to make it your own."  That, too, was a voice in the back of my head.  I was a fringe person from the day of my birth.  I thought differently as a child.  I was not a sheep in any form as I aged.  I am still not a sheep.  I am still just one step off being like everyone else in many ways.  I had many adventures.  I had many disasters.  It is part of my personality. 

Many times we start over-thinking a decision and by doing this we end up, always, stuck in the mire of thinking the worst. This is catastrophizing.  We make decisions out of panic.  You just have to know that is not a good idea. 

Some us ought to turn that voice off in our head that criticizes every decision we might make.  This is not 'back then', this is now.  We simply do not have time for Ego games any more.  These decisions are about, and for, only us.  There is no more time to worry about what we missed, what we are missing, or what we miss later.  There are going to be lots of physical, intellectual and emotional things we will miss, eventually.  Life moves forward.  Do not look back; we are not go8ing that way! (My dear friend, Lucretia, upon the death of my sweetheart).  Yes, there are regrets and it, I have come to believe, is part of life and we can focus on that or focus on getting forward to what we can and need to get on to.  WE can afford to make such risks any more. 

We do accumulate regrets, failures, sorrows, and they have become part of who we WERE...not ARE.  We can still make our own decisions.  There will come a time, we cannot.  Best we make the best of it.

We become more mellowed, I believe.  We can either be sweet, be peaceful or we can be bitter.  We have that choice yet, too.  We can be depressed, and there is lots for that, or we can find joy/peace in so many small things.  We can know that we are loved or we can feel victimized.  We can still take calculated risks that will be less about worries and more about the thrill of trying something new, doing something differently than we have, and/or jsut because it gives us a thrill.

Above all, remember, life is all about choices!  We chose to be who we were, who we are, and who we might, yet, be!  Chose well, sister-friends.  Chose well!

©Carol Desjarlais 4.15.19