“Saying “Sorry” is not enough. Go to your room and think up ways you can SHOW that you are sorry.”
I am sure my kids cringe, to this day, when they hear me laughing and say this now. But I was a child who made up my own rules. One of my rules is that “Sorry” is not enough. O have oved my whole life under that premise. I raised my children that way.
Echoing through the house would be little ones yelling from their bedroom, “Sooo ooorrrrr reee!” And my reply was as above. There would be wailing and gnashing of teeth, kicking the door of their bedroom, they would still be yelling “Sorry ____” (whoever they were supposed to be sorry too). I would continue to say, “Sorry’s not enough!” I would tell them that I would come in and talk to them when they thought up how they could SHOW they were sorry. Eventually they would be quiet. Sometimes, sleep. Some of the sweetest notes ever written would be passed under the door. I truly believed in restitution. They came up with some really creative ways to show they were sorry. I wonder if any of them still believe in that and if they use that with their own kids.
Forgiveness needs to be earned. Making things right with each other is imperative because, another adage I had was, “Some day, everyone in the world might hate you, but you always have to love each other.” Restitution does not just help the one you have offended in some way. It helps you. You do not have to spend a lifetime remembering the offense and wondering if you could have done more. If we take this to heart and make it one of your own rules, there is no shame or guilt, nor regrets hanging on to your hemline. This goes for forgiving yourself, as well.
Taking some time out and considering how you can fix things allows us to learn from our mistakes. (I hear echoes in the hollows of my mind, “You never learn from other people’s mistakes. You always have to learn from your own!” the voice of my father.) Forgiving yourself means that you figure out how to do better in the future. Later in life, when your Evil Inner Witch (Critical Inner Voice) brings your past errors up to whip yourself with, you can quieten that by realizing how much you learned.
Restitution means that you are taking accountability for your part in everything. Making restitution means that you have not just said the words, you have been moved to action through thought on a problem. This teaches you empathy. You may have thought you had it. Until you start muddling over ways to make things right, you do not go the depths of such. You begin self-regulating better. You do it enough times and you begin to automatically make tangible effort to right wrongs. It is saying, “What can I do to make sure you know I still care about you.” Even if this is for your own self. I read, somewhere that making restitution is practicing love when it is not easy.
If we are the victim, we are not going to waste our energy getting pay back. We are going to let it go. We learn to let go of things that just will not be important in the future. We are able to let go of resentment. Resentment cripples your present and your future. Forgiveness expands our ability to surrender, release, and love. It teaches us about mercy and justice. It teaches us to examine our own part in problems. It saves us from future self-retribution, sleepless nights, nagging thoughts about an incident and people(d) involved. It makes us survivors not victims. It empowers us rather than imprisons us because if we do not resolve one thing, it is an indication that we are holding many resentments. That takes a lot of emotional energy. Life down here is hard and it takes all the emotional energy we can store up. Why not try restoration; showing not saying, “Sorry!”
©Carol Desjarlais 11.12.23
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