I think most of us have experienced betrayal. I wonder how many have experienced betrayal by a lifelong friend? It has been a severe wounding that it has happened to me, at my age, no less. We should have friendships that last a lifetime. I had three. I, now, have one. There is a huge lesson for me to learn over the last couple of years. For a time, it haunts us. We could spend a great deal of time obsessing over it. Or, we could simple turn around and walk away, without defence or sense of retribution. I chose the latter.
What once felt like friendships that were full and round and wonderful, a sense of sisterhood and camaraderie, and love.,.yes,..great love, became a great sense of loss. They had become destructive, unhealthy and negative and the endings were full of betrayal of different sorts, but betrayal. There is deep trauma and if you have never experienced it, you will not be able to relate to having the sacred trust broken. You cannot fully define the kind of support, love, loyalty, affection, respect that a sisterhood is nor how trust is destroyed with an incident, or incidents, that build to the final ending of broken confidence(s) or a jealousy turned mean. That walk away is done with great sorrow. There is a hollow chamber in your very soul that echoes with emptiness.
How does it come to this? How does a beloved sisterfriend go from being closer than blood sisters to a bully, to becoming someone who takes all the weaknesses and secrets of your lifetime friendship and uses them to hurt you? How does great love turn into character assassination with underhanded gossip or with intentional outright emotional attacks by someone who knows how best to hurt you? How demoralizing. One’s deepest vulnerabilities, learned over a lifetime between growing up and growing old can be used to wound us. It sends us into deep mourning, a place where we question everything we knew about friendships, about sisterhood, about ourselves. How then do we deal with this? How do we not stop trusting anyone? How do we go from being stunned and hurt in the deepest places of our heart and soul, to a healing? How do we make do without them in our lives?
It takes time. It takes days of longing to go figure out how to remake the friendship and knowing that you simply cannot. It is up to them to come make it right. If they are narcissistic, it may never happen so we have to go on without them. But, a couple of years have gone by and you regain some perspective about yourself, never mind of them.
At some point, you stop feeling defensive, letting go of the anger, letting go of some of the hurt, and you find opportunity to really look at yourself and all your relationships. At some point, you stop taking it personally and you begin to understand how loss of compassion may be a cycle in their lives and you realize you have been hurt by a hurt person. Their hurt must have been really huge for them to destroy a relationship that once meant so much to both of you.
As you come to more of an understanding, you have to understand that over-thinking the whole thing is useless. We cannot know what drives others to do what they do. All we can come to understand is how we allowed it to disintegrate into what it became. We have to not focus on the “what happened” to understanding some of the real emotion behind the betrayal. Do not respond to them, respond to yourself. Understand that inevitable WHY. Refuse to stay stuck in the muck of the final straw.
Any personal trauma can trigger our past traumas that relate in any way. Abandonment and rejection has always been an issue with me because of the Primal Wound. If you want to hurt me, you know this, and this is how you will hurt me. In one case, it was a purposeful misinterpretation of what I said. I had revealed something that I meant to make her know how very deeply I cared for her. It was betrayed by her going to my abuser and then to a friend and misrepresented what I said. I was devastated. I did not do anything but turn away and walk away. That is an uncommon thing for me. Typically, I will try to make it right. I would get defensive. This was too deep a wound.
My oldest daughter died and not a word from her, even in that. That, again wounded me, that she cared so little. In the other case, “Condolences” is all that was sent by text. Nothing. Both have one daughter. Both would know how devastating that had to be for me. They have not healed nor tried to make right, their wrong. It pried open the scabs left of the original wounding, of course. I have spent nights since my daughter died, trying to figure out how someone who as loving and kind and compassionate could turn so cold. The respect and kindness, on their part was gone. I was numb to them all over again.
I forgive easily, typically. This is not even a need for forgiveness. This is for me to learn to love myself in spite of their ire. I trusted the wrong people, for decades. I cannot believe that either of them is not feeling loss as well. Even through the rigidity of their narcissism, I would have thought that, of all reasons, that alone would lead them to some compassion. Both friendships are irretrievable. I avoid them by making sure they can no longer get through to me and try to rebuild a relationship. Both are broken forever. I cannot let such people into my life again. I have looked deeply at the rest of my friendships and am making sure there are no red flags. I no longer consider being vulnerable to them part of friendship. I do not trust and I am working on that with the relationships I have left. I am still learning the lessons offered.
I must remain vigilant, so that a weak moment of grief over their loss does not draw me back in. I have to stand guard on myself as I stand alone without them. Through all this I have learned that my love is full and deep and ever even if I am not loved back. It is enough that I love and forgive even though with a leery heart. The most brave thing I can do is love in spite of it all, and from a great diostance.
©Carol Desjarlais 11.22.23
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