Regrets, I've Had A Few

 

 

"Accept life, and you must accept regret,"

-philosopher Henri-Frédéric Amiel.

It is 3:30 am and I wakened full of mixed dreams of things of the past.  So many regrets.  I am awake, fully, now, and I remember what a girlfriend said as I got in line to enter the plane and fly away from my life in Maine.  “Don’t look back, you aren’t going that way!” 

My sorrow is deepened by the fact that I can never change the things that happened with my daughter.  That opportunity has left the world. 

Regret is painful and, typically, we can change things.  In this instance, regret is useless.  The only thing I can do is make sure I work on the rest of my kits to make sure there is nothing holding us back.  I am a lucky mother in that my other 6 children love me.  One loves me enough to do as I asked and not contact me when she is high or drunk.  I have done all I can do, as a mother, as even a professional, to help her and she continues to not help herself.  I have one son who is distant.  He is warm and loving when we talk or I bump into him somewhere, and is sweet to me and I have no doubt he loves me.  He has reasons, beyond me, that keep us from having much interaction, though.  It is something I cannot change.  He has to come to a place where he is able to understand that being influenced by another should not be allowed to break and/or weaken our connection.   I can not intrude on the choices he makes. 

I am too old, now, to make a lot of changes.  There are a lot of missed opportunities.  I have to make the best of my relationships with my children now.  What is, is.  I cannot dwell on the missed opportunities, the ‘unknowing’ mistakes, the times my choices affected them without me realizing how much.  All I can do is let the regret go and not drag the past along with me for the rest of my days. 

I forgive myself.  I am being very compassionate with myself right now.  I feel vulnerable, weak, and am very hurt.  To become strong again means I have to show great compassion for myself so I can turn to each of my children in strength and with courage and with humility.  I cannot let gaps in any of our relationships happen.  I cannot be afraid of my children.  I love them and they know it.  That is enough.