I would give anything to be able to take the more educated mother, I am now, back and save my girl when she was twelve. Puberty set off a chain of events that would end up with her many adult problems and a mother who will forever wish she could have known, and allowed to do more to help her. Our relationship was complex, as were all of her relationships. The complications make my grief more complex. No one can judge, or they shouldn’t. That she is at peace now, is all I can hang on to. No matter what she did, her mother still loves that little girl that she adored.
Every card of sympathy, every call, every visit brings back the excruciating pain for a time. Grief is, indeed, painful. Those that love me, can imagine and give the right kind of condolences. I look around at many I know who are struggling with a daughter, and realize this has to be frightening for them. But, when we do not know what to do or our daughter does not allow us to mother, we are all stymied and frozen in time. I wish to tell every one of them that they have to let their mothers love them. I wish to tell every mother that they always have to hold space for that daughter. Even at my daughter’s most needy time, her ego would not let her turn to her mother. I drive away the guilt that I do not, even yet, know how I could have shown her better that I was her safe harbor.
As I grieve, I have to be very cognisant that each of her brothers an sisters will be grieving differently. Some are numb. Some are angry. For all of them, they grieve differently and, as I must be allowed to grieve my way, their grief must be honored, however it is projected. As a mother, it is imperative that I see their side of experiences. No more secrets. That is what I have told all of them. There is no one perfect way to handle it but no more secrets. This has drawn us all closer together. There are still issues within the family that will eventually work themselves out, but I feel closer to my children and have experienced them draw closer to me. We all get it. We all mourn what was good and decent about her and we all have had to let go of the animosity that resided, the worry about who or what was going to be next.
As a mother, I will mourn the loss of her, as I have done many times already in this life. It is time, now to rest and recoup. I took the last week on the cruise, as a time to simply be, see new things, was filled with the beauty that is in the world, met new people, did new things. No one but I and the couple going with us knew my grief. I did not have to feel like there was pity, that I was anything other than a woman on a cruise. I did not have to talk about it. I let the sea air fill my cells with renewal. And there was a space of time where I was busy with the newness pf everything. Coming home, I felt the dread of having to return to my new reality: A mother who has lost a child, a daughter, a heavy grief.
I will try to begin to blog soon. Right now, I renew my ability to cope with this grief. Sometimes there are no words.
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