“What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher.” ~Chuck Palahniuk
Sometimes, when life hands you another “here we go again” time in our life, you would think we would catch on to the lesson that life is trying to teach us. I am a slow learner, because I found myself in those moments more than a few times. My father used to say, “You never learn from others mistakes, you always have to make your own.” Shoot, I don’t learn from my own until at least three times. When I figured it out with a few Ah Ha moments, I got it and never let whatever negative patterns that were cycling around in my life happen again.
All of us have patterns in our story from birth to present. It seems it is the negative ones that cycle hard. It might be procrastination that is a projection of a deeper issue. It might be addictions (my new one has become emotional eating during covid). It might be struggling with things other people seem to breeze through – It might be relationships and conflicts with others. Yes, mine was relationships for over half my life.
Remember the blog where I said I realized I made decisions from a base of fear? Well, I was also impulsive. As a young teenager I had a best friend. But, you don’t get really involved with a best friend, so we hung together until he wanted more and I totally was not ready to go anywhere past the friend stage. But he would take that rather than not have me in his life. Then the most eligible guy happened upon me. Yes, the high school jock, the one all the girls wanted and so surely, I should want him too. I was super naive brought up in a religious community that used guilt and fearmongering, so I was a good girl. Happens this one wanted more and took it. Because of how we, girls, of that community, were brought up, you married the one who had you. Therein began 19 years of mostly horrendous times but I was brought up in the belief that you made your bed and then you slept in it. The most awesome of the 19 years was giving birth to my five children and adopting two. Finally, I had blood and bone people who loved and needed me. I adored my children but I was not my friend who said, “I will take my little bit of hell for my children’s happiness”. After a brain bleed and one last beating, I left and entered University and never looked back, except… then I chose relationships that did not ever require me to be emotionally involved and I was in control. I was gun shy. I only gave exactly what I wanted to, I had nothing else to give. I could walk away on the turn of a dime… and did. I chose a needy man who was a good man, but the moment he thought he could tell me what to do, I ran. I, then chose a relationship with a needy man who was really awesome but his neediness drained me of any goodness I could bring to him. That break up was volatile. He did not give up easily I was put into the underground with my kids for two years until I either had to completely lose all contact with family or go so far away he could not find us. I had an aging mother. I could not go completely into the land of changed identities and etc., and my kids needed their other family as well. So, I stayed single and just worked, worked, worked, on myself. I lived way up in fly-in communities so I was safe. I broke the cycle.
I was just coming down into civilization and getting ready to retire early when I sent out to the Universe that I was ready. And ready came in the love of my life. What a gift. I retired early and we had a wonderful loving life but life and then God or Life or something stepped in after 12 years and took him away in five weeks from when he said, “My urine is a funny color!” I have never known such grief…thus, you should know, I never knew such love. But I got to experience in my lifetime. Once. I will never experience it again. I have enough grief to last me the rest of my life expectancy. Yes, once I knew relationship healthy beautiful love that required surrender and vulnerability and all the things I had to do with fear of abandonment and me abandoning before I was abandoned, or never getting deep enough in to attach in such a way that I could be rejected. I had been doing it over and over. I had, indeed, broken one of my patterns and damn that hurt!
Of course, there are more patterns to be broken, even yet. Fear still tries to override my common sense. I make less emotional decisions but I will still make them and the trigger goes back to fear. I finally broke the enabling I was so wont to find myself in rather than empowering situations. Last year I ridded myself of a ‘sapsucker’ (my term for someone who sucks the life out of you because you are a giving, understanding and loving soul.) That was huge. Life handed me a situation where I could have defended myself and I realized a person was way more work than I had signed up for and that person betrayed me bigtime. I refuse to be in that kind of situation again. I am still finding ways to pacify myself (food) and still have that pattern to break. I find myself in a situational relationship that I need to find more grace and dignity and not allow others to walk all over me or wound me with their words and actions. I got it! I am midst breaking this cycle. It has to do with fear as well. Acknowledgement is part of the breaking of patterns and healing. I know I may face another kind of abandonment and I am trying to organize myself and prepare so that I am not in the same situation as the last time. I realize it is fear-driven and huge trust issues, but I am trying to conquer it. I may be able to.
If we remember that we are the common denominator of our patterned dilemmas, then we can realize only we can fix the replay of lessons we get another chance to learn. I wish you learn, sisterfriends, the easier way than I have in my life. I wish you peace and joy patterning.
©Carol Desjarlais July2, 2021
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