How often, the sneaking persistent feelings of ‘not quite good enough’ come niggling through to your consciousness. It saps your self-confidence, your energy, your rest and/or your reason to get up and get going. Those feelings are not your reality. They are made up feelings.
Sometimes the brain decides to trick us. It makes up negative feelings that do not correspond to reality. The feelings/emotions are cut off from reality as if the brain were telling a story. It emphasizes the negative/ your fears so that it feels real and it can disable your ability to feel loved, accepted, that you matter.
I think that those disconnected feelings that do not fit reality are like a waking dream going on in the background, and that it is like the Real You is looking in on a story that is negative. The story is negative and contains all one’s fears about self and what we do, what we are. It is degrading, questioning the positive aspects of Self.
If you listen to the story, you will denigrate all you do (for instance, an art piece you are working on...telling you that it is garbage, not good enough)... and it spirals into You are not good enough… the story builds as long as you allow it. It will be in the background when someone tells you something positive about Self or what you do. It will denigrate anything that others might compliment you on. It keeps you in survival mode, rather than thriving. It keeps you stressed and can lead to a state of depression. You begin to doubt yourself. You withdraw, when it is at its worst.
To ward off the negative thinking, you can bottle up those negative feelings and they will come pouring out at some minor thing. You can find yourself riding the sharp edge of bitterness and anger. If you, finally, get tired of it all, you could/can flick a switch that turns off the background noise, become aware of what is happening, refuse to accept the story and the storyteller in your head. Only you can do this.
Once you become aware of the storyteller in your head, you begin to take control of yourself. This is powerful stuff. You can stop the ‘knee-jerk reactions to the stories being told by some negative speaker in you head. You have to refuse the Fake Story being told. Acknowledge the storyteller in your head. Acknowledge the messages as being heard, then refuse it. If a feeling being expressed is not validating, simply switch off its power button. You hold all the power over your thoughts and feelings. Visualize flicking the switch. Keep doing it until the feelings / thoughts stop. Find some way to validate yourself. I turn to my art. If I wake up in the night with a story streaming through, get up. Don’t lay there and let it go on. Refuse it. Get up and do something to take your mind off listening to the negativity. I art, plan meals, sometimes bake, whatever it takes to stop the negatives. With practice you get better at it. If it needs to be heard so badly, do an art journal page that speaks for it… as you do the art, your frame of mind will change.
You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. Remember that. You matter. There is no one on earth exactly like you. I remember hearing from an Elder who was speaking at a conference in Rapid City. He said, “All of you are here in answer to some ancestor’s prayers!” I keep that fresh in my mind when negativity is trying to run over me like a Mac truck. I am here for a reason. I matter. You are here for a reason. You matter.
©Carol Desjarlais 3.29.24
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