My friend Holly put up a F.B. post on Porcupine people. We had been talking about such just a while ago. I have someone in my life that is a prickly person. I find it tenuous and, at time, stressful, to be with this person in a crowd because she is so negative… sometimes downright nasty. But I love her. She is not a friend to be compassionate, etc. but I also see, sometimes, peeking through, just barely, a bit of tenderness.
Being around prickly people keeps you alert, for sure. And, if they leash out with something nasty to someone, or loud enough for that someone to hear, it is mortifying. Yet, I am her friend and she is dear to me.
I get that she is insecure, needs positive affirmation in her life, is lonely, has some envy problems because of it. I, also, get that she is trying to keep her own head above water and feel less a fringe person but seems not to have the personal skills to do so. Dpon’t get me wrong. I, in no way, act like a counsellor, and seldom do I call her on things, and when I do, I make sure it is pointed and only in question form. “Why do you not like _______?” To which she will say something judgemental or spiteful in reply, about the person. But she seems to be more careful about speaking ill of that same person, around me, from then on.
We all have people that strike us wrong. First impressions, which, I might add, are typically wrong, might have us leery of that person. And, I find, in myself, that there is no real reason for that person putting me off, but it is there. At times, we may have people who make the hair rise on the back of our neck. They seem to be people, strangers, who I sense to not look in the eye. I do not make a big deal of it. I simply back off and walk away. There are some people we just must not engage with.
I have learned that, if I care for this person, I have to surrender in a way and keep the peace by simply ignoring her negative remarks about others. She has her reasons. And, I refuse to ever take responsibility for another adult and what they might say or do. I won’t apologize for them. Neither will I affirm nor disagree. I simply ignore. It is not my job to judge her. And, I am not her mother. I can say something if she is being negative about me, how wrinkled I look from losing too much eight… how my style is like some damned teenager… like how my hair looks weird with its new cut and doo… how my shoes aren’t the right kind for my age… and I might simply say, but I like it.
Don’t ask me why I remain friends with her. I do love her. We have very little in common. I do have empathy for her. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to be the way she is. I am sure the bitterness has to weigh heavily. I sit back and watch her interact with our other friends. I see how some fall into the negativity. It is hard on me when there are two of them together, but I stick to what I am concentrating on and do not join in and they do not seem to mind that I don’t. When I have had enough of it all, I will withdraw for a week or two to give myself a break. I guess she is more like family than friend. There is something worth it or I would not continue. I am sure there are lots of psychological reasons for it, but I just want to hang with her when it is just us because it is easier. We have a regular type friendship when we do. We laugh, we have nice meals out.
What think you on the subject? Do you have a friend that is harder to deal with?
©Carol Desjarlais 5.28.24
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