“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~Jean Paul Sartre
Your thoughts, feelings and experiences are one. Experiencing this fully as one is healing. I am really tired of constantly healing, healing, healing. I do not know about you? Is life just healing from one moment of living to the next? That sucks!
Life can be felt, sensed and be experienced as one trauma after another and we have all kinds of ways to think better of it. We say things like “Bad things come in threes…deaths come in threes…etc….” and then we stay anxious until that Number Three comes. Is that any way to live? Not for me.
We refuse to give up on our past negative experiences. We allow our self-talk to bring it up constantly. We refuse to accept peace, surrender to peace, change to make peace, with memories and we choose to remember the worst better than the best. We speak to ourselves about not being able to trust, not being able to accept we are all vulnerable, and we have not come to speak of the past as gone and all we ever had was present moments. We keep woundings alive with bringing it up over and over with no resolution. We scrape up negativities in the past and dump it in our present if we choose to. The only way to get over the past is to live in the present and make every present moment worth something.
Of course, we have memories but memories have no power over us until we choose to let it. Our reactions are always in and under our control. It does no one any good to relive everything over and over and add more and more levels of untruths to an original experience by thinking of them again.
Letting go means, not forgetting the memories, but pulling them out of the quiet of your mind and really looking at how you have grown from that experience, or not. Every thought is nothing more than a thought. It is your action/reaction that makes thoughts reality. No more trying to redo the past in your thoughts. No more trying to forget... simply acknowledge, see the change to your present, and let it pass. No more mourning over the past and nurturing the opportunity for it to return again over and over and over. It is 'spilt' milk, so, wipe it up and let it be done with. No more stuffing down your feelings…simply acknowledging, understanding the WHY of it, like you would for any of your children, parents, people who might have caused wounding. It is not happening NOW… Your perspective of IT is the one of a child, a teenager, a young adult and the perspective has changed over time to the NOW. (even in the NOW, it is no longer actuality because each time we think of IT we normally add the newest feelings to the experience (s). No more expecting the someone to apologize or beg your forgiveness, to beat themselves to a pulp, for karma to get them…. Give that up too. How much time have you been hanging on to IT as if it just happened? YOU! YOU need the change, the acknowledgement that IT happened to you and here you are learning to overcome, and thrive. You are not IT. IT is not you. Now you have the opportunity to see how brave, courageous, strong you are to be here in the NOW. Why not change the self-talk? You have always been enough. You have always been the one who has become a better person. You are the one who cannot be judged. You are the new YOU every moment you breathe. Who is hanging on to stuff? You!
You are not THE VICTIM. You are the SURVIVOR. Stop telling yourself you are the victim. Recognize why you keep victimizing Self. That exact wounding is not happening now and so the only one keeping it alive is you. I so need to remember this, myself. If I keep myself sad, grieving, mourning, for what was, is not what IS. Revenge never makes one feel peaceful, joyful, serene. You are judging yourself. You are the one keeping yourself stuck in an old story. No one but you can make yourself better. Life is a bitch sometimes for every single being on Mother Earth. Here we are, each of us, surviving, needing to overcome, and needing to thrive. It is our responsibility to do so.
Again and again I have to remind myself that
my past has no power over me. I have to
see and be around one of my abusers very often.
I have to remember to put up the boundaries, the armor and be open to
allowing myself to show my strength not my old weakness to him. It is because of him that I broke free, went
to University, had an incredible career that I loved and that filled me, that I
am the person today who has knowledge, compassion, empathy, etc. for others and
because of him I learned to grow and become a whole new person that I love,
that matters, that I continue to try to do better each morning, that I have a
whole new meaning and purpose to my life, that I matter and always have. I know that now. I healed a long long time ago. I allow my life to be a good one; each
morning it gets better and better as I make new reasons to be here. I was broken time and time again by life
never mind by others. I am in the state
of kimntsukuroi…which shall I use; gold,
silver, platinum, titanium? What will
you use TODAY to mend some cracks? We
are not our past. We are our
Present. Love yourself enough to stay
there. I am trying, can you?
©Carol Desjarlais 8.25.21
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