Everyday Karma

 “We accept the love we think we deserve.” - Stephen Chbosky

“You are what you think all day long.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am sure we all have some kind of understanding of karma.  It goes deeper than just doing to others what you wish done to you.  It belongs, also, in the realm of what we think of ourselves and what comes to us because of that. We know what we think affects us, that our self-worth affects us, in myriads of ways in all four realms of our being – physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.  And, right now, we can be thinking all sorts of things from one end of the scale of positivity to negativity.  I wish none of my negative thoughts on myself, so I am taking good care not to think negatively.  

This is a time of fear, whether you realize it consciously or not.  If we were the type of people to say we can’t because we are afraid, then we will only more deeply entrench that kind of thinking and it will go beyond the fear of the pandemic.  Not fearing does not mean not being careful.  Fear, for many, is typically an excuse not to do something.  Do not let fear guide us.  Refuse to listen to the fearmongering that is going on.  Of course, listen to the experts but be careful what kinds of experts and what their hidden agendas and what they have expertise in.  

Another thing I am being made aware of is something my father conditioned in me.  “You made your bed, now you have to lie in it!”  I stayed in an abusive marriage 19 years too long because of this conditioning.    How many of us have just ‘sucked it up and taken it’?  We can all change our minds.  It is not failure nor cheap nor weak nor just giving up.  Sometimes our choices are all about reasons no one else even needs to know about.  Making choices takes strength.  What we chose directly affects how our life will be immediately after choosing…and who knows for how long after.    When we make right choices, even in horrible situations, we become free of our conditioning and we change the karma.  

Do not ever accept less than what you deserve.  And, despite the voice of your inner critic, you deserve so very much.  If our needs are not met, our basic needs, then we deserve more, yes.  But wants?  Not so much.  We do not have to settle for anything, ever.  But, sometimes we do to make someone else’s life better.  Do not plaster a smile on your face and then expect others to know that you are going through harsh things.  Be authentic.  You help no one by pretense.  If we pretend, some time it will come back to bite our butt, believe me.  When I left my nineteen-year marriage, family actually said, “But, you always had a smile on your face.” And there was no support for me from the people I needed the most to do so.  Our life will never be fulfilled if we do not accept what we must and change ourselves betimes in compassion, in consideration, in quiet celebration of what you have that you DO need.  Do not ever accept that this is the best it can be.  It takes hard work to fit into a partnership, a family,. A community, a culture.  There is always give and take and sometimes you get way more than what you needed.  Give it a minute to soak in.  There was a book out that purported that you could drema and imagine and make it so.  It was kitschy and did so much damage to so many who, when it did not happen, they spent the rest of their time feeling undeserving.  I spent a great deal of lie doing for others what I wished could happen for me.  It did not work, of course.  I had to raise my boundaries and expectations, yes, and it was hard work and it hurt lots of times, but in order to be a part of the whole, sometimes we need wait a minute and maybe get what we need, bit by bit, as we put ourselves out there to receive, that things do find their way to us.

I started doing a whole envelop of Random Acts of Kindness before Christmas.  I kept adding to it, and then forgetting, and then adding some more.  Finally, guilt had me send that off, or what I thought was guilt/shame that I had not sent it off.  I sent it.  It took some long weeks for me to find out that she had received it.  During a couple of week’s ago angst and chaos, and real stress and sadness and anger in my life, I received a note from the stranger I had chosen, at random, to receive the gifts.  I was blown away when I received her message that went something like this:

She could not figure out how she knew me. (I absolutely knew nothing of her... I chose her at random from a totally other group.)  She had been admitted to ER due to a incident where she no longer wanted to live.  Suddenly, all of a sudden, she got my package.  She stated I had blessed her. She, like I, had some issues from childhood that showed up and she, like I, thought it had been conquered.  It hadn’t.  All it took was some kindnesses from me and others, who knew nothing of her situation, to help her get through.  She thanked me for my instinct.  When I received her message, I, myself, was pretty low and her note to me helped me more than she could ever know.  I am a good person.  

I am intuitive. And, I cannot be intuitive if I have inner crap going on.  I had listened.  I had blessed.  I had no intention of thinking I would be blessed back.  But, there in the middle of my own muddle was her beautiful note.   I believe in Karma.

©Carol Desjarlais 5.25.20

Divine Mother

"The calm sea is the Absolute; the same sea in waves is Divine Mother. She is time, space, and causation. God is Mother and has two natures, the conditioned and the unconditioned. As the former, She is God, nature, and soul (humanity). As the latter, She is unknown and unknowable. Out of the Unconditioned came the trinity god, nature, and soul, the triangle of existence...
A bit of Mother, a drop, was Krishna, another was Buddha, another was Christ. The worship of even one spark of Mother in our earthly mother leads to greatness. Worship Her if you want love and wisdom." — Swami Vivekananda, Inspired Talks, July, 1895

Have you ever wondered about a heavenly mother, a female God companion?  I have.  I always wondered why we did not know of her, or if God, is not male but neutral gendered?  Oh, the hersay/heresy.  Creators on Mother Earth are feminine.  Would that not mean there had to be a feminine in all of Creation?  My heart and soul need the concept of a Heavenly Mother figure.  Perhaps it is why I got so interested in the goddesses many decades ago.  Today, I write about Devi, a Hindu goddess.

Devi is The Divine Mother, partner to Deva, the male supreme God (Shiva) and who balances the male with her feminine ways.  She has been likened, or called by other names; Saraswathi (goddess of knowledge), Durga (goddess of courage) and Lakshmi (goddess of prosperity), for instance.  

Sri Devi means Mother of All and she can be gentle, goddess of nature and life.  She is said to bring the rains and is a protector against diseases.  This is good to know at this time.  

She can be ferocious in her protection like a mother bear.  She can be benevolent.  She is the balance to Deva/Shiva’s destruction and uses creative energies as a womb of all creation.  This really touches me, that there are cultures who consider such things.  She is our reality, our awareness and our bliss as she helps us change, regenerate, and create.  

How little we know of a feminine creator, yet our soul/spirit knows and longs for more information and more connection.  I believe there is some depression connected to not knowing and not connecting.  I think it has us long for that home we came from originally.  I am sure she blesses those when in throes of pregnancy and childbirth and is closest to us as we go through birthing.  (I wonder… is that her compassion in the pause, the space of time between pain and pushing?  Is she that calm, that spiritual place before we crown our babies?)  Of course, she is known and the unknown, but learning more of her may bring us closer to the feminine compassion so many of us need after being subjected to the maleness of so many of today’s religions.  

Whenever I research and study the goddesses, there seems to be a calming, a comforting, that comes as I realize how thirty my heart and soul are in aligning to the feminine.  There are so many and each has a part of characteristic(s) in one’s life and reality.

So, today, as we all deal with this pandemic and all its residuals, let us call her by any name we might know and beg for her protection and compassion.

©Carol Desjarlais 5.23.20

A Forest of Feelings: Too Much, Too Deeply, Too Dramatically

We all act and react differently to life and with this new life we are living in, we can experience some pretty raw emotions, I find.  As long as they are fleeting, and our resilience returns, quickly, we are handling things pretty much the way everyone is.  You may overreact to situations.  You may be ultra-sensitive.  You may feel dramatic.  It is easy to see that we are all at different stages and feelings are more intense - (perhaps like a small child who does not get their way).  We all process things differently according to genetics, conditioning, experiences at any time of life.  We may be more finely tuned, right now, and more intuitive, more perceptive, more aware of social nuances, and have different energies flowing through and around us.  

I know that I was concerned because I was feeling some of these things this last couple of weeks.  Gifted people often feel this way.  Some of us are often highly-sensitive.  We have all met those who live in denial, those who are always on some kind of mood swing, those who are lifelong sufferers (Eeyore types).      To be in balance is to rarely feel rapture, and/or to rarely feel desperate.  Most of us feel tenderness and nostalgia.  The balance is that we maintain control of our emotions, are resilient, and are able to negotiate with ourselves and remain more than survivors, more than overcomers, but are able to thrive.  The extremes of anger, intense angst, and swings are not balanced. 

Fear is normal and part of our make up as human beings.  But constant fear is not good for our psyche let alone all other three areas of being human.  Abandonment issues need to be worked on if you have had a life that gave you such.  Disassociation is so damaging and many who have been abused in early childhood will deal with this.  There are those who live risky lives, to the max, and tend to have other disorders that go with this.  Overthinking and paranoia is not for those who are working on balance or are balanced human beings.  Chaos makers and chaos-takers are not balanced.  Feeling numb for long periods of time is not balanced.  Strained relationship issues is not a balanced way of life.  Taking on the feelings of others is not balanced.  Being vulnerable to others is not balanced.  But  as long as we are awake and living alive, in this day and age of virus and its quarantine changes, and maintaining a more balanced way ( not necessary the old way you were, but occasionally finding yourself putting out small inner fires) we will be able to thrive in new ways.

The richer our lives are, the healthier we are.  As long as we are seeking answers to our inner thinking, without accepting others truths to be our absolute own, the more apt we are to find balance.  We need enthusiasm and energy and stimulation.  We need to find ways to absorb the outer tensions and make our lives even more enriched by meeting the challenges head on in order to assimilate what is good and discard that which does us no good.  Obsessiveness is not good for us; being contemplative is.  Somehow we tend to maintain self-control.

We resolve emotions and tolerate change and angst as we acknowledge our changing emotions, during this stressful time, as they come.  We think before we act.  S long as we accept our new normal and work on self-esteem and self-regulation during this time, the better off we are.  So, do not worry that you are feeling things more intensely.  It is to be expected.  What is not expected is that we stay in these feelings without taking time to understand and acknowledge them and know the triggers.  Emotions are a gift.  Emotions are teachers in their own right.  We have time to really understand our inner workings and like a time-keeper, figure out how we work.  It will not be long and things we balance out.  If they do not, then we may need to seek help to do so.  

No guilt or shame attached, sisterfriends.  Life is not as we knew it, neither are we. Just as life will return to its balance, so will we.  I love you for your bravery, for your realness, for who we are all becoming as we forge onward through difficult times.

 I did this painting with Pia Rom.  I love how her paintings are stories.  

She starts with mark making.  I used a page I had used up left over paint on.

I calmed it down with some gesso.

I, then, added some torn bits of  a face, a bird, a tree  and interested blocks of color.

More mark making and using charcoal to find and define some areas.

then I began painting over the face, to remake the portrait.

I used clear gesso over all.

Next, I began painting in blocks of color.

Again, redefining what I had done.

As I finish, I repaint the woman,and the bird,  add details. and voila, finish before I muddy up and overdo it all..

©Carol Desjarlais 5.22.20