Yearning and Recieving

 

 

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” Maya Angelou

There is a German word, “Sehnsucht” which infers an uncontrollable/inconsolable yearning/longing for something we can not quite put our finger on.  It is an illusive yearning but it is strong, undiscovered and complex.  It is a sudden cloak that forces us to pay attention to the feeling.  It is insistent and persistent.    It is almost a grieving for something you have lost and have, yet, to rediscover.  It comes from the deepest part of Self and you are left with that yearning than needs come to be in order for you to feel whole, to matter, to feel you have a purpose.  The yearning becomes the purpose, and a sense of demanding refusal to give in until you truly seek it.  I believe that it is LOVE in all its forms.  It is a gnawing need for acceptance, for kindness, for compassion and, yes, for a fulfilling sense of JOY.  We have had little of it as our world becomes more and more divisive.

It takes Self-discipline to gain such things.  We may have forgotten that we have to work to have it, that we do not earn it, we have to deserve it.  We have to physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually work towards deserving it.  It is something we cannot force, control in others, or automatically consider our deservedness. 

We have to step past our fear and know that love cannot reside where there is fear.  If we want peace, we cannot cause chaos and conflict.  We have to become, truly, compassionate, respectful, and see ourselves but a grain of sand in a mighty raging ocean right now.  We have to become intercultural human beings and not see differences as negatives, no matter how we have been conditioned to think of the EGO/I as best, as right, as enough and judging other cultures to be “the enemy”.  Perhaps, in our divisiveness, WE are the enemy of love, peace, and joy.

We have to discover, for ourselves, that compassion and empathy is what is going to get us through some tough(er) times.  Have we learned this over the last couple of years, or have we learned to be foot-stomping children, who rebel against what is good for all?  The honor of one is the honor of all.  To understand the need(s) in others is to begin to understand our own need(s).  Compassion leads us to the giving of service to others and in this comes a sense of community, of connection, of love as will fill all our voids. 

So, is our yearning huge gaping maws within us?  Have you tried sincere agape love?  Wait, do not think that I am speaking Christian agape love.  I am speaking of the early Greek word that means a love that is benevolent, willful delight and goodwill towards others.  It speaks to the giving of love that is beyond physical, romantic, sexual love.  It is about charity for others and self.  It is about losing oneself (the ever I) for the better good.  It is a humbling love.  It is a forgiving love, a surrendering love.  It is unconditional love.  I believe, and have always just had it in me, to love, to love in spite of everything else.  To find a way to love until strike three when I love myself enough to let love go.  I have loved enough to stop the yearning for returned love and become able to calmly, quietly, close the door to my heart, forgive them and myself, and walk away.  It does not mean that love totally goes away.  It doesn’t.  It means that love can become an addiction and we move away from love to a controlling manipulative love until we get it.  We surrender that not everyone will love us back.  It means, as I said, that I have enough compassion for myself that I allow that person to walk away as I walk away myself.  In that is the peace of love.  In that is Self-love.  An agape love for self.  The yearning stops and the empowerment of knowing that dimension of love fills us.  Sometimes it has taken a long time to get to that state.  We are conditioned otherwise, most times.  To walk away without bitterness, without anger, with pure unadulterated acceptance and surrender to outcome, is huge enough to quieten the yearning for things to have been different.

What can we do, today, to quiet the yearning?

©Carol Desjarlais 9.3.21

 

Risk-taking

 

 

 

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”
― Helen Keller, The Open Door

Usually, my work with risk-taking, was all about Youth, but, more and more, I am recognizing that, at 74 years of age, I need to think about the risk-taking that I do.  Yes, of course, most of us think of risk-taking as a negative aspect.  But there are also POSITIVE aspects of risk-taking. 

Many of us, at every age, are seeking purpose in our lives.  We explore new ways of doing things, we happen upon new interests, and we continue to set goals.  The degree of risk-taking we do depends upon our maturity, our sense of our identity, our degree of independence, even yet.  We either fear failure or not and we either reject an adventure or take it, accordingly.

Risk is all about choices.  A Risk-taker makes/takes a decision with uncertain endings that can be great or not great.  Some of the negative outcomes put you at serious risk like anti-social decisions or dangerous decisions you might make.  Postive risk-taking is dependent on the outcome, as well, but are socially-acceptable and lead to positive outcomes.  Always decision--->action ---> consequence(s).

How risky a decision depends on your sense of Self, your acceptance and/or surrender to those outcomes.  It takes a tolerant, less anxious person to deal with reward and punishments for our decisions.  I was always a slow learner so it takes me a few tries before I finally get, or deal with, results.  If negativity is sought, negativity you will get.  It is very individualistic.  We all deal with risks every day and we need to risk in order to mature and grow into our full potential.  I refuse to accept less. 

One has to consider what values were embedded in the family of origin.  It depends on how we were influenced by those beyond family and into the arena of peers.  It depends on how much you identify with bonding in family, extended relationships and society at large.  It, also depends on your goals and whether you feel you have more to lose from not risk-taking. 

 

Joining a new group (even this one) means that you are risking to begin to find a tribe here, or in any group you join in any arena.  In society, we are making choices to either be introverted or extroverted and that is all about trust and trust issues.  Some take risks at standing aup for values or fighting against them (typically teenagers and those in their early 20s).  Sometimes we drag that maturity, or lack of, through our later years because it is comfortable to do so.  Social issues are all about risk-taking without fear of rejection.  You are woman…hear you roar!

We take risks every moment we make a decision.  Negative risks do not help you or anyone else, other than you learn not to do that danged thing again. And maybe it takes a few times before you get it.  Like Me!

Oh, but the adventure of life!  How I crave adventure and will make decisions that will enhance my life.  Of course, I make negative decisions that have me risk a great deal.  I live for the positive!  How about you?

©Carol Desjarlais 9.2.21

 

Messy, Un-curated, Filter-lacking Women

 

 

 

“There is a time and a place for things. Sometimes one needs to put a filter on oneself. That can be a good thing.” - Tori Amos

Once, I was called “precocious” but, oh, the world amazed and excited me.  I talked early and I was always talking.  It is as if I never learned NOT to speak my mind, my feelings and my spirit.  I always wore my heart on my sleeves and talked about them or expressed them.  I was impulsive.  I simply said what came to me.  I have not ever said, “This is how I am; you deal with it!”  I never meant to speak out in judgements or unkindness to others.  I always felt guilty if I “spoke out of turn”.  My father always said, “Your mouth is going to get you in trouble!”  I learned to live out that truth.  I was truthful to my own thoughts, feelings and soul.  I was not “blunt”.  I was merely narrating my thoughts.

I guess, as a child, I expected others to be honest in their conversations.  I learned a heartbreaking truth when I was four or five years old.  My beloved hero, my grandfather, played an April Fools joke on me.  To him, he was teasing.  To me, he had lied.  It impacted me hugely.  I learned how to weigh other’s conversations to or about me or anyone or anything.  I learned to analyze what was said, according to the perception of my age.  People, I found, were not straightforward with their opinions and words.  I lost trust in people’s words and never truly regained it.  I did learn something important in my education at university.  I learned to ask the WHY of what was said, not the WHAT was said (and done, as well). 

Although I was very conscious of “What would people think?   I did not filter what I said through consequences of that.  If I become frustrated, I tend to let whatever I am thinking roll on out.  T think all of us, at some time or other, have felt the repercussions of saying what we think and wish we had not said it.  And, I always think of good comebacks after the fact.  As I matured (and I am STILL maturing) I learned to mumble ‘stuff’ under my breath, and the comebacks in my mind that I hold back, oh, it is good stuff. 

To let your mouth run ahead of your brain, all the time, means you most likely lack filters that is when to know what to say to what audience.  To truly lack a filter means that you are not aware that you do not have one.  You think it is normal, good, just to say whatever you are thinking in any tone, any context.  And, I have met so many people who are contentious, who go out of their way to be oppositional, even when it is clear that they do not believe, deep in their soul, what they are saying.  Some know they do not and make excuses for how they speak to others.  Some realize that they are not getting great feedback and that what they say might create drama no one needed, but are unwilling to change to meet the social norms. 

Things I have learned (and continue to learn) to “curb my tongue”:

*Realize that no one can make you say or do anything you do not want to.  If you find that you are more likely to speak ‘out of turn’ to someone in your life, then stop speaking to that person until you can gain control of your tongue.

*Think back on emotionally charged conversations you have had and where you ended up saying “too much’ of what was on your mind.  If you find commonality of experiences of saying too much to the wrong people, at the wrong time, perhaps it is time to reconsider how you perceive how you speak to others.

*Post a note on your bathroom mirror that says, “If you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all!” and really try to curb what you say and to whom and when.

*When you feel negative energy building, stop, walk away, give some serious thought to what you were going to say, and come back a later time to re-converse, or never say it at all.  Weigh the consequences to you and to the other(s). 

*Journaling is a great way to say what you need to say.  Art journaling is even better.  It is there you can express what is truly in your mind, heart and soul.  It is there you can express every emotion that is nagging at you, or needs release.  Art, of any kind, allows for this.  Instead of angry words, how about angry art?  We have seen every emotion created and shared all over the web (think The Scream, for instance).

This all is no easy task.  We have allowed what we say and how we say it to be a huge part of our Ego/Evil Inner Witch/personality.  To soften up those sharp edges, we need to look for patterns in our life surrounding conversations.  We should not have to feel regret for speaking our truths. We simply need to learn HOW and WHO and WHEN to speak them.  I continue to work on this myself.  When I start to feel oppositional, I remind myself, “You do not have to be right, you need to let others be right, too!”  Yes, no easy task for some of us.

©Carol Desjarlais 9.1.21