Shadows
for
a moment just before you open patio
door
your
shadow dragging dog out with you
i
saw sunshine peak through ominous clouds
my
friend is cleaning house
stem
to stern she has slow growing cancer
soon
to be drugged into silence
and
forgetting
in
order to take out darkness in her uterus
my
brother another episode in a night
hours
wait in a chair in a waiting room
contemplating
shadows behind drawn curtains
twelve
days beyond strokes and heart attack
crumpled
with worry and wonder
at
what lie ahead
my
fake fingernail came off its glued center
keys
of my keyboard are more black than white
and
every plunk of that fingernail-free fingertip
reminds
me of how little I have to care about
except
that you might get rained on
our
earlier downpour maybe return
and
both of you will come home sodden
but
come home and I will complain
about
your muddy feet such a silly worry
that
might break up monotony
of
my mid-day musings about shadows
©Carol
Desjarlais 6.27.19
Sometimes
we live under that shadow of important, life-impacting things. As we age, life becomes more tenuous and,
yet, predictable. Sometimes we end up
alone. Sometimes we end up with a
partner for comfort. Sometimes we are
taken care of, sometimes we are caretakers.
Some of us will be celebrating our 50th - 60th anniversary
together. Some of us are new. Some of us are respected and are shown
gratitude. Some are not. Some of us are old friends. Some of us are happily living out our lives
with peace and comfort. Some see us,
second women in their dad or mom's lives as interlopers or just someone who is
a glorified caretaker so they do not have to do it. Always living in shadows, we are.
Some
of us might be totally taken care of by our new partner. Some of us are wise enough to take care of
ourselves and pay our own way besides paying half the expenses. Some of the adult children of this blended,
or unblended, family get how vulnerable it is to be second or thirds. Some of the adult children will resent
everything we do. Some will appreciate
us. Some of us fit right in. Some of us keep our personal belongings
packed up, in case because we know the adult children might be savage dogs once
their parent is gone. There is always a
shadow we live under.
Some
of us live in houses of our own design.
Some of us will live in another woman's house. Some can surround themselves with photos of
their own children, with a home made new and part of the new couple. Some do not.
Some buy new homes as a couple.
Some women are made most comfortable by knowing they have done something
worth the other making sure they are okay after he goes, or she makes
arrangements for him. Some live with
their own furniture. Some start
anew.
Soem
of us can go to sleep at the same time and rise at the same time. Some like to sleep in. Some sleep toegh4eter. Some sleep on the couch because ratcheted
knees or hips are more comfortable in a recliner or a couch. Some fall asleep as soon as their head hits
the pillow. Some cannot sleep until much
later so watch television until late in the night after one has retired. Some like music in the background. Some do not.
Some like the heater up. Some
like an air conditioner on. Some are
warm. Some are cold. Some compromise way more than the other. Some realize we are compromising. Some like certain foods. Some do not.
We compromise.
Some
are continually compared to the old.
Some are grateful for just being and being allowed to be. Some enjoy travel and some do not. Some have places they routinely go for
activities. Some do not.
Most
times a second feels like a second and adult children will draw a line in the
sand and you are not included ...my dad/my mom, my dad's things/my mom's
things. Some find out early that they
are resented. Some are taken aback when
the line is drawn. Some have made a
strong enough commitment to be loyal to their spouse. Some have not. Always shadows.
Some
have lived totally different lifestyles and it is hard to have the others made
to feel like an integral part of the new family circle. It is so difficult when you add on to your
tribe. What they eat can be different,
even that causes shadows. "Don't
feed THAT stuff to my dad."
Ugh! Sometimes one wonders if it
is worth it, but then you love their father/mother and you realize it is part
of the deal and you are in it for way better reasons. But, there is always tension; Especially if
their recreation is so different than yours, their education and maturity
levels are so different. It, truly, can
be a struggle.
I
guess a "second..." should expect that the adult children of a spouse
will be critical. You are NOT their
mother/father and they struggle, too, with differences in culture and
expectations. One should expect that
they are too busy to be caretakers and to leave the partner would put her/him
in desperate situations. In being 'second..."
one has to maintain a sense of self within the new circle. One has to stay who they are and it works or
does not work and that's the deal.
Shadows!
One
can create boundaries, but in doing to, you are not allowing for a closeness
which some partners are used to with people.
When adult children were raised a different way than one raised their
own, it can create lots of tension, and, betimes, chaos. No matter why the new relationship, death of
spouses or divorce, the family is already broken and we are all dealing with
that brokenness.
Even
if you make sure that the parent and their children have issues of inheritance
and finances taken care of, early in the new relationship, y9u always think
that they are holding part of that against you. In my case, I ask for nothing, pay my own way,
pay my own share into everything home related so that it can never be said I
used my partner in any way. I keep a
healthy boundary with such. But, if he
should go before me, the dogs would become savage, seen the potential,
experienced it before, and it is a fear that resides with us...another shadowy
thing.
Old
family issues are still at play in the new family. Very often we, the "second..." can
become the target for their old problems.
I am pretty good at placing it back on them, but there are things I know
nothing of. I might be their punching
bag for something I have no idea of.
Somehow I have to walk my journey, a bit distant from all. We have to try to keep our relationship
strong and how we have developed our connection, without having any intrusion
or misunderstandings of what our relationship is. There is chaos I am not even capable of
dealing with, so one holds oneself away from relationships at all, other than a
neighborly-type relationship.
Somehow
even territory has its shadow side. It
has to be expected and some things are more brutal than others. Being "second..." is brutal to the
psyche and sense of self and they often know that y9u are vulnerable and they
will use anything against y9u. I am so
aware of shadowy areas. Every so often
it comes up, but lately, as their father ages, they begin drawing deeper
lines. I will forger be worried and so,
now, I have a shadow side as well. I am
not leaving, but things are getting packed and sorted for 'just in case'...
because I know the hardship of those kinds of things and I am preparing, just
in case those shadows turn into monsters.
I will know exactly where everything is and know where they are so they
can be packed u by me, or, if I go first, can be easily found by my children or
whomever comes to get my 'stuff'. It is
a sad way to live, but one has to protect oneself from all kinds of
shadows.
Do
you live with shadows? I think most of
us do.
©Carol
Desjarlais 7.1.19
