Thursday, July 10, 2025

My Word of the Year Was COURAGE

 


 

I gotta share something with you:

I chose the word COURAGE as the word of the year.  Little did I know how much it was going to take.  Nor did I have an inkling in what ways I would need courage.

After ten years, life became more difficult.  I was in a space where I was not able to take care of myself because life required of me to take care of someone else. My health issues were ramping up.  It had always been there, but I have been a woman of patience, believe it or not.  I tend to always take care of others before myself.  I was starting to have more and more health issues.  I had to take care of myself as best I could, but the issues were gaining ground and I needed to be at my daughter’s for support and care as I transitioned and have been going through weekly appointments, tests, and more appointments and more tests.  The dilation of my heart was, I figure, the hardest one.  I was so proud of myself that I could drive up to Calgary, find where I was staying, and find the heart clinic by myself.  Then I was able to drive the 8-hour trip to Edmonton, to my son’s, at the army base.  I love driving but I am not a big city driver, but I aced it.  I have been able to come back down through the two big cities.  It was huge.  I am on my 78th circle around the sun.  It all took courage.  But huger courage was need in February. 

I was driving home after a visit in a nearby town and I, suddenly had to pull over because I had a huge explosion in my chest.  I breathed through it and was finally able t drive home.  It was becoming more and more painful.  Instead of driving into our driveway, I drove to a friend’s…our angel neighbor.  I found her in her shop.  I told her I thought I might need to go to emerg.  As she drove, she kept talking to me and I was barely able to answer her.  I never even h4cked in before they rushed me in and hooked me up to everything.  The pain would not subside.  After a few hours of several pain meds, they were able to diagnose what it was:  Pericarditis.  I was so grateful for them.  They had specific drugs for that and I gained relief.  I got to go home and continue on the meds and bedrest.  During tat time, I felt so alone, worried, and came to the conclusion, with my daughter’s help, that I needed to come home.  Then came one of the most courageous things I have had required of me.  I slowly began to pack.  It took me two months for me to tell my partner what I was doing.  I was going home because I was really not doing good and I needed to be near my doctor and my family who could help care for me.  The boxes piled up and we had a yard sale, all the while I was gathering up the courage to tell him.  Two weeks before the end pf April, I sat him down and told him.  Every day for two weeks, I had to repat the whole painful thing.  We cried.  Next day, I had to tell him again.  And the next…and the next.  My daughter and her partner came and stayed overnight loading up a trailer.  The morning we were leaving, he asked, “What’s going on?”  He could not remember.  I had to retell it all again.  Walking away was heartbreaking for all of us.  I felt so much guilt but upon arriving at my daughter’s, a sense of relief.  Every day I hone in the morning and in the evening.  He has many crises but I have him lean on this middle daughter.  He is still alone and not really managing.  I know she is not caring for him.  He continues to say how he needs me there to help him remember things.  I continue to tell him of all my appointments and say I will be back.  I cannot go through the gruesome story any more.  I do have things to collect here, so I will be going back.  That, too, is going to take courage.  It will be the finality.

But my sons are visiting often, I putter around the house, I go through more boxes of art supplies (omg).  I eagerly await my daughter and granddaughter each evening.  They have my Grandson, Teo, 17, coming to stay with me as my daughter and her partner and PJ go to Ghana.  I won’t be alone here if my episodes get worse (they are, in fact, more often and last longer).

Ok, Episodes:

About two years ago, I began having these episodes where I would go down and be like paralyzed from the waist down and it would last about ten minutes before I could get myself up or have help to get up if anyone was around.  They were random.  I could not tell when one was coming other than a numbness that came.  Most times I would be outside, then sometimes they were inside.  Only a couple of times, my partner was there to help me up. Most times, I would be outside and sprawled in the rain or snow.  I had one when I had gone to the vehicle to get something but I never made it back and I dented the side of the house in my fall. Again, they were random.  

When I had pericarditis, I started having full body episodes without falling down.  It would start like a foot going to sleep that would go up thew right side of my body.  I had told the dr, and he said to breathe through it.  He began sending me to all kinds of lung and heart specialists and tests.  Now, they are coming more frequently and lasting longer.  It is not really a pain.  It is more a burning heat as it fills my chest.  Then the sweats and the weakness.  I am awaiting results I will get on Monday.  I had five episodes yesterday and two during the night that wake me up.  They are getting worse, whatever they are.  I breathe through it all.  I keep track but I do not bother anyone else about them.

 I was concerned yesterday as I was weak and felt “off”.  I did tell ShirRae that I had an off day.  Today, I have had two so far.  I try not to worry.  Courage, yes, Courage.   I will let you know how it goes.

©Carol Desjarlais 10/07/25

 

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