Once the pain of an ended friendship ebbs, you still have to remember the WHY of it all. There will be times you have a secret wish to have your say, to make it right, to give them a chance to make it right. Don’t. If the cut was really deep, you cannot erase the scar. There can be so much emotional baggage connected to the friendship, depending on the length of time as well, and you can find yourself hauling an extra load… compassion… even though they may not have shown it to you. It depends, as well, if they are narcissistic and waiting for an apology from such will never happen. Remember to have compassion for yourself and remake a solid resolution not to ever allow them back in your life to cause such pain again.
It can be baffling, shocking, wounding, when you realize who they really were, what they really were, in the decades you may have known them…or thought you knew them. Somehow we may ignore the red flags. Later, you learn the lesson from it all. You realize you wanted to preserve the friendship and overlooked those areas that should have warned you that such could happen. This can leave you numb, angry, disappointed, truly saddened, and questioning who YOU really are. How could you have drawn such to your life so deeply? How could you not see the danger in over-sharing, as friends tend to do? How could you not know they were not trustworthy? This can spiral down to leaving you with severely hampered abilities to develop new friendships. You can become wary, isolated, not trusting self in choice of friends. But, if you really look at the friendship, after it has walked away, you can gain peace in understanding the complexity of relationships, whether they apologize, give you your say, or not.
Beware the friendship that has no clear boundaries and you sense needing to be wary of them.
Beware the friendship that shows a proclivity to NOT choose you, not celebrate you, and who tends to bring on a sense of competition.
Beware the friendship that requires you to put in time, effort, and there is a sense of needing to fix them…and that is a one-way neediness in them.
Beware the friendship that needs to fix YOU. That is negative towards you in some way, and you feel a sense of needing to defend yourself.
Beware the toxic friendship that requires more of you, that you sense a need to hide things from, that they do not celebrate with you but find negative things to insert into the friendship.
If you are grieving the loss of a friendship, know that you need to really be aware of the feelings that grief may cover. Examine the relationship, deeply, until you get a sense of shared responsibility in the ending of the relationship. No blame examination, simply understanding the actions and reactions that led to the ending.
Take all the time and space required for you to understand why the relationship ended. Do not be drawn back in to have the final word.
Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Seek out the lesson in the ending.
Lastly, block and remove yourself from contact by them to you or you to them. No ghosting, no making the loss part of your story and/or identity. Close the door and walk away, do not look back further than understanding how it could have needed.
Do not recall and circle round the final time over and over in your head. Let the awareness come with time. Bless your heart, bless your own heart, with the knowledge that many relationships will end… most without such drama. Settle in and allow the lesson to become clearer. Looking from afar can bring such great insights. When you ask for an answer, be prepared to be patient until the answer comes. Forgive yourself even if you can not ask for forgiveness from them. We are all human and some friendships are not meant for forever.
Hold on to the ones in which you celebrate each other, nurture each other, are compassionate, patient and tolerant of each other’s humanness.
©Carol Desjarlais 3.09.24
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