Friendships are complex, I have found. When first, we meet, there is no agenda. There is something that draws us to that person that, sometimes, we do not understand. When that stranger becomes a friend, we suddenly go beyond knowing them to see them. We make an effort to know them intellectually, emotionally, and, on rare occasions, spiritually. We grow into having compassion, receiving compassion, Trust develops. Something about being around them, with them, deepens; we become vulnerable and we become closer. Selflessness, gentleness, deepens as well. In some cases, bonding takes place and there can be almost a sense of family relationship. Friendship happens no matter space, place, age, color, creed. A long-lasting friendship develops a sense of commitment to each other. There is a type of agape love that can happen. Some friendships will be short-lived, others can be long term. We meet the right people at the right time and the friendship will last as long as it is supposed to. Truly they are a blessing.
There are many people who say that they do not have time nor the inclination to have friends. Building friendships is not as easy and suddenly knowing, although, of course, there are those, but they are rare. It is, nonetheless important for us to have friends.
Friendships help us know our core values, when we face hardships, when we need emotional support, because life can feel very dull and quite boring without the stimulation of friendships. Friends help keep us grounded, stand by us when we are called to change, and remind us of our core values and potential as they relieve stressors that we may face from time to time. One of the core basic needs is to have a sense of belonging. Friendships help us deal with isolation or loneliness. They teach us, introduce us to new things that stimulates the mind. But, sometimes, they do not… they are, in fact, unhealthy for us.
Sometimes we need to allow a friendship to pass by, to go by the wayside, or for us to turn and walk away from them. It can happen that someone once called ‘friend’ crosses a boundary that you have set for yourself. They may, purposefully, misunderstand something you share in deepest heartfelt confidence and turned it to use against you for whatever agenda they happen to have. They could, with that kind of agenda, not be interested in making right what they wronged you with. Perhaps they might not put in the effort you put in to build and keep that friendship. It can happen that hey might bully you for not having the same opinions as they do. Perhaps they never were a friend and you are left shaking your head in wonder how you ever let them get, and stay, that close for so long. Perhaps they became a burden on you. These things happen at any age. And it cuts deeply. It hurts not to stand up for yourself in defense but you know it has to be what they have chosen it to be. There is real grief, with all the stages. It makes you question how you allowed such people in your life, how you did not see it coming, and regret the days, months, years you spent supporting them, being as faithful a friend as you could be, and allow this to happen. Yes. A broken friendship really makes you question yourself and everything you valued in your life. There is such a longing for it all back. You would be willing, always, to forgive and begin again. The loss is cursed misery when you maybe felt more than they did.
But, like it is said, when you get bucked off the horse, get back on. Gather up new friends, with a warier eye, of course, but be willing to be vulnerable and to trust again. A friendship means that you have someone who is in your court; someone to support you; someone you can give your compassion too. There is no other relationship like a great deep friendship where someone, not of your blood, cares for you so deeply, they would take a hit for you. And, the feeling is mutual. It can be a blessing, indeed.
©Carol Desjarlais 4.13.24
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