Life handed me many tests and lessons to be learned. Health, grief, travel, and a return to culture and those who call me family.
New medications added and, finally, after a couple of years, we have found the right mix of medications to get the insulin etal to do its job. But, there is a fine line as the medications are just barely working and if I miss a morning or night ‘handful’, it effects me, sometimes bigtime. If I mind my pdqs, I am right on track. The side benefit is that I have lost 59 pounds and am apt to lose more. My eyes are going; the left eye to macular degeneration, the right eye is trying to compensate. My new glasses make me look like an owl. And, when I got my new glasses, I saw the myriad of wrinkles on my face. It was shocking. I have to figure out how to eat more.
A brand-new kind of grief came to visit the end of June. My oldest daughter (estranged) died at night in her bathroom of a sudden heart attack. Losing a child is devastating. Losing an estranged child makes for complicated grief. Each of my children had their own complicated relationship with her and each had their individual grief. I had to care for them and know their complicate grief in order to comfort them. I had to set my own grief aside. I had grieved over her many times. This was deep, insidious, and there is no resolution to so much unfinished business.
In July, we went to Alaska. The trip was already planned before I needed time and space to distract me. Alaska Inner Passage for a week was a perfect way to push away the realty for a week. W were treated like royalty. We saw all the things the brochure said we would. My favorite was Ketchikan. We took a side trip to traditional lands and ceremony, at one of the people’s traditional lodges. We ate the most expensive crab dinner we will ever have. It was a hard trip but a wonderful one for me om that in that I could set aside the grief for a week. Larry enjoyed himself immensely. It was somewhere, something, new to do as he does not have hobbies and cannot do much walking or work any more. He needs more help now. He loved the comradeship with his nice and her husband who went along with us.
Once we returned home, there was incredible stressors as someone, with a handicapped young man, two homeless people, parked in our yard and stayed…over-stayed... and I was kept busy doing for them. Still, I had no time to grieve and the grief had me unable to deal with extraneous stressors that did not belong to me. Mental health issues, drugs and alcohol were involved out in our parking area where they took up residence/squatted. Anyone who knows me knows I am a compassionate person, service-oriented, and care for people, but this became an abusive relationship for me as I was considered the odd man out/ a second wife, etc. and called names and treated so disrespectfully. I nearly broke from the stress, felt trapped in my own home, and spent weeks unsupported until a line was crossed with him and he kicked them out (I might add, it took two weeks more for her to pack up and leave… oppositional disorder, to boot.) I was a mess, emotionally.
I volunteered at Splatsin (Spla’ cheen) to teach art at their beautiful community Center, during August and September. That became, and is a beautiful blessing in my life to hang with the women of the Okanagan Band and have developed some beautiful friendships and relationship with many. That includes meeting some those who have become fast friends and family to me and call me “Sister”. I had so missed cultural activities and the camaraderie and now I am completely immersed in them. I have a couple who are like family to me and call me “Sister” as well. I feel whole again.
In November, and into December . we went down memory lane to Yuma. How much of my heart is left there. It was a wonderful visit. It was HOME to me at Archie and Rosa's. I got to see brother doug. Ad, my son gave us hotel rooms in Vegas and Mesquite. I got to visit with him, Tracy and some of the kis. Amazing last time.
There is, once again, peace, within and without. I know I am at a good place in my life. I have learned my lessons well. And, I am grateful to have this year be done.
©Carol Desjarlais 12.23.23
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