Denning In - Solstice/Yule

 

 

 

Winter Solstice, Yule, was celebrated with ceremonies centered around the energy of rebirth as the longest night and shortest day begins to turn around.  Transformation, creativity, new beginnings, and release of all that holds one back from their potential was celebrated through rituals of the energy of going within.  Darkness on the longest night was where the soul’s yearnings and new inspiration and commitment emerged as does the season of the sun.  Unwanted habits are to be released as we attune our self to the cycle of nature.  The going within is akin to the bear’s hibernation, the black of the west on the Medicine Wheel, the time when w move into our adult self and our journey deepens with deep soul meaning.  Transitioning. 

We change, with or without our will to do so.  It is either random, or it is conscious effort to shift into growing vitality, as Mother Earth draws in the changes of the growing warmth and the dormant come awake.  It is the time of shedding off our dormancy and with gratitude for the harvest of our endeavor’s, we set intentions for the new year. 

In order to set appropriate intentions (not Resolutions), we have to sit in our darkness and consider our place and space in the cosmos of night turning into daylight.  Introspection!  What is our physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual ‘footprint’.  Consider our connections to Mother Nature and to others of creation.  What needs to be made aright?  Who and What should we be showing more gratitude for? What ceremonies and rituals have we made common in our lives to express that connectedness?  Are we taking care of Mother Earth and each other as was promised to Creator in the very beginning?  It is time to sit quietly before your smudge and contemplate how best to continue on The Good Red Road of your journey.  Winter solstice is a time for reverence and gratitude.  It is a time of more deep Hope and a renewal of vows we have made.  It is a time to honor and endure. Are we drawing on our spiritual resilience to reman steadfast to our journey down here on Earth? 

Expect to feel more sentimental, expect old acquaintances to reach out to you, expect to feel your ancestors around you.  Are you in tune enough to be able to sense that?  I know that I have felt closer to my daughter that passed this year.  And, I no longer feel grief for grief’s sake.  I have accepted that our difficult relationships is over and I sense she is working hard on some things she could not work on here.  I feel a sense of peace around her.  I light a bonfire Christmas Eve and fed her. I made space for her.  Our Christmas was quiet and I spent many middle-of-the-night hours remembering the good things and honoring that I had mothered her the best I could and honored her reason to withdraw betimes.  I am grateful that she is where she can heal.  I smudged, often, and asked that the memories stay positive. The fire grew high and sent sparks and smoke all the way to heaven, carrying my prayers and intentions with it. 

I felt the spirit of the Bear with me.  I am connected to a Bear bundle.  Bears are drawn to me, and I have conquered most of my fear of them.  I try to keep track of the Sow and two cubs that live at the mill, by us.  We have ha her visit other years.  I await the visit this year. 

I keep lights outside so that, when I go out during the night, there are the joyful twinkling lights, in my night.  I honor the change of daylight each dawn.  I know, when the fog is thick, that I am to sit quietly with my thoughts and intentions.  When the night is crystal clear and the stars look like fairy lights in the curtain of night, I contemplate the depth of

What a sacred time this is as the longest night gives way to shortening nights and longer days.  Fit our cycles to the cycles of Mother Nature.  Den in and make yourself ready for the coming Spring. 

©Carol Desjarlais 12.27.23

 

Cold Moon – Difficult Decisions

 

 

Today there is a full moon, hoar frost has coated everything and does not melt during the day.  We have had a mild beginning of winter, but it is still cold. The temperatures are -1 to -4C, the nights are long, and a Tuesday’s full moon is ruled by Mars.  Since Mars cannot beat the cold, at this time, then the heat is transferred to our inner heat.  Know that you will feel some internal extremes and that you will be flustered with decision-making. 

The decisions you do make, are not able to stick.  You are hot and cold and will slip into ambivalence to deal with the chaos of feelings that decision has created within.  That chaos is amplified by your critical inner voice (what I call my Evil Inner Witch). No matter which way you decide, she will chatter about it being the wrong choice and she causes you to feel flustered.  She will tell you that you are unworthy of either decision.  She will try to influence you to feel shame, even try to cause you to feel repulsed at the decision you are waffling on.  Do not listen to her.  She has no right to be the voice(s) of the past that are trying to keep you down instead of you progressing on in your journey.   

Take note that part of the decision turmoil comes from you trying to please everyone else rather than do what is right for you.  That is the cause of you thinking one decision is right and then feeling guilt and shame for wanting that decision. 

Your best bet to resolving the chaos feelings is to do a check list of pros and cons.  Filling out the two lists as quickly as you can will help you see what is trying to guide your decision … that which should not have a voice in it at all.  What is the fear?  The fear belongs to the past.  Are you not willing to go on this adventure as a new beginning? 

Make a pledge to make choices and decisions from the seat of your soul.  Listen to your own voice.  Make decisions and choices from that, not from anyone else’s tired old critical voice(s) of the past.  It is a New Year, a new beginning, and the cold moon will pass with you having made the right choice for your own journey.

©Carol Desjarlais 12.26.23

 

 

 

 

2023 Wrap-up

 

 

Life handed me many tests and lessons to be learned.  Health, grief, travel, and a return to culture and those who call me family.

New medications added and, finally, after a couple of years, we have found the right mix of medications to get the insulin etal to do its job.  But, there is a fine line as the medications are just barely working and if I miss a morning or night ‘handful’, it effects me, sometimes bigtime.  If I mind my pdqs, I am right on track.  The side benefit is that I have lost 59 pounds and am apt to lose more.  My eyes are going; the left eye to macular degeneration, the right eye is trying to compensate.  My new glasses make me look like an owl.  And, when I got my new glasses, I saw the myriad of wrinkles on my face.  It was shocking.  I have to figure out how to eat more.

A brand-new kind of grief came to visit the end of June.  My oldest daughter (estranged) died at night in her bathroom of a sudden heart attack.  Losing a child is devastating.  Losing an estranged child makes for complicated grief.  Each of my children had their own complicated relationship with her and each had their individual grief.  I had to care for them and know their complicate grief in order to comfort them.  I had to set my own grief aside.  I had grieved over her many times.  This was deep, insidious, and there is no resolution to so much unfinished business. 

In July, we went to Alaska.  The trip was already planned before I needed time and space to distract me.  Alaska Inner Passage for a week was a perfect way to push away the realty for a week.  W were treated like royalty.  We saw all the things the brochure said we would.  My favorite was Ketchikan.  We took a side trip to traditional lands and ceremony, at one of the people’s traditional lodges.  We ate the most expensive crab dinner we will ever have.  It was a hard trip but a wonderful one for me om that in that I could set aside the grief for a week.  Larry enjoyed himself immensely.  It was somewhere, something, new to do as he does not have hobbies and cannot do much walking or work any more.  He needs more help now.  He loved the comradeship with his nice and her husband who went along with us. 

Once we returned home, there was incredible stressors as someone, with a handicapped young man, two homeless people, parked in our yard and stayed…over-stayed... and I was kept busy doing for them.  Still, I had no time to grieve and the grief had me unable to deal with extraneous stressors that did not belong to me.  Mental health issues, drugs and alcohol were involved out in our parking area where they took up residence/squatted.  Anyone who knows me knows I am a compassionate person, service-oriented, and care for people, but this became an abusive relationship for me as I was considered the odd man out/ a second wife, etc. and called names and treated so disrespectfully.  I nearly broke from the stress, felt trapped in my own home, and spent weeks unsupported until a line was crossed with him and he kicked them out (I might add, it took two weeks more for her to pack up and leave… oppositional disorder, to boot.) I was a mess, emotionally.

I volunteered at Splatsin (Spla’ cheen) to teach art at their beautiful community Center, during August and September.  That became, and is a beautiful blessing in my life to hang with the women of the Okanagan Band and have developed some beautiful friendships and relationship with many.  That includes meeting some those who have become fast friends and family to me and call me “Sister”.    I had so missed cultural activities and the camaraderie and now I am completely immersed in them.  I have a couple who are like family to me and call me “Sister” as well.  I feel whole again.

In November, and into December . we went down memory lane to Yuma.  How much of my heart is left there.  It was a wonderful visit.  It was HOME to me at Archie and Rosa's.  I got to see brother doug.  Ad, my son gave us hotel rooms in Vegas and Mesquite.  I got to visit with him, Tracy and some of the kis.  Amazing last time. 

There is, once again, peace, within and without.  I know I am at a good place in my life.  I have learned my lessons well.  And, I am grateful to have this year be done. 

©Carol Desjarlais 12.23.23