I had a girlfriend who said the worst thing she ever experienced in our first 50 years, was that her family room fireplace smoked up the house…then… she lost her husband to cancer. She was able to define “worst thing”. I, on the other hand, had many “little worst things” comparison. I never “lost” a husband, but I “left” a couple” and then became a legal widow a couple of years ago. (We had not seen each other since 1986 but he refused a divorce and I, being Me, thought staying legally married would keep me from making a mistake again.) My “little chaos’s” were divorce and walking away. I had every reason, in my life, to be a crack addict or a serious alcoholic, because I had any of the problems in my life that true addicts and alcoholics gave as reasons for why they were what they were. Lots of heartbreaks and heartaches in between. The way I kept afloat was to put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. I am too old for this crap now though. I do not resurface as easily. Part of living on the edge is found n a quote I found, somewhere, “The only easy day was yesterday.”
This reminds me to remember that yesterday/the past was the past and nothing can change that. Every new day is a new challenge, a new beginning, and worth putting your all into it. THRIVE as best one can in every new day. I put this word up on my bathroom mirror that reminds me. To promise oneself to thrive takes courage… some days that courage is foremost, for sure. I have to learn to let be what is. I do this, very aware that, in a moment, the emotional environment can change at a moment’s notice.
As I enter a new day, I have to not predict nor cause to happen, anything negative. I have to prepare for a door to open and negativity come rushing in but not focus on it. Simply prepare for it. Prepare a positive ay to deal with sudden negative interruptions. For instance, I know that there will be negativity but a doorway away and I have to learn to walk away so that negativity does not rise in me. It feels rude. It feels foreign because I am a welcoming person. But I have to remember that I am taking care of me and face on negativity is not good for me. Panic rises and I lose control of my own nervous system and move into panic mode. Panic mode means that I do not handle negativity well. So, when I feel it rise, I have to remember the courage to thrive and simply go in another room away from it. Who would welcome in negativity? To thrive, I must do what I must do and, preparing for it to happen and my reaction to such needs to be practiced. After the first few times, it gets easier and less guilt-ridden. I have to remember how hard my whole body, mind, heart and soul reacts when it feels negativity’s potential to attack and by staying in the moment, I can take control of self. Self is all I have.
Once I have walked away, I have to reframe my thoughts to focus on self-care rather than the moment that senses negativity. I am not retaliating with negativity. I am walking away, saying to self that I am working on selfcare. It takes courage for me to do this.
I know, professionally, that one has to destress as soon as possible and do something that allows for immediate cool-down. It is then that I will turn to my arting. That is a place and space to let everything around me fade into some background as my heart and soul moves to express itself. It does not mean that I paint or make something negative. It means I turn to make the moments following panic into peace. Self-talk is helpful. I am proud of myself. I am courageous. I have done something positive with negativity that has come. Then, sink into creatin’s compassionate activity. As I de-stress, I feel the negativity peel off me and I can sense a type of victory over negative self. That is huge.
Another thing I am noticing is that, I am tending to withdraw (remember I used to post every day?) and become numb in a way. I let a whole day slide by with little effort or purposeful activities. I am having to force myself even to go out for dinner with my partner. I notice that I am talking to him less and I seem to be a lost planet in this life of mine and with those I care about. I am sort of skimming the surface of life. I have not been baking, doing much painting, nothing but pure minimum of housecleaning. That is so not me. I have to get busy and DO. I am timidly stepping out to do a couple of new activities with a group. That is typically not me either. But I am enjoying new activities with new people. It, too is a way of skimming.
If you know/notice someone who is “skimming”, realize that they cannot make themselves maintain contact. It is time for those who love them to give them a call, invitation, something to draw them back into who they mean to be. Do not take it personally. It is not you; it is that they are delving into their Quiet for courage to simply keep going. A couple of cheerleaders makes a huge difference. I have those kinds of people. They notice. They give me the cheerleading I need to keep on keeping on as I gather up the flung bits of self that is necessary for me to thrive
©Carol Desjarlais 1.18.25
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