I am committed to blogging again. I have definitely had a |slow-down” and have needed a great amount of rest to come back from being truly sick with RSV. I can do something one day and then it takes another full day to get my energy back. Everything takes longer to do. But I am doing things. The medication for the torn meniscus has kicked my butt but solved the pain problems. I am slowly getting used to the medication over these few months. The weight of a few months of exhaustion after a cruise, physical pain, emotional trauma is heavy, so it has taken some time to come back to some sense of Self. My new word for the year is COURAGE.
There is a sense of uneasiness within me as this new year begins. I have a sense of feeling a bit foggy, a bit confused, a bit of underlying unease and even dread. And so... I turn my hand to doing some flowery, springy, type art I hopes to deflect some of the deep sense of caution and undefinable anxiety. And, while doing art, I try to come to rips with what I can do to dissuade the anxiety. Understanding can lead to a map towards feeling more hopeful and allow peace to come. I am going to have to pull up my big-girl-panties and get some gathering of courage.
I was really ill for a few weeks. I had not caught up with the energy spent on the cruise. I had to go to Alberta, fly actually, and all that means to me. I met Christmas knowing that I would spend it too quietly. I have no reason to look forward to anything adventurous or exciting to do in the new year. I can dream up things, but nothing seems to ignite anything in me. I just feel tired.
There is a great deal of uncertainty, and disappointment, surrounding me as this new year begins. I have important decisions to make...so important that I am almost paralyzed by it. There is a shadow hanging over everything. I am not depressed, I am anxious. I do not have S.A.D., I am, again, disappointed.
There has been a great deal going on in my life. I have not blogged, nor done art, for months. I did not have anything to say because there is nothing that CAN be said. Life is dragging on and dragging me with it. I am, in many ways, caught between a rock and a hard place. Decisions I make will be best but that does not mean they will not hurt. As it all came to a peak, I felt a calm come over me, but that calmness has turned to almost dread. I know what I have to do. As I held counsel with my daughter, I realized I felt almost relief. Then I felt guilt. I hate giving up on things. I am not a giver-upper.
I am taking one day at a time, getting my ducks in a row, but every duck leaves me with a sense of sorrow. There are a great many “ifs”. If only… If perhaps… If maybe…
I am great at procrastinating when I HAVE to do something. I stop being mindful, grateful, caring for myself. I start to withdraw. I am withdrawing. I am trying NOT to feel. Feeling betrays me. I betray myself.
I have a goal. I have to take care of myself. I have to prepare to take care of myself. I am making lists, and checking them twice, that wilL lead me to that end. It doesn’t feel good, nonetheless. I am doing little to not feel. I am tending to not feel the positives.
I can not live under this stress any longer. It is going to do me in. My health is going to suffer. I am too old to not take care of things for myself. I have support. I have understanding. I know what I need to do and others do too. It has built up and built up and I can no longer deal with it without being ill. I have anti-anxiety medications I can take when needed. I do not want to need to use it. Life is handing me many reasons too. I am still an “I can do it” but am losing some of the impetus. I am moving into experiences where I can finally learn how to stand up for myself in good ways.
This year, I am gathering up courage in order to set some good boundaries in a good way. I have to learn to stop the emotional build-up and turn it into quiet determination. I turn to arting, again, with COURAGE in its many expressions going to show up a I consciously build up my confidence at a deeper level.
© Carol Desjarlais 1.9.25
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