A New Year, A New Set of Anxieties: Word of the Year - COURAGE

 

 

I am committed to blogging again.  I have definitely had a |slow-down” and have needed a great amount of rest to come back from being truly sick with RSV.  I can do something one day and then it takes another full day to get my energy back.  Everything takes longer to do.  But I am doing things.  The medication for the torn meniscus has kicked my butt but solved the pain problems.  I am slowly getting used to the medication over these few months.  The weight of a few months of exhaustion after a cruise, physical pain, emotional trauma is heavy, so it has taken some time to come back to some sense of Self.  My new word for the year is COURAGE.

There is a sense of uneasiness within me as this new year begins.  I have a sense of feeling a bit foggy, a bit confused, a bit of underlying unease and even dread.  And so... I turn my hand to doing some flowery, springy, type art I hopes to deflect some of the deep sense of caution and undefinable anxiety.  And, while doing art, I try to come to rips with what I can do to dissuade the anxiety.  Understanding can lead to a map towards feeling more hopeful and allow peace to come.  I am going to have to pull up my big-girl-panties and get some gathering of courage.

I was really ill for a few weeks.  I had not caught up with the energy spent on the cruise.  I had to go to Alberta, fly actually, and all that means to me.  I met Christmas knowing that I would spend it too quietly.  I have no reason to look forward to anything adventurous or exciting to do in the new year.  I can dream up things, but nothing seems to ignite anything in me.  I just feel tired.

There is a great deal of uncertainty, and disappointment, surrounding me as this new year begins.  I have important decisions to make...so important that I am almost paralyzed by it.   There is a shadow hanging over everything.  I am not depressed, I am anxious.  I do not have S.A.D., I am, again, disappointed. 

There has been a great deal going on in my life.  I have not blogged, nor done art, for months.  I did not have anything to say because there is nothing that CAN be said.  Life is dragging on and dragging me with it.    I am, in many ways, caught between a rock and a hard place.  Decisions I make will be best but that does not mean they will not hurt.  As it all came to a peak, I felt a calm come over me, but that calmness has turned to almost dread.  I know what I have to do.  As I held counsel with my daughter, I realized I felt almost relief.  Then I felt guilt.  I hate giving up on things.  I am not a giver-upper. 

I am taking one day at a time, getting my ducks in a row, but every duck leaves me with a sense of sorrow.  There are a great many “ifs”.  If only…  If perhaps… If maybe…

I am great at procrastinating when I HAVE to do something.  I stop being mindful, grateful, caring for myself.  I start to withdraw.  I am withdrawing.   I am trying NOT to feel.  Feeling betrays me.  I betray myself.   

I have a goal.  I have to take care of myself.  I have to prepare to take care of myself.  I am making lists, and checking them twice, that wilL lead me to that end.  It doesn’t feel good, nonetheless.  I am doing little to not feel.  I am tending to not feel the positives. 

I can not live under this stress any longer.  It is going to do me in.  My health is going to suffer.  I am too old to not take care of things for myself.  I have support.  I have understanding.  I know what I need to do and others do too.  It has built up and built up and I can no longer deal with it without being ill.  I have anti-anxiety medications I can take when needed.  I do not want to need to use it.  Life is handing me many reasons too.  I am still an “I can do it” but am losing some of the impetus. I am moving into experiences where I can finally learn how to stand up for myself in good ways. 

This year, I am gathering up courage in order to set some good boundaries in a good way.  I have to learn to stop the emotional build-up and turn it into quiet determination.  I turn to arting, again, with COURAGE in its many expressions going to show up a I consciously build up my confidence at a deeper level. 

© Carol Desjarlais 1.9.25

 

Cruise of a Lifetime – Travelog 4

 

 

 

Everyone scrambled to take a photo of the Golden Gate Bridge at sunrise.  They had a Sail In with samosas and sourdough as we sailed under the bridge.  San Francisco was our opportunity to get off the ship and do some strolling.  Ok, I strolled, the other three rode on their scooters.  We were our own little parade.  We waited until the mad rush off happened and then the employees helped the three riders down the plank and on to ground. 

We walked miles, I think… well, it felt like it.  But I found out that that double cortisone shot worked awesome. 

Passing under the Golden Gate was truly inspiring.  Seeing Alcatraz was something to see.  I had no idea it was so close to land.  We spent some time watching the seals fight for territory on the docks.  They are feisty. 

We strolled past The Midway and it felt so strange.  Behind The Midway  was Facebook’s Mark Zuckerburg’s yacht being loaded with supplies.  Later, the movie onboard was The Fall Guy and the comedian, Jose Sarduy, regaled everyone with his impressions.  For those who came back early from the day long in port, there were art classes and bingo.  I won.  The three bars had different genres of music going on.  The menus were Pacific salmon, Pan-Asian, and Halibut.  The Lido was loaded with dishes from around the world, great banks of breads and desserts.  The food was absolutely amazing. 

After the long walk through the port, seeing the Welcome Home Statue and being respectful and contemplative, we were tired so we retired early.  Again, the gentle amniotic rocking of the ship helped us sleep soundly. 

©Carol Desjarlais 10.2.24

 

Cruise of a Lifetime – Travelog 3

 

 

September 30 was a was day as we headed south.  Those days are filled with lots of activities to choose from.  Mornings always started with Tai Chi for those so inclined.  A Cooking Show followed.  Then, a shopping show.  In the evening the Captain did a welcome and toast.

Later there was a Shore Excursion presentation for San Franscico and San Diego.  A daily movie “The Big Miracle” and the next one was “The Boys In The Boat”.  And the night’s main activity was Step One Dancing, learning the tango.  But, throughout the day, there was a coloring art project a wine auction, Technology for travelers, and a Q and A about visiting San Francisco.   There was a presentation on the Marconi Story.  Evening’s entertainment on the  World Stage was a singer with the Music of John Denver.

The Lido had Royal Dutch Tea, and Yellowfin Sole Filets were in the main buffet.  But there were several high-end restaurants, as well:  The Canaletto, The Pinnacle Grill, The Tamarind, the formal dining room had Cod dinner with all the trimmings.  and a complementary Asian meal was in the buffet.  Late evenings you could have hotdogs or hamburgers and fries at the Dive In and Pizza on the back deck.  Food.  Always food and desserts at the Sweet Shops.  We could circle round and round and have so many tasting bites on one’s late that we could not eat it all.  We found the most amazing girls to wait on us, that we followed around, and they became our favorites who knew our names from that first few days. 

Of course there was the all-day spa, fitness center, hot tubs, pools and casino (when we were out in international waters.  There was an abundance of things to do, to eat, and one was grateful to fall into bed earlier at night than we ever did at home.  We were lucky to have a front middle outside room so that we hardly felt the gentle rocking.  We spent a great number of hours up in the Crow’s Nest, watching the ocean and the cruise ships that shadowed us all along the way.

The Bee Man went up to who he thought was John… nope, but a definite doppelganger in a scooter, too.  And, my friend and I got to know each other more and more.  An instant connection. 

We geared up to go on land at the port at San Francisco and San Diego.  The Bee Man was ready to do so.  Our daily game of No Peek-um carried us through the times up in the Crow’s nest where he could put up his feet.  A great deal of his time was spent there as the ocean fell quietly and darkly behind us.